I survived

But I don't feel alive.

"Not many places have this kind of vibe"

Remembering ECP McDonald's from Colourbars Media on Vimeo.

I never expected so much outpouring of sympathy over the the symbol of capitalism and westernization.

But I guess the Mac at ECP was more than that. It was a symbol of my childhood. It was where I grew up with my primary school best friends. It carried the memories of all the days we spent at the beach and on the cycling path.

And i feel sad.

One of the problems with Singapore's rapid development is the loss of memories.

Memories are much clearer when we return to the place we first experienced these memories.

But if we keep destroying the old to build the new, then are we losing our history?


Dad told me stories of his childhood growing up at Emerald Hill. But going there now, in the busy shopping district, I get no sense of the rustic childhood he once had.

I grew up in Marine Parade. I attended Tao Nan School when it had only 2 buildings, not 3. I went to the beach when there was a McDonalds.

I lived in my previous house before they added the extra room during upgrading.


Now when I go back to where I grew up, everything is different.

And I'm not even 24 years old, yet things have changed already.


What tales will I have to tell my children if all these places are gone?

How can I ever relate to them if all the places I played at when I was there age are gone?

It's sad because this place, like any place rich in memories, has a value beyond the material.


Thank you, whoever made this video.

Thank you for helping us remember our past.

Bat and robin

The eczema is spreading round my wrist

This morning, I had to wake early for the cable guys came to fix up the fibre optics.

Had to move the furniture around and clean up the dust from the drilling.

I don't respond well to sudden changes.


The essay topic I picked for the assignment due Friday just won't do.

I spent the night researching in the library but could not find anything substantial to write 2000 words on.

2 days from the deadline, and I'm changing topic.


Eating combat rations for dinner.


People ask me why I'm always doing last minute work.

I'm rushing the deadline for friday's essay only now because my other essay was due today.

Why didn't I do the previous essay earlier?

Well cuz i had another deadline to rush before that on Monday.


So why didn't I do my very first essay much, much earlier?

Because this is Arts. If your lecturer has not covered it in class, what exactly are you going to write about?

Today at lecture my lecturer taught us something essential to the essay I will be writing one week from now. So even if i had no other essays to rush, I could only get cracking on this essay at most one week earlier.


Now you understand why I'm showing the symptoms of stress?


It's coming towards the Easter weekend.

I thought as I completed my assignments things would get better.


But no, more and more things are on my plate and I simply can't cognitively process so many things.

Next Tuesday's last fencing training before competing.

Next Wednesday's Easter lead-up service to attend.

Next Thursday's essay deadline.

Next Thursday's worship leading.

Next Saturday's fencing National Trials.

Next Sunday's worship leading again.

The practice for the worship on this Saturday.


Dear Lord... please keep me away from the black mercy.

Black Mercy

The Black Mercy plants are fictitious alien organisms from the DC comic book universe. They latch on to a victim with their tentacles, tap into the pleasure centers of the person's brain, and induce a dream in which the victim's deepest desires are fulfilled.

They were originally meant for use to alleviate suffering for the dying, the way morphine is administered to patients dying in pain. This was a more extreme form of pain relief.

The thing is that the seductive fantasies are so pleasurable that the person surrenders to the dream, happy to never wake again. Villains in the comic books have used the plant on the likes of Superman and Batman and brought them to their knees until other heroes came to their rescue.

(Superman and Batman's deepest desire and wish was that they had never lost their parents during their childhood. By inducing such a dream where they had grown up in a happy family, neither had the will to break free from the perfect dream to return to this horrid world)

In fact, Superman was very upset when the Black Mercy was pried off his body.


In the final episode of Batgirl, she is poisoned with the spores of the Black Mercy, inducing dreams of the perfect life for her to choose from. But somehow, she wills herself out of the coma even before blood transfusion could be done on her. Image after image was flashed before her, but nothing to her was more awesome than the life she was living now.

Wow.

Now I was wondering... what would happen if the Black Mercy caught hold of me? What would be my dream? What is my deepest desire of all, that would give me the greatest pleasure? Would I be caught forever in the grasp of the plant?

I have a feeling I'd wake.

