Today was a great day

When somebody loved me,
Everything was beautiful
Every hour we spent together 
Lives within my heart

When the things you hold dearest to you are taken away

You feel a sense of lostness or meaningless.

I felt it before-
after my O levels were over,
after I returned from India,
after I got rejected by Medicine.

When the one thing you strived with all your heart and soul for is taken away, you feel empty.


They've taken away Psychology from me.

It took me years to find a niche area, and I have finally found it. I live and breathe psychology. I've been practicing it before I started studying it. I love it. They just took it away from me by saying I cannot major in it because my statistics paper did not make the grade twice.

I should feel horribly empty now more than ever.


But I don't.

Even at my lowest moment yesterday, amidst emotions and some tears, I did not feel lost. No, this time there was a firm sense of hope and confidence.

I've had to deal with loss many times already, and I've learnt to hold on to things loosely. Things of this world at least. I hold on like crazy to the things eternal.

So when the things of this world fade and I'm left bare, I look at the huge hands of God and I fear nothing..

⁸For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[m] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
-Romans 8:38-39

It's a reassuring thing to know. I don't fear the road, for I know I can make it, but that doesn't make it any less of a strain and pain to travel.

Yesterday was the worst day I've had, but tomorrow will be a better day. Oh yeah, tomorrow will be one good day.

Worst Day in my Life

Today might well be the worst day in my life.

It summed up the worst month I've had as far as I could remember.


This month I took on 3 tests.

1. The NYNY Yankee Burger challenge.

I failed it and had to call for dad to come and pick me up because I could no longer walk.

2. The driving final practical test.

I failed it with twice the total number of demerit points allowed (and one immediate failure).

3. Statistics.

I studied every day and worked hard to pass this placement test that was needed to major in psychology. I failed too.


This month I could not sit for my IPPT because of a sprained ankle which had me limping for the first half of the month, and unable to exercise the rest of it.

This month Marianne left. And so did Zhi Han, Yinhong, and tomorrow, Jon Ma.


Today.

I went down to the department to ask them if I could still major by any chance in the subject I had found my calling in. No.

I could not find the office of student affairs.

My eyebrows didn't get threaded right the first time and I needed to go back to the salon.

New Zealand ice cream didn't have my favourite flavor.

The toy gun I just bought and fixed up doesn't work.


It's been a bad day.

I came home and sat down with mom and dad and told them the situation.

Yeah... I was looking into changing college. They suggested try overseas to not waste 2 years.

I wanted to cry. Coz of the pain of leaving, coz of the tough road ahead, coz of the awesomeness of having supportive parents.


I'm actually feeling quite okay now. We prayed and I do not fear where the Lord leads. I spent years trying for medicine only to find my true calling was psychology. We trust him. We'll survive.

I've been through worst before. I'll survive. But the thought of having to go through it again sucks.


I cried out today for help.

Silently of course, coz I knew I was alone.


Then suddenly, by the grace of God, an unexpected sms comes in.

God provides.

Why I didn't like Toy Story 2

I loved Toy Story 3 for its wonderful themes like friendship- sticking together through the good times and bad.

But Toy Story 2 was way over our heads. The issues they dealt with were not what I expected from a kid's movie.




Issues like existence. Purpose in life.

Woody was caught in a dilemma- to go home where he would be played with by Andy for a now but eventually be forgotten as Andy grew up, or to stay on with the cowboy toys that were going to be sent to a toy museum where they will be eternally looked upon. Either way he will lose friends. There was no right and wrong choice.

That's not cool.

Issues like that should not be appearing in a children's movie. It reminds me of Arwen's choice in LOTR. To be with Aragorn and in love but live for a short time, or to be without him and live forever. That's an adult theme.

They salvaged that by making one group selfish and seeking to capture Woody. So yeah if someone is trying to capture you and manipulate you then fight him. But when that was resolved, some questions were not.

Like, what is the purpose of a toy's life?

And coz these toys have life and we identify with them, the next question to ask is then "what is our purpose in life?"

How's a parent going to answer that one when their kid who just watched the movie asks?


I was troubled by that. But for the record, for me, I know what I was created for. And like all the toys in Toy Story who feel the most satisfied when they are played with, coz that's what toys are made for, I feel most satisfied doing the very thing I was created for.

Amazing how spiritual/philosophical this can get eh. I wonder why I didn't like Toy Story 2 if it made me think about life and existence and purpose in life.

