Finally free

I feel free.

No it's not the kind of freedom you're thinking of. 

This is deep seated freedom from issues plaguing me for more than a year that I have not been able to deal with. I've been living in the liminal space. I've filled 3 diaries in the past year with things I could not tell anyone about just trying to fix myself... to no avail. Like my close friend said, I went crazy.

There was little I could do to run from the memories. Everything I studied reminded me of it. Even during the exams I was wrestling with my mind and fighting for my sanity.

I've been trying to get it out. I could not.

Not till last night.

You cannot imagine how heavy a burden you're carrying is until it is lifted. The weight I was carrying was huge, and now that it's been taken away, I suddenly find myself with a clear heart and mind. And I realise I have not been functioning at 100% for a long time.

It's great to suddenly feel whole. But it's scary too. 

Dear Lord... My heart and my soul, I give you control.

Manson Mun

I don't care if your picture spills out of the design template and messes up my blog. You are so endearing I am willing to sacrifice my blog just so I can post your picture at original size. Sorry my blog is too small for your overwhelmingly adorable smile. Someone please help me I'm melting.

77

And life as I know it, ends.

Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Mental Set

Why didn't I ever think of eating subway cookies with milk?

Just so you know, double chocolate chip subway cookies with cold milk is to die for.

Liminal Teenage Dream

I did a Google search after listening to Katy Parry's song.

"You. Make. Me. Feel-like-I-live-in-a. Teenage dream..."

I heard it as "liminal" instead of "live-in-a".

No hits on Google.

-:-

Before I slept I prayed to God to take me into another world in my dreams.

He brought me to another planet.


I think it was the moon.

My vision was a little clouded, there were crystals on the floor.

I felt much, but I needed to stay on focus and make the best of the situation.

I was given an opportunity to do what few ever had, and I was going to make use of it.

So I took out a DSLR and started snapping through my clouded vision.


Then there were others, and we were being plagued by spiders.

The spiders were impossible to kill, and they could fly.

Flying spiders.

They looked like the creatures described in the story Fantasia 2001.

I enjoyed my dream. Especially coz I treasured the time in it.

-:-

Oh my ear

My right ear has been hurting.

In fact, it is no longer as sensitive to the UHF on the LRT that my left ear can hear.

I wonder if it's coz I was pointing at the moon.


Heh. Time to do an experiment.

Now that my ear is better, I'm going to point at the moon again and see if it causes further ear damage.

76

I was in the toilet in the NUS library.

2 auto taps, one push button tap.

One dude doing his hair in front of the push button tap.

So I went to the auto tap and stuck my hands under it.

The water flowed for but a second.

I tried moving my hands around to activate the sensor.

I found that the only spot that my hand could be detected (and the tap starts working) was when my hands were away from the stream of water.

Like... what?

I think the dude next to me standing in front of the manual tap (but not using it) was paid to stand there for a psychological experiment to see how people cope with frustration.

Down with these dodgy psychologists.

Love Story

I'm really falling in love with the power of film now.

75

So dad, mom, Rachel and I walked into Shears hall for supper.

"Are we allowed to come in here?" Rachel asked.

"No," I said as I pointed to a no trespassing sign.

"Just act as though you're from NUS."


Rachel could pass off as an exchange student. She strode in.

Dad, I don't know how it's possible, fits in so well that last time I was here with him people asked me which hall he stayed in. I think it's the bright running singlet and sunglasses.

Now mom... Woah this one was tough.

I told her to put on a poker face as we entered the hall...

For your reference...

74

I was in the toilet after the paper when I noticed how sunken my eyes looked.

I headed out to the library and spent 10 minutes at the foyer talking to a cat.

Not Socrates, another one. People actually looked up from their books at me.

I drew the cat on my school diary as I spoke to it.

Too bad my Hp is under servicing so I cannot upload a picture of it.

Imagine.

NVH> 3INV73W

I posted this on over 10 people's walls in different designs.

Only one person thought of flipping her screen/head upside-down.

I like this.

And I also like this comment:

I liked it.

Like totally?

Like totally.

73

I saw Marianne in school today.

(I think my reality is collapsing.)

Some of the random things I did yesterday

I counted that there were 50 people waiting to get on the LRT.

I stood in the middle of them all.

I balanced my laptop bag on my head for about 10 seconds.

I let it fall to my arms with a thud.

(But people only noticed when they heard the thud. Stupid iphones stealing my thunder.)

I took pictures with the moon.

Also, I came up with something I wanted to post on Melanie's wall but she has deactivated her FB account so she won't be distracted this exam period from her other online games.

