Perhaps a review of how I got here is in order

I failed my statistics in June. I was told I cannot major in Psychology.

I spoke to dad and mom about my education options last month, realising that we were not on the same page. I was quite insensitive to the fact that we did not have the money to send me abroad. Yes dad and mom are willing to sell the house and car and send me abroad, but what if the same thing happened again and I fail there? What then?

So in a desperate final attempt to cling to Psychology, I fasted and prayed for 3 days, along with some close friends, and then went to the department office to make my appeal 2 weeks ago. They replied with a firm no.

It took a while to sink in. It's not that God didn't answer, it's that he said no. God's not one for us to arm twist after all. I tried to stay positive. I looked at the whole thing as an exciting second chance.

And one night instead of sleeping I began listing out all my achievements in life to try and figure out what kind of person I am and thus what would be an appropriate field of study. Filming, debating, music leading, counselling, puzzle solving, drumming, choir singing, directing, origami, paper cutting…

It didn’t make sense to me. How do I link the dots?

Then as I studied my talents, I suddenly realised that they were all the manifestations of one gift I had. Was this divine revelation? I was not sure, though it really felt like it. How was I to know?

I wrote and spoke to my friends and family again, the people who knew me best. And this time I asked them…

“If Justin could study anything, anywhere in the world, what should he study?”

I prayed that the answers would be mostly the same so I could be sure this was God’s will. Unfortunately… The results were not clear.

Veterinary science, Film, Psychology, Sociology, Theology, Missiology, Philosophy, Social Work, Law, Teaching…

So without a clear answer, I had to figure out which of these made sense to me. (Is the absence of correction a sign you're on the right path?) Anyway, these were the top 5.

Film

An obvious choice seeing how many movies I have made, I would enjoy it. But to choose film is to choose a very specific area of my talent and neglect the other parts, probably for the rest of my life. I do want to be trained in this area at some point however.

Teaching

Well it could work to my advantage, but at this time, it can remain an option to wait upon for future direction. I should get a basic degree first to make this useful. But honestly, I fear the amount of work a teacher has to do. And the hours. 2 people suggested this, one was my JC teacher, 3 years ago.

Law

This one came from the left. Only one person suggested it and I never considered it before. In fact, as I think about it now, Law really is the most perfect fit of my gifting, more so than any other course. But two issues plague me. Can I handle the academic study? And if I can, can I really give up everything else to focus on this one career? I’m really not going to have much time for origami after becoming a lawyer.

Psychology

Ah the old love. I needed to look at this objectively. I love psychology, but is it everything I expect of it? Do my giftings fit this job well? The answer, to my surprise, was “not totally”. Psychology, and counseling, is only one of my talents, and though I feel it is something I can do the rest of my life, it’s not exactly a perfect fit and thus to choose this route would also be to neglect other talents.

Theology

I want to study theology. But like dad and mom said, now’s probably not the best time. Get your degree, go into the field, see what you lack to serve better, then come and study it. So yes in time to come, I do hope to study this.

Sociology

It's the most stretching course mentally and I feel I'm maturing with this. Forming opinions about everything in society that we take for granted, it's the most general type of degree I can get.

So... what did I figure out about myself. What is my gift?

As I analysed by talents, I came to the conclusion that my gift was in analysis. I basically have the ability to see how things fit, or how they don't. I'm a "seeing the big picture" kinda guy.

And this one gift manifest itself in so many ways. I see how pieces fit and can thus solve puzzles, even 3D puzzles, with ease. I figured how a band or choir fits and thus could help them make music together. I can listen to a speech, deconstruct the arguments and construct my own response quickly. I can put together works of art from seemingly unrelated pieces of paper, photo and film.

All these are just the ways I have been using my gift. I'm an analyst. Even with people, I see how their lifestyles fit or fail to fit and thus help them overcome their problems with simple solutions. This was the basis of my counseling.

Dad said my gift is in communication, but I think that is a secondary gift that supports this primary one.

With this in mind, I needed a study that will not hone just one of my talents, but the very core gift. Because if I can refine that gift, I improve in all areas flowing from that. So what course would allow me to expand my understanding and ability to see how things work? A course that deals with the biggest and most complex of structures of course.

Sociology. The study of society. How it works, and how it doesn't.

Typing till this point I feel... better. Yeah Soci is tough, and not in any way like the Psych I love, but it's good for me. I need to get over Psych and move on, but give me some time to grieve. I feel I'm maturing as my opinions come to question and my fundamental concepts of the world are challenged. It's a very painful process, but it's good.

-:-

And come to think of it, I have grown. Today I took the lead twice with the groups I was with. I'm not the man I used to be when I came into uni. I used to not want to be the leader, I used to just wait for someone else to come forth. I used to believe in absolute equality of the sexes. I used to wait for the girls to take charge. But today I saw something different.

I was at the "Sociology of Family" tutorial and for discussion I was placed in a group of 6, all of which were Christian, but we were unaware of that initially. When asked what I look for in a wife, I said submissiveness, and my group's girls reacted negatively. But once I asked the girls in the group if they were complimentarian or egalitarian, they all said they would rather have the man take the lead. And I asked them, "how can the guy do so if the girl does not submit?" I was not asking for her to be under his power or authority, but to support him as he leads. And then they agreed. (See, I'm analysing, deconstructing and reconstructing.)

Now the interesting part was how I found out they were all Christian. I said my list of qualities are not like anyone else's in Singapore i think. I'm not looking for a Singapore type girl. And interestingly, I was thinking about this on the way to school before I even knew what this lesson was about and I wrote down a list things I wanted in a girl. They were excited to know, and when i shared, they asked why i wanted such a strange set of traits.

I see myself outside singapore in future, in a more rural place. "You want to live in a village?" one girl asked. Yes. And then I was amazed at how excited and supportive these random strangers were. "I don't think I can find a girl like this in Singapore," I said. The nice guy next to me named Sam (nice guys are all sam eh...) replied, "you just might..." 

I loved tutorial today. It was the best tutorial this semester.

At the end I got up on behalf of the group to present to the whole class (who were mostly girls) what we had discussed. Here's what it sounded like:

"Girls look for guys with maturity, financial stability..." 

(no response)

"Guys look for girls with big eyes, long hair..." 

(class starts to laugh)

"...emotional stability, sociability and submissiveness."

(Uproar, stones thrown, riot police, tear gas.)