Oh yeah, coz it was a kids show and I just wanted to have fun watching it.

Horror

That's 9,520,000 results too many.

Saved but still human

I thought God was everything I needed.

I was wrong.


God provides everything I need(ed).

Why Women Scare Me

"I knew he liked me before he knew he liked me."

-Melanie Chan, 24th June 2010

Oh Look!

I finally started blogging about somebody other than myself.

Internal crisis over.

Jared Poon

"He has two cats and an imaginary dog, all of which find him mildly amusing. In
his spare time, he has been known to drop in at Logicmills for various nefarious
reasons. To this day, he continues to deny owning an orbital space station, on
which he (allegedly) intends to build a very large laser for non-violent purposes."

Long Day

As of today, I hate traveling.

I spent over 2 hours in the train and 2 hours in the bus and another hour waiting them both.

Traveling is not the problem, it's the stress that comes with it that gets to me.

Being around so many people I don't know makes me feel lonely.

Being pushed around makes me feel worst.

I was carrying 15kg today, mind you.

I was walking home from the bus stop as lightning flashed across the sky again and again and again. I prayed hard that it would not rain. Both my hands were full of electronic items and I had no way to hold an umbrella. My worn out shoes didn't help on the slippery floor, but God provided and I got home dry.

Today, was the first time in a long time that I went out with God alone.

It was an uncomfortable day, in all aspects of the word.

The traveling, the lack of familiarity in the places I went to or the people I came across.

Most of all, the things I was talking to God and myself about.

You might not have realised, but I've been very withdrawn for almost a year, living like a hermit, communicating through but facebook alone. I could confide in no one and confided in no one and... Yeah I lived a very solitary experience.

Learnt helplessness.

In India, 3 years ago, I felt so alone, but what could I do?

In the army, 2 years ago, I felt so alone, but what could I do?

Now I feel so alone, and though there's much I can do about it, the failures of the past hamper me from trying. I have learn to live with solitude.

Or have I?

I've not been doing well, and by my own diagnosis, I'd say I'm beginning to exhibit several antisocial behaviours, which could soon turn to full blown mental disorders.

Today was a reality check.

The main thing I need to come to terms with was that I needed to stop looking for someone who I can share my life with; my emotions, my fears, my joy and my pain. I needed to stop searching for a soulmate the way girls have to stop waiting for their prince charming to come.

In The Dark Knight, Rachel said to Bruce Wayne, "Don't make me your only hope for a normal life."

This sums it all up. I figured the source of my pain yesterday, and today God led me change my solution.

I lack friends.

I lack people I can talk to.

Sure I have many people to laugh with, while I search for one person's basket to put all my eggs into, but I had completely forgotten about the middle ground. I could share some eggs with my casual friends! 

Well, easier said than done though.

I had to grow up much faster than others- I was already counseling in secondary school. I skipped a step or two in my development.

Thus, I have a major problem I need to face- I don't know how to keep my friends close.

I've never been able to actually.

At least now I know what I need to work on next semester.

I wonder, have I resolved the Identity Crisis, or has it just descended to a new low?

I'm coming back to the start

I've finally figured out the source of my identity crisis.

I know why I've been in limbo since mid October last year.

I know why my close friend said I went crazy.

I know why I stopped journaling.

I never realised all these things before.


But...

I still haven't figured how to deal with the source.

Feminism

Strong women have been some of the biggest influences in my life.

My entire character was shaped by strong feminist voices who made men sound innately oppressive. That of course made me very feminist, rejecting many notions of masculinity, and pushing the boundaries of acceptable gender deviance.

But today, hearing 2 of the most strong headed young ladies I know putting their weight behind the biblical complementarian notion, was such a refreshment for me.

For a man to say it would sound patriarchal, but for a woman to say it was liberation for me.

Not being feminist doesn't mean being patriarchal.

The Gift

It is said that upon receiving salvation one gains a gift, a specific talent, that is meant for service to the kingdom.

I was brought up in a christian home, so never really suddenly found myself with a unique ability.

I found it difficult to identify my gift.

But I think I've just realised what it is.


When I was young, I felt I had a special ability.

Which unfortunately had me behaving like a know-it-all.

I don't know it all.

Eventually I stopped behaving like I did.

But I always knew what was important.


I'm not going to tell you exactly what my ability is.