So Mel, this is what I wanted to post:

3

m

r

>

Z

-

m

(Tilt your head to the right)

I love randomness

I like how twitter puts the post of different people (who may or may not know each) other side by side, with interesting degrees of coincidence. Note that all of these are not written as replies to the person but just random posts that ended up next to each other in my account.

Of course you may say the above are weather changes everyone in the same area experiences, but how about some of these?

Maybe, we're not that different after all.

We just don't know it.

72

I was sitting next to Melanie in BK this evening.

She was studying her lecture slides, I was eating dinner.

We were facing the rubbish/tray collection point.


I watched silently as the old cleaner did his job.

He took out a shirt and wrapped it in a piece of newspaper.

He put the that in his backpack on the floor.

He picked up a half finished box of onion rings and folded it close.

He also put that into his bag.


I nudged Mel and to look over her laptop and she did.

He put his backpack in a corner and went back to work.

"That's so sad..." she said.


I finished my meal and cleared the rubbish on my own.

As I handed the empty tray to the old man, he gave me a big grin.

"Thank you!" He said with a loud and cheerful voice.


No... I should be the one who says thank you.

I'm even more thankful for my name

He (his father) named him Beriah, because there had been misfortune in his family.

-1 Chronicles 7:23

Beriah sounds like the Hebrew word for misfortune.

Sabbath

You are the reason why I wake up.

You are the reason why I prefer to awaken.

You are the reason why I abandon my dreams

Where I can run and fly and be brave.

You are the reason why I love.

You are.

I woke up today and looked out of the window.

And I did not know if we did that, or if you did that.

I prayed it was you. Because that would be beautiful.

If it was us, it would be ugly and toxic.

I came to the heartlands this evening to watch people unveiling a new idol.

We call it art though, and this one I know is made by us, not you.

My grand uncle made it.

We're not worshiping it. 

But it does represent values we are trying to uphold.

Then again, what he made was merely a reflection of what that you made.

"Mother and Child"

Today, I am totally in awe of the work of your hands. 

You created the creators of creations that reflect your glory.

71

Today I wanted to take a picture of myself in the library holding the sabre and dramatically about to attack a shelf of books then add big lolcat font saying something like I am hitting ma bookz and post it up on this blog for you to laugh at but I didn't have someone with me to help me manage the camera so you'll just have to imagine what it would have looked like yourself.


Yeah be like me.

Use your imagination more.

(I was reading my developmental psychology textbook about newborns and imagined holding my newborn child for the first time... and started shedding tears of joy at the study area. Thankfully everyone else was too busy studying to notice.)

Probably the best magician I've ever seen

I can do his first trick. Therefore I am awesome too.

70

I was searching for Socrates again.

I was bashing through the bushes off the pavement.

A man stopped to stare at the strange sight of me.


Later on I came face to face with the man.

I was getting out of the lift at the library, he was getting in.

He looked at me, and he recognised me.


He smiled.

I smiled back.


It's the little things, I tell you.

I'm suddenly thankful for my name

His mother had named him Jabez, saying, "I gave birth to him in pain."

-1 Chronicles 4:9

(Jabez sounds like the Hebrew for pain.)

Cat Socrates

Today I took a big detour again to look for the cat Socrates.

Could not find my friend.


Then I met Kangqi who told me where she saw 3 cats.

So I went again.


The rain was falling, the skies were grey.

I went out in the open, and found my cat anyway.

I was very pleased. The school was so empty I spoke to Socrates for a lone time and no one bothered.

Even Socrates didn't. The cat walked away.

Never mind. I found out Socrates is male.

69

I spent today studying for my sexuality paper.

It's actually quite destabilizing.


I've had a growing question in my mind and I can't think of a way to find out the truth.

I've been wondering... about the people I know, around my age, my friends who I see so very often...


How many of them are still virgins?

I actually wish I knew.

City Hall Interchange

Kimberly and I were trying to get on the train during peak hour when the announcer's voice came on.

"The station is crowded"

And the message ended there.

We looked at each other and burst out laughing.

Give them a hand!

Ratio

I was talking to a girl studying Physics.


I asked her what's the ratio of guys to girls in Physics.

2 guys : 1 girl


She knew what it was in Arts.

1 guy : 3 - 4 girls


I said the ratio in Physics is good for her. She has many options.

No, she said. The guys in physics are more interested in physics.


I said I'm sorry. But things were worst in arts.

The guys in arts are more interested in guys.