Because I would dream of heaven, or at least try to. But heaven is beyond what I can imagine or even dream about, so the dream, like anything else on this earth for that matter, won't satisfy.

Sure the dream may be better than real life, but not that much better.

Potong Pasir

"YOU ARE ALWAYS IN TRANSIT"

The words written and stretched across the different pillars become visible from a single point on the station floor, marked out by a red arrow.

The message highlights the fact that we are always in transit, and that this world is not our home.

We are living in the liminal space.

What day is it?

I've not laid on my bed for 3 days.

I submitted 2 essays today.

I'm disoriented. But relieved.

2 more.

The courage to speak softly

"Solitude is a crucial ingredient to creativity."

If you want to understand me, take the time to listen to this.




Regarding introverted leaders:

"They all took the spotlight even though every bone of their body was telling them not to... They were there because they had no choice, because they were driven to do what was right."

Credits to Desiree.

I am the woman

You shall not pass

Roses are Red

Defying Gravity

People who found out that I cried 7 times during the musical Wicked ask me why.

It's a simple question.

But something that made me tear and cry 7 times, over the span of a single performance, would be something intensely personal. And to give a simplistic answer as to why I did would not be doing justice to myself.

So I shall answer this question as appropriately as I can here on my blog.

I cried 7 times during Wicked because...

I am Elphaba.


I felt so much for the green witch Elphaba over the span of her life. She grew up feeling different, and just longed for the day she could finally meet the wonderful Wizard of Oz, become his assistant, and he would be able to make her skin normal coloured and solve all her problems. She would finally be accepted. She would finally find her self-worth. She might even have a chance with the guy she fancied who she never felt worthy of.

He could be that boy,

But I'm not that girl.

I knew how she felt. I recognized every word she cried, almost as if my own.


Things came down to this single moment, this one scene that captured the entire of Elphaba's struggle so poignantly. This was the scene that killed me, that made me cry my eyes out.

Against all the odds, Elphaba finally meets the wonderful Wizard of Oz.

But he is not at all what she thought he would be.





There comes a point in time that Elphaba realises that her childhood ambitions, built on idealistic notions of the world, are different from what the real world needs for her to be. And now she must choose.

She can either remain subscribing to the image of who she wanted to be since young, or grow up and become who she had to be.

Growing up would cost her everything. Her best friend. Her chance at a normal life. Her childhood ambitions. The guy she likes. Her reputation and pouplarity, however small it currently was. Everything she had hoped and dreamed of and ever wanted would be sacrificed for her to do what she felt she needed to do.

She would be opposing the powers that be. She would be kicking against the grain. She would be standing alone. Possibly even against her friends. And family. And the whole land of Oz.

She would have to give up everything.

And she did.

GLINDA

Elphie, listen to me. Just say you're sorry.

You can still be with the Wizard

What you've worked and waited for

You can have all you ever wanted.

ELPHABA

I know...

But I don't want it -

No - I can't want it

Anymore...

She had seen something that could not be unseen. Something that resonated with everything in her being. And from the moment she felt it, she knew that she could never go back to who she was and wanted to be.

Something has changed within me

Something is not the same

I'm through with playing by the rules

Of someone else's game

Too late for second-guessing

Too late to go back to sleep

It's time to trust my instincts

Close my eyes: and leap!

And so she did.


So... why did I cry 7 times during Wicked?

Because I knew what Elphaba was going through, giving up everything because she saw a need in the world that she would rather die trying to solve than to live with in submission.

ELPHABA

I'm through accepting limits

'Cuz someone says they're so

Some things I cannot change

But till I try, I'll never know!

You know what?

It's exactly one year since I got my calling.

And I still think I'll try defying gravity.

Do you know what it is like...

...to lunge towards what you think is easy prey, only to realise that you are the one that has just become prey?

This stuffed animal learnt the hard way to look before it leaps.

Goosebumps, goosebumps, goosebumps

And tears welling up.



I... almost want to start believing in romantic love again.

Love

   

This is really quite a heartwarming video. It's not often people come out of a psychological or scientific study looking this happy or having learnt something about themselves.

After I watched this video, I decided to try it on my own.

I lay down, kept very still, and focused on love for 5 minutes.


(I didn't have mental preparation so I didn't prepare a lot of memories to go through, so I just worked with what I could immediately recall and let one image lead me to another.)