It's not something that can be used for my benefit.

But for it to be able to help others, it works better if they aren't looking out for it.


Why am I even writing this?

Tracy

Her very existence is a miracle.


Imagine someone who is related to two pastors you've been under.

Who knows your closest friends in church.

Who attended the same session of your primary school.

Who was in your secondary school.

Who knows your classmates in secondary school.

Who was in the same band as your best friend and your best friend's best friend.

Who is the god-sister of your friend of 14 years.

Who's dad helped your dad edit his first book.

Who was mentored by your BFFFLF.

Who is now in the same faculty as you are in the university.

Who dances to the same genre as you do.


Now imagine that you've never met that person before.


That, is what I call a miracle. And that is how I felt when I first met Tracy at church camp this week, after over 14 years of being in the same place, but being unaware of each other's existence.


But too bad, she doesn't like Forrest Gump.

Hero

"Lord,
Who will fight for me?
Who will come for me?"

"Michelle,
It's alright to be weak."

Reminiscence

The songs that marked the first half of my life were:

Blind - Lifehouse
Your guardian angel - Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
I will follow you into the dark - Deathcab for Cutie

They all speak of a certain kind of sacrificial, almost suicidal love. And they mirrored my life as a caped crusader without a cape or a masked vigilante without a mask. I gave of myself. I gave till I was gone. I lived for others alone.


The songs that marked my transitions out of that phase were:

The cure for pain - Jon Foreman
Live Like You Were Dying - Tim McGraw

I lost everything I had within me eventually when I tried to fill a hole that went too deep. My suicidal type of love meant I gave of myself, even when I knew it would destroy me. I'd rather die trying than fail.

And so I died. My blogged changed away from the old one. I hung up my metaphorical cape. And I went at life as if I had never lived before.

Problem was, you can't live like you're dying for very long, especially if you're not.


So that leaves me with my third blog skin. As you can see, it's still in a state of limbo. I don't know it it will stay in limbo for a long time, it might for all I know.

I am a ditto. I watch something, and I copy it. I look at people I work with, and complement them. But with nothing to watch, and with no one to help, I feel like I'm without an identity.

I feel like wearing my hat that covers my eyes now to hide my powers till the right time.

Facebook

As Facebook gets more and more accessible, life is beginning to get more and more compartmentalized.

I'm liking it less and less. What are you interests? Pick from the categories that can be linked. Last time it was just simply writing about yourself. Now you can't like anything outside the norm.

I hate walls. I'm liking FB less and less, and my blog more and more.

I'm going to leave regular FBing, and devote the time to appreciation of the arts.

There are 6 billion people in the world

That's a lot

And it makes me feel quite small

But you're the one I love the most of all.

Mom and Dad...

Were very impressed reading the email I wrote to my sister.

Daddy said his entire impression of me changed.

He asked me how long I took to write it.

I told him I did it in a hurry.

They seemed to really like my writing style.

Heh. Looks like they've not been reading my blog.

All I Need

"All I need is the air I breathe
And a place to lay my head..."


I've just spent the past 5 days in camp.


It's as though I walked out of this world into another, and after gathering courage there, facing my demons and winning my battles, I find myself returned to this world. But like the kids who returned from Narnia after becoming princes and princesses there, I found myself very suddenly in the real world with no way of reconciling what I just went through with where I am now.

It was as though time passed slowly in that other world. Hundreds of things happened there in a single day, as compared to the meagre 18 notifications on my Facebook account in the real world, after 5 days away. I came back as though no time had passed. I came back as though I had missed nothing.


This is why guys can talk about the army for the rest of their lives, though they only spent 2 years there. So many things happen in a single day, each a tale to tell, that there never is enough time to. Girls wonder how they can go on. They try to follow the conversation or the experiences of their boyfriends in camp, but because time passes at different speeds, they can never fully comprehend the extent of the experience guys feel.

"It's just 3 more days till you're out, it's so fast," a girl may think. But the boy in camp could have sung songs counting down to the book out 3 times that very day, awaiting and enduring the agony.

Did I find the training tough? No. Did I think I would have a problem completing it? No.
I knew I could do it, it's just that I didn't feel like doing it.


Still, I love my times in the army because of what they have made me.

I talk to God differently there. My priorities there are different.

And most of all, I came home realising there's more to life experiences than 140 characters. And that I can live without Facebook. And that... and that...


