Day 14

I've watched this like 4 times already?

But I still can't stop smiling.



Yeah I know I put it together, but most of it was so spontaneous I just can't get enough of it!

Word Verification

It is sometimes terrifyingly uncanny.

I wonder...

If kim is re-reading my older blog entries after what I told her.

Fri Day 13

I searched desperately for a totem on the way to school.

In the movie Inception, it is something that tells you if you're awake or dreaming.

For me today I just needed something to ground me. To remind me of who I was.

I had spent almost 2 years going after the dream of a degree in psychology and had been suddenly and rudely woken from that dream. After spending so much time and energy in a dream, waking and realizing that nothing you did matters is very troubling and destabilizing. So I needed something to stabilize me; something that holds enough memories to bring me back to where I was before I fell asleep. Once I can recall where I was before, I can figure out how I got here, and then where to go next.

I found the song "Your Guardian Angel" on my iPod and blasted it into my ears. That brought me back to when I was in JC, even before I went to the army. Not exactly the best place to be, but better than now.

-:-

Today I met Sarah for the first time in a long time. She returned me several diaries, one I wrote when I was in Assam for the first time 3 years ago, and another I wrote when I ORDed and went with dad to UK.

Relief. More Totems.

I read the second of my diaries passed to me by my girlfriend of last year and it brought me back to a time even before I was attached. I had just met Rachel B last week, but this diary took me back to the previous time when I met her- before I even started my first year in psychology.

You know, I had stopped writing between this time last year and now. But everything that happened in this past year is summed up in the diary I wrote before the year even began.

I was reaching the end of my army stint. I feared for what was to come. I wrote down my concerns.

Some I managed to avoid. Too few actually. Most of my fears at the time were founded and I faced those problems soon after. My diary was almost predictive of the future.


But now I have no diary of the past year. It's as though I'm waking up for a dream and everything gets forgotten. The problem is... without the memory... and without another predictive diary... I have no idea where to go from here.

-:-

I plugged in music from the musical "Sunset Boulevard" that we put up in JC and it brought back memories too as I took the long ride to the cross. But more than that, the words were so apt.

Please can you tell me what's happening
I just don't know anymore
If this is real
What should I feel
What should I look for?

Day 12

Day 3 of the beginner's fencing course.

We were split to teams of 4 to fight tournament style.

The 1st fencer from competing teams fight to reach 5 points first.

The second pair continues from their scores and fight to reach 10 points first.

So on till the last pair of fencers fight to hit the 20 point mark and win.

In other words, the later fencers can make up for the earlier fencer's mistakes.

My team put me last.

Our first fencer lost 3-5

Our second fencer lost too, making the score 6-10.

Our third fencer was a guy and, against a girl, he gained back some ground to lose at 13-15.

I saddled up.

Our team was holding a blade of a different handle from the rest of the competitors, which gave us a disadvantage because the team was not used to the straight handle- we had used a pistol grip which makes blocking much easier.

But I had trained at home with straight grip weapons for years...

-:-

I was half expecting the see the greatest miracle in my life today as I headed to school.

I have seen huge miracles in other's lives, and was hoping to finally experience one myself.

I would have celebrated it as a lasting ordinance all the days of my life.

For God would have worked where man had failed, and opened a door no one else could.

I went to see the psychology department one last time, and ask them to let me retake the stats module that I had passed (so I cannot retake it) but not cleared (so I cannot major in psychology).

After 3 days of fasting and prayer alone or with friends and family, I spoke to the department's manager.

-:-

I began fencing and held steady as the opponent's team best moved quickly and attacked.

I held him at bay and reduced his lead by taking the first few points.

Then he caught on with my style and was able to capitalize on some of my mistakes.

We fought each other hard for every point, and though he reached 19 points first, I was able to finally able to level the match off at 19-19 to set us up for a grand finale.

-:-

The manager said no, I cannot retake the module, without any shadow of doubt.

I lost the last point in the fencing bout.

-:-

I almost won.

But that also means I lost.

Yeah I drew the shorter straw to begin with, but I think only one question remains now.

Do I dispair?

-:-

I removed my mask, shook my opponent's hand, and smiled.

"Good game," he said.

"Good Game." I replied.

Day 11

Interesting.

I've spent 2 days without YinShuang's blog.

Oh the pain.

I bought NUS brand bottled water today.

I hope that lets me stay in the school and not need to leave prematurely.

Tomorrow, I will talk to the Manager of the Psych Dept.

Day 10

Tomorrow is one of the most important days in my life.

Either God works and rolls the stone away, or my life in NUS will come to a premature end.

Day 9

Development Psychology Tutorial
(Spoiler alert. Stop reading if you might be taking it in future)

We were asked to watch a video of a lecture taken in the 1980s.

2 infants and their parents were in front of the lecture hall playing with toys as the lecturer talked about them.

Brandon was in a baby baseball cap and a blue jumper.

Rachel was in a pink dress.

So the lecturer talked about each baby and we watched how they responded to things like rattles and mirrors.

Later on, the students were asked to vote as to which words from a list of 18 would best describe which baby.

Dominant. Warm. Independent. Affectionate...

One by one, the words were assigned to each baby based on the judgements made from the short time they were observed.

We in class also voted on our own and the results were compared.

But I realised my own votes were always against the majority, so I wrote my own votes down instead of following the general trend.

Then the lecturer tabulated the results by converting the words into 2 categories.

Masculine words, and feminine words.

For example, warm and affectionate is more feminine.

Dominant and independent is more masculine.

And true enough, the students on the video had assigned more masculine traits to Brandon and more feminine traits to Rachel. As for us in class, the same result was achieved, but just not as extreme as theirs.

But when I looked at my own votes, I had for some reason put all but 2 of the masculine traits on Rachel, and all but 2 of the feminine traits on Brandon. Why was I so weird?


Then the lecturer asked why they tended to put masculine traits on the boy and feminine traits on the girl. Was it because they were dressed in a certain way?

They next thing they did was swap the clothes. Brandon was now in a dress and Rachel in a blue jumper. The students laughed and said they looked weird.

But as I looked at it, I thought wow. Rachel in the jumper really looks like a boy and Brandon really does look like a girl.

Then the lecturer told us that she had lied. Rachel was Brandon and Brandon was Rachel. Before the lecture they had changed the children's clothes to see how we would classify their personality traits. And the students were all fooled. When given so little information, people resort to stereotypes to help them judge. And the most pervasive stereotype, is gender.


So guess what, I didn't know the kids were swapped, but I was not fooled.


That's why I'm so weird.

Coz I don't just study Psychology. I study Gender!