The first image that popped into my head was my sister at the end of one of her concerts years back. I gave her a stuffed toy for the first time, and she started to tear and gave me a big hug.

Then I thought about Melanie, my closest friend at this chapter of my life. It made me happy just thinking of her and what a dear friend she had become to me when I needed a close friend most.

The last image that came into my head was that of Kimberly, back in our JC days. The night before, via either internet or phone, I had told her that I loved her at the end of our conversation. It wasn't in a romantic way; She was on of my closest friends at the time and I really did want her to know that I treasured her. But it was the first time I said it, and I was worried the entire night that she didn't take it the right way.

The next day, I was at the crowded assembly plaza with the rest of the thousand students from my school before flag raising. I found my class, and as the crowd of people shifted, I saw Kimberly at the back of the line. She caught my gaze, and she smiled.

And that was one of the most amazing moments in my life.


The chemicals in my brain were running. I'm quite sure in real life I was smiling. And I naturally fell into a dream and napped for a straight 3 hours.

I feel this way so often

Justin Hui is Awesome

Don't believe me?

Check out who won this architecture competition.

But then again, not everyone thinks so.


Don't mind me.

I found it interesting to Google my name.

My jaw is beginning to hurt.

My wrists are starting to succumb to eczema.

The skin on my feet is starting to peel off.


Doctor's prognosis?

Stress.

Had a test on Monday.

Have a 2000 word essay due next Friday.

And a 3000 word one the Monday after that.

And yet another the Friday after that.

And one more the Thursday after that.

Which happens to be when I'm leading worship at the combined Presbytery service.

(Which I need to get my band to practice for.)

Then I'll go for the national trials for fencing on that Saturday.

And lead worship the next day on Easter Sunday.


This Friday I've just been called upon by the church to do a visitation.

Next Wednesday and Thursday evenings we have a conference to attend.

All these are on top of my usual 2 days a week of teaching bible study...

And 2 days a week of fencing training.

I've not had enough sleep for the past week.

Please pray for me.

Especially from now to Easter.

I burst out laughing when I first saw this:

Probably the greatest song ever written

Here is the score:

If you look carefully, you'll notice the stage directions include things like release the penguins, untie slipknot and moon walk.

I'm not entirely sure what this would sound like.

(No one has successfully played it.)

But here's what I imagine it might sound like:





Oh wait, someone attempted to. Kinda.

The Lego of the Ring

I can't believe it. But it's true.

My money gonna disappear...

Concrete Poetry

I can understand why many sociologists who study marriage end up in divorce

In the course of my studies in gender this semester, I've seen so many depressing issues pertaining to marriage that I don't even want to think about relationships now.

This is the last semester I'll be seeing most of the girls who entered uni with me.

But I'm so jaded I can't be bothered.

Melanie once asked who my favourite Disney princess was.

This one... is the one.

Bus ride home

I got on a bus 3 on Friday night.

It had been a long time since I last took that bus.

This used to be the bus service that took me to school everyday.


I saw a bus ticket that someone had not collected from the machine.

I picked it up.

This used to be my habit, before I started taking the train instead.


I flipped the bus ticket between my fingers.

It had been a while since I held one.

This used to be what I did in the bus- folding bus tickets into origami sculptures.


But for some reason...

This time I didn't.

Never fails to make me cry

The next month

There comes a time in every semester when all the deadlines arrive close to each other.

That basically is the coming month for me.

It also happens to coincide with the season of Lent, that of the days leading up to Jesus betrayal and death.

Suffering lies ahead, but blessed is he who stands firm till the end.

I might not see my friends as much, so I hope to blog more.

Ethnographic Analysis of Visual Media

The class was about the use of film in anthropology.

The lecture always concluded with a documentary being shown.

The lights were dimmed and the show began in this huge cinema-like auditorium.

And I suddenly realised that the random girl sitting next to me was wearing my ex-girlfriend's perfume.

Dear Lord...

Give me water, for I thirst.

If all TV series were this good, we would not need YouTube

Ladies,

I find it distasteful when your shorts are shorter than their pockets.

But I find it obscene when they are shorter than your underwear.

I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad.

I laughed like I didn't care.