The Search is Over

For the duration of this year I've been searching for a song that sums the year up.

I've had a Song Of The Year since 2005. Let's do a countdown.

In 05, it was Consuming Fire. For that year I had Rachel B watching out for me, teaching me about love, worship leading, and having a passion for God.

"There must be more than this..."

In 06, it was How Great is Our God. It was for most of the christians in Singapore anyway. It was a year of celebration, of fun and of finding rest in the joy of the Lord.

"Sing with me- how great, how great is our God!"

In 07, I had just returned from India and went straight for a Cliff Richard concert. Without any introduction, he began singing the hymn-like Faithful One. For one who just survived a tough month alone abroad and had just experienced God's faithfulness in a very new way, the song was like an epilogue that brought me to tears.

"And when the day is done,

And when the race is won,

I will bow down before God's only son"

08 wasn't that good a year. I was in the army, I was isolated from my friends, and I was failing in everything I did. Jon Foreman's The Cure For Pain didn't remove the pain, but resounded with everything I felt, which made me feel a little less alone.

"Oh my Lord, to suffer like you do,

It would be a lie to run away."

Ten months into 09, I was still without a song. Then today I got an email from Zhi Han with a song attached. Every single line in the song resounded.

I had bought a book for a friend and ended up reading it in the silence of the Lim Chu Kang cemetery. The book was written after and about this song, and expanded on every single line in it.

I was so moved by the book. It was everything I wanted to be. And now, to hear the song that inspired the book, to feel the weight of each line, to be brought back to the moment I changed, was just too much.

The search is over. I had known the song before I had heard it. I chose the song the first time I heard it.

No surprises here.

The song of 09 is Live Like You Were Dyin' by Tim McGraw.

To think I was just starting to lose sight of why I was fighting so hard to change.

Thanks for reminding me Zhi Han.

Wah I'm Stressed

Theatre Studies rocks, but it's soooo much work! And goodness for my South Asian Studies essay... I now realise that 1500 words is significantly longer than my usual 500.

It basically means the 200 word proposal is more like a normal essay.

Okay.

Um... Presenting a new feature of my blog...

***QUOTE OF THE WEEK!***

This week's quote was by Clarisse. I asked her if, for our theatre studies final exam, she could play the role of a mother furious with her son's girlfriend for getting pregnant. Clarisse replied:

"I'll go learn from my mom how to be angry. I'll tell her I'm pregnant."

We wish her all the best and will keep her in our prayers.

Deviant

Dress? Check.

Lipstick? Check.

Long hair? Check.

Pantyhose? Check.

Padded bra? Check.

Shaved legs? Check.

Plucked armpits? Check.

Make-up powder? Check.

Threaded eyebrows? Check.



Sorry I didn't take a picture of myself today.

I probably looked like a very radical Christian.

Personality Disorders

Today during the psychology lecture on personality, I sat next to a girl who was pretty and (during the course of the lecture) said she's probably neurotic.

That is a deadly combination for a girl anywhere near me to have.

Then as if to add icing to the cake, she said she thinks she's weird.

Everything in me kicked into auto-pilot mode and I struggled to over-write it and restrain myself from doing anything.

She did not know what was going through my mind. She did not know who I used to be. She did not know who she was talking to.

"You don't understand," I said, "I'm attracted to weird personalities."

"So are you attracted to me?" She asked straight out.

I