68

I've been having bad dreams the past 3 nights.

Last night I dreamt I was in the shower when people broke into the house.

I was unarmed and undressed.

Later on I was with Yaoqi and Matthew, my church friends, and I cussed.

Yaoqi asked if I do that often.


I woke less troubled over last night's dream than I was in days before.


Maybe I've begun to believe that I'm more uninhabited in my dreams.

Which means I'm less likely to do these things in real life.


Or maybe...

The world of dreams is no longer my place of refuge. It used to be where I run to, away from the real world of troubles and struggles.

I now find solace in waking up.

David Shrigley

This.  Is.  Art.

67

Last night I dreamt I was talking to my fencing friends.

They told me to look out for a guy named Mark during the competition.

He has perfect distancing, they said.


I woke perplexed.

I've never heard of a fencer named Mark before, but now I'm really curious to go for December's competition.

Why I don't like mio

(We were transferring her portion of Marianne's birthday video)

Blame it on the language

I just realised, in wiring the previous blog post, how lacking the English language was of a gender neutral pronoun. If you can't address someone in the third person as a "he" or "she", the next word is an "it". So if you're not male or female, your label is not exclusive to humans.

I think here in lies a problem. If the English language uses pronouns that categorize people along strict gender lines (and the French language extends his to objects as well), and people's imaginations are limited by the language they think in, then are we not, as native English speakers, forced to see and think of the world along lines of gender?

We don't even have a choice.

ta   ,   ta   ,   ta

他  、她  、它

he  ,   she  ,   it 

We are desperately in need of a gender neutral, human specific pronoun. 

You know what, in the original language of the Bible, the references to God are often not masculine. It is just that English is lacking such a pronoun, thus God is referred to as He more often than not. (Although sometimes he is referred to as masculine in the original text, like "God the Father" and "Jesus the son", it is far less common than what we now see in the NIV.) 

Thus they are coming up with a more gender neutral revision. TNIV. ("T" for Today's.)

This is a splendid revision of the NIV in every respect," said Gary Burge, a New Testament professor at Wheaton College (Illinois). "The generic use of man is gone, as are unnecessary masculine pronouns, which the Greek text does not require. [But] God is still called 'Father.' Jesus is still the 'Son.' On the other hand, Paul's frequent address of his readers as 'brothers' now becomes 'brothers and sisters.'"

I feel as if my sociological imagination is hampered by my language.

66

Yesterday I was on the grass outside the computer lab in school.

I was not alone.

An older man walked by and smiled saying, "you made a new friend!"

And I did.


I had seen this character hanging around outside the lab often.

Talking to people who walked past.

Following them for a few steps.

Some people responded well, others avoided and gave a wide berth.


Yesterday I was alone and lonely, but as I walked out of the lab I suddenly found company.

I was accompanied as I walked up the stairs and across the path.

My new friend sat down on the grass, and being glad for company I followed suit.


Today as I entered school I heard my friend call me.

I was so happy.

I didn't even get my friend's name.

But it didn't matter to my new friend.


I came close and my friend didn't feel uncomfortable.

I took out my camera and my friend struck a pose.

I've chosen a name for it.

Socrates.

My new friend in NUS.

Beware the FB advert

It will kill you if you click on it.

Actually, today was the best day.

How often...

Am I so engrossed in my Bible that I miss my train stop?

How often...

Do I get to take a bus ride to nowhere that I spend in prayer?
Do I have a girl take me for a drive in a big black mercedes?

How often...

Do I get to eat, and share, Ya Kun toast?
Do I laugh so hard upon seeing something on FB that my sides hurt?
Do I have a cat walking by my side meowing responsively?

And how often...

Do I bump into someone friendly when I'm lonely?
Do I get to give, and receive, encouraging smses from a struggling friend?
Do I get to bring home not one, but 2 sabres?
Do I get a 20 minute call from a friend from overseas?

Not often.

Yet today, I got to do all of these things.

Maybe it wasn't so bad after all.

65 (zero days to the end of life as I know it)

Today. Was a bad day. I mean really bad. Started so bad. And it got worst and worst and worst.

Like what I posted earlier, I underslept and could not go back to sleep.


Right outside the sky was grey. The moment I stepped out it began to drizzle.

Thus was the gloomy weather the whole day.


I missed my train stop coz I forgot I was not heading directly to school today.

I only realised when I got down at the wrong stop and went up the escalator.


Then I took the wrong bus that headed in the wrong direction.

So I missed my appointment at Browhaus.


Thankfully they gave me another later one.

