Fri Day 13

I searched desperately for a totem on the way to school.

In the movie Inception, it is something that tells you if you're awake or dreaming.

For me today I just needed something to ground me. To remind me of who I was.

I had spent almost 2 years going after the dream of a degree in psychology and had been suddenly and rudely woken from that dream. After spending so much time and energy in a dream, waking and realizing that nothing you did matters is very troubling and destabilizing. So I needed something to stabilize me; something that holds enough memories to bring me back to where I was before I fell asleep. Once I can recall where I was before, I can figure out how I got here, and then where to go next.

I found the song "Your Guardian Angel" on my iPod and blasted it into my ears. That brought me back to when I was in JC, even before I went to the army. Not exactly the best place to be, but better than now.

-:-

Today I met Sarah for the first time in a long time. She returned me several diaries, one I wrote when I was in Assam for the first time 3 years ago, and another I wrote when I ORDed and went with dad to UK.

Relief. More Totems.

I read the second of my diaries passed to me by my girlfriend of last year and it brought me back to a time even before I was attached. I had just met Rachel B last week, but this diary took me back to the previous time when I met her- before I even started my first year in psychology.

You know, I had stopped writing between this time last year and now. But everything that happened in this past year is summed up in the diary I wrote before the year even began.

I was reaching the end of my army stint. I feared for what was to come. I wrote down my concerns.

Some I managed to avoid. Too few actually. Most of my fears at the time were founded and I faced those problems soon after. My diary was almost predictive of the future.


But now I have no diary of the past year. It's as though I'm waking up for a dream and everything gets forgotten. The problem is... without the memory... and without another predictive diary... I have no idea where to go from here.

-:-

I plugged in music from the musical "Sunset Boulevard" that we put up in JC and it brought back memories too as I took the long ride to the cross. But more than that, the words were so apt.

Please can you tell me what's happening
I just don't know anymore
If this is real
What should I feel
What should I look for?