Me

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I was sitting opposite my gender studies lecturer in her office for consultation. She said,


"The only people who study gender are women, or guys who are sexually marginalized."


That was some time after I told her I wanted to do a minor in gender studies.


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I was standing opposite one of my fellow youth leaders in church. She said,


"Justin, you're only acting effeminate right? You're not actually confused about your gender right?"


I was taken by surprise. "Acting? What do you mean by acting?" I asked.


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The photo on top was put up by my sister on Facebook. 

She wrote below the picture, "So handsome! =D"

But I saw it in a different way.




I realized this was me, at my most honest and informal.

I came across so... 

Effeminate.


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Am I confused about my sexuality? No.

I like girls. I don't like boys.


Am I confused about my sex? No.

I'm a fully functioning male.


Am I confused about my gender? No.

My gender is complicated.



I am not confused, but I confuse people.


My gender, which is the way I behave, is not stereotypically masculine. 


I don't do a lot of things guys do, and I don't treat girls the way guys do.


I'm artistic, I'm emotional, and I'm affectionate. In general.



I cried watching Lilo and Stitch. I take a great interest in colourful beads. I collect rings. I have a pencil case in the shape of a stuffed toy. I have every colour pen in the Steadtler range as well as the Pilot range. My favourite colour is Magenta.


All of these are acceptable exceptions to masculinity, but put together, don't paint a bright picture of me.


Alright look. 



I am not masculine. I've never ever really been.

Almost all my role models in life have been women after all.


I don't have an issue with myself.
I just wish I'm not misunderstood and marginalized.


I know people fear what they do not understand.
But please... don't fear me.


I am different.


But that's coz I'm trying to stand in the gap between them and you.
If you can't take me, you can't take them.

Eh I'm rambling. Oh no what was I trying to say. Oh yes.



I'm not gay. I'm effeminate.