The string used to thread my eyebrows broke 7 times.


I then took a long bus ride to school from Holland Village.

It wasn't really long, just that I had spent too much time traveling today already.


Came to school to meet Cheryl. She was about to leave by the time I arrived.

She was going out to study, so I tagged along.


She drove us to... Holland Village.

I used her laptop to crawling internet downloading speeds.


I tried desperately to find out who to contact from Ubisoft regarding the copyright issues in the movie I made that I wanted to submit for a film competition. But I could find no contact info.

Wasted the rest of the day sitting in front of the computer in school.


Oh CRAP!!!

As I type this I realise I had totally forgotten to release the notes I wanted to print in school.


Oh my goodness... The form... for submission of the film... i didn't print it!!!

Deadline's tomorrow. Oh man... no. Ah crap.


Went to the Deck for a lonely dinner.

Looked up to the second floor and did not see Melanie and friends.


(Later found out they were there, just that I did not see them.)


I walked past the guy who could help me with my film thingy.

But I had not the guts to introduce myself and ask him for help.


Shuqin bumped into me. She said I looked like I wanted to cry.

I did. It had been such a frustrating day.


Felt like a wasted day.

there were but a few days before the exams.


I went for fencing and took a hit to my hand.

It started bleeding.


Florence stabbed me forcefully in the right nipple.

(Few weeks back she had slashed my left one.)


It hurt a lot. My nipple turned red.

Oh wait, nipples are red. Um... Redder.


Lugged home all the equipment for fencing competition.

Quite a lot. Extra wires and weapon.


You know what, it was a bad day because of all the little things. But more than anything else, I had expected this day to be the day that life as I would have known it would come to an end.

But that life didn't end.

It goes on and on and on and on.

I treat my girl friends well

So come and be my friend.

Period.

Feels like I'm having some hormonal imbalance today.

I woke 2 hours before I should have, and my heart was pumping so much so that I could not get back to sleep.

And I slept at almost 4 am!

64 (one day)

Tough lecture test in school.

Not cool.

Cold lecture theatre too.

I was having the flu.


The world felt like such a cold and lonely place.


Then the girl next to me offered me her jacket.


And the world felt like such a warm and fuzzy place.

Library. Fine.

I incurred another $1 fine for holding on to a textbook for a few minutes longer than allowed.

But it's okay. 

I don't mind paying library fines. They are nice people.

Some time back I left my EZlink card with $40 on the printing machine.

The library staff kept it for me till the next day.

It was a lesson I would never forget.

2 weeks back I left my POSB Savings card on the photocopying machine.

The library staff kept it for me till the next day.

It was a lesson that I would never learn.

I thanked the counter girl.

She thanked me too, saying:

"I already helped you withdraw one thousand dollars."

From this day on,

About half my blog posts will be scheduled ones.

Thus half the post you will be reading from now were written days before.

(I'm telling you just in case something happens to me and I'm away from the internet for an extended period, yet my blog continues to update itself. No ghost. Mai4 kia2.)

63 (two days)

Today during lecture, I took 2 min to draw a maze.

The girl next to me could not solve it after 6 minutes.

Level up!!!

(Get from dot to cross.)

Have you seen the purple monster?

Be afraid.

Be very afraid.

When I say...

" __ days to the end of life as I know it" 

I don't necessarily mean it as a bad thing.

It's just that I'm approaching a time of big changes in my life.

Fencing will end. Classes will end. School comes to a halt.

And I'm not the only one counting down by the way.

Somewhere in Australia,

Zhi Han has the exact same number of days to her graduation as a doctor.

And somewhere in London, 

I ran and I ran

I ran through the library.

I ran out of the library.

I ran up the stairs.

I ran as though my life depended upon it.


And arrived at the roof alone.

Just in time to catch my first sunset this semester.


I think I speak to God
more as if he's God
when I'm watching a sunset.
(Than say... when I'm in the loo.)


It's been a long time Lord. I forgot how big you were, and how small I am.

Sorry.

62 (three days)

Today was the last Singapore Film lecture.

They did a screening of some of our film projects.

I had been praying that ours would get screened,

Because I knew how much it would do for the group.

This rag tag group I was in came together out of nowhere, and everyone in the group worked their socks off to create this short film. They deserved the recognition of at least having an audience view their film.

My prayer was answered. Ours was shown first.


The last time the group watched the film, they were rather unsure about it.

Probably because they had seen it too many times that the humour had lost its effect.

But when we heard the whole lecture theatre roaring with laughter...

Wow.

It's an amazing feeling when all doubts vaporize in an instant.


And after the movie we were given a loud applause.

The excitement we felt... was incredible.


Every member in the group was beaming after the lecture.

I individually thanked them and gave them each a small gift.

Then we bid each other farewell.


My hands were shaking.

The positive audience response didn't just do wonders for the group.


It did wonders for me too.

Thank you Lord, for answering prayers,
in a way beyond what I could imagine.

(four days)

Studying for my film test tomorrow, I noticed something I had written on my notes. It was a random idea I had about what the film that we had to make for the module could be about.


How about a film within a film within a film?
(if we fail the module we drop into limbo)

14 Blades- Vicki Zhao

Was woah.

Her character was like... ahhhh cannot describe.

So so so awesome lah.

I like this movie.

The moment I saw her on the poster many moons ago, I decided that I wanted to name my daughter Qiao Hui, after Vicki's character in the movie.

Today I watched the movie for the first time, and I'm even more convinced.

But I realised her name in the show is actually Qiao Hua, not Qiao Hui.

My bad. But this is a problem in choosing my daughter's name.


How Qiao Hui Qiao Hua?

Sabbath (five days)

Busy day though it was a sabbath.

Came home tired and weary.

At my void deck there were kids playing with nerf blasters.

12 to 15 year olds.

Making a lot of noise.


As I went up and got home I thought to myself...

Why not?

After all, it's random day!


So I went down with my nerf blaster (after getting permission from mom to go downstairs and play with other kids) and got shot to death.

3 rounds my gun jammed on me.

3 rounds I was slaughtered.


Then in the last round I used one of their guns instead and single-handedly eliminated half the enemy team.

"How did you manage to duck when I shot at you?" one of them asked.

I smiled.


At least I had regained my dignity among these young (and friendly) punks.

Remember, we're all in this alone

Hmmm.

I was thinking about the marriage market.

It's troubling.

I just realised that our population numbers are dwindling.

That in itself isn't a problem to the marriage market.


We are becoming more individualistic.

We have more access to whatever we like through the internet.

Our interests are becoming so different and varied from each other.


Yet...

Our expectations in a spouse have become even more specific.


This is the problem.

Less people, but more variation in expectations of a spouse.

More variation in people, but more specific expectations in a spouse.

(if we're becoming more different, how are we going to find someone alike?)

And... we have higher expectations in a spouse.


The way we look at marriage as a union of two couples in blissful love and all... I think it's too high an ideal. It is not going to happen for everyone. In fact most of us won't ever have a love story that resembles anything we hear in songs or watch in movies.

Question is, do we despair?


Because from the way I see it, if we hold on to hollywood ideals, most of us are not going to get married.

61 (six days)

About this time last week, I turned on my laptop.

And left it on for 116 hours- the time it took to complete my essay.

In the end, I had to send my phone for servicing coz the spacebar jammed.

I am a gentleman

Florence says I come alive

Only when I fence with guys.

60 (7 days)

Tasted the metal blade for the first time.

That was dumb.

Got trashed in every single match I fought at fencing today. 

Good to know where I really stand sometimes.

But man it sucks.

Dear Lord, give me humility to accept how much I suck, and perseverance to not give up.

Who are you?

I had to explain to mom

That <3 is actually a symbol for a heart.

(Just in case you needed the explanation too.)

59 (eight days)

Melanie was talking to me before the lecture test started.

To emphasise a point, she stuck out her pencil case towards me.

I instinctively pulled up my water bottle to make a parry.


I think we're almost ready for December's fencing competition.

You think?

58 (nine days)

I sat down in the library opposite a girl I've never spoken to before.

I pulled out a highlighter and scribbled down something on a piece of paper.


The moment she looked up at me, I held up the paper that read:

"Are you Faith?"

She nodded.

I flipped the paper around for her to see what was on the other side:

"I <3 wo(men)"

She laughed.

I signed off the paper and she took it with her when she left.

Ten Days

1 day to my 4000 word essay deadline. 3k to go.
2 days to my cognitive psychology test. No time to study.
3 days to my film studies presentation. Not ready.
4 days to the deadline of the photography competition.
5 days to the GF gathering.
6 days to the first Sunday service.
7 days to my film studies final test.
8 days to my 2nd last fencing training before competition.
9 days to my developmental psychology test.
10 days to the final fencing training this semester.

Exactly 10 days to the end of life as I know it.

57

Just made a new friend last week.

Just made a new friend today.

It's the little things in life.


Oh and today's film lesson was on short films.

And I am so, so inspired.