My asthma is returning. My lungs are failing me. It was the worst in camp when the smoking point was right outside my bunk. I need some air. Clean, unpolluted air. And I need some rest.

And I need to meet God and listen to him say more than 140 characters.

Goodbye daily Facebooking. Hello nature.


"All I need is the air I breathe

And a place to lay my head...

Do you know where to find it?"

Momma just said something to me...

That shook me in its honesty and bluntness.

How could she know something I've never verbalised to anyone before? In fact, I've never even considered doing it in it's entirety before.

Yet, the prediction of what I would do in the situation was so accurate... that I knew it's what I would probably do. But it was so... Eww.

Momma predicted I'd do something not too nice in a certain situation if it cropped up in future.

How did she know?

Argh. Never mind. I know the answer to this one.

She's my mother.

What should I do?

Crap, I know the answer to this too.

Do what she warned.

No, don't do what she warned me not to.

I lost my train

I wanted to blog about failure.

I aimed to eat a yankee burger. I failed and only managed half.

I aimed to get only 18 points at driving. I failed by half and managed 36.


I'm feeling very uncomfortable.

Yesterday I felt very uncomfortable saying something to Rachel B.

Today I found out the reason, that was not possible for me to have known yesterday.


Is it the power of the subconscious mind?

I fear the power I possess then.


I aim to pass stats. I better aim for an A+ so if I end up with a B- I still pass.

Time's up. No more time to study. Time to go for the test.


I have very little brain space left to think. Not good.

The more I think the clearer my choices are.

Too many thinks to thing about.


That's all for now.

In camp for training till Saturday.

Sorry Kimberly.

I hate my blog's makeover

It's so unfocused and directionless.
It looks like it's having another identity crisis.

Pink

I was attempting to study at Cat Socrates yesterday.

A girl with gorgeous hair walked in.

I got up to look around the shop.

Technically, I wasn't really looking around.

Pink. Purple.

Colours I thought look terrible on anyone's head.

Looked fantastic on hers when over a brown base.

I followed her on the next isle and peered between shop items at her hair.

I sat down and told Amanda about the girl.

Hello. Someone stood by our table.

Yinhong?!?

Slip

I don't know if I was dreaming or if it really happened.

I was sitting on the sofa and mom said something to me.

I replied with an expletive.

Dad thought he heard wrong and asked me to repeat what I just said.

I said something else.

Another Time

I want to tell you how my NYNY Yankee burger challenge went, but I'm so sick now I'm going to need to lie down. Next time.

The name Bamboo...

First appeared online, earlier on this year, in a secret MSN conversation between Justin and YinShuang.

They were discussing birthday plans for Yinhong, and were afraid she would pass by and realise who her sister was talking to online. Yinhong was unaware the 2 even knew each other, and the 2 wanted to keep things that way. Thus Justin changed his username to Bamboo, after his stuffed toy that was sitting on his table, to hide his identity.

That little conversation soon grew into an elaborate plan involving representatives from Yinhong's soccer team, her JC class, her church friends, her secondary school and her family. Coordination was done online, all under the code-name Operation Bamboo.

Operation Bamboo was a huge success.

But little known to anyone at that time, the stuffed toy that had inspired the surprise party was beginning to go places on its own.

Bamboo joined a church camp.

Where the panda trained to ride on horses.

And actually did ride on them.

Though Bamboo enjoyed the back seat more.

Even if it was illegal.

It made a few new friends.

And went to even more new places.

Bamboo was inquisitive, and loved to explore, to learn, and to watch.

Today was an important day for Bamboo. 

It was the first sunset that Bamboo had the pleasure of watching. It would also be the last sunset it sees in Singapore in a long time to come.


Bamboo had been going places, and I knew it was time to let the panda go. So I handed him over to my sister tonight, tearfully, as she headed off to Africa for the next 10 months.


Goodbye Bamboo.


Please take good care of Marianne.

Moving On

Marianne's leaving in a couple of days.

The house will be quiet.


I'm going to need someone else to keep me company.

To be honest, I have my eye on someone.

This is a model of the elf princess Arwen painted by Tommie Soule.

Played by Liv Tyler, the most beautiful looking woman I've seen.


I'm not saying I'm eyeing a 4cm model as a best friend silly.

I'm putting this up for a reason.

Go figure.


It's definitely not who you're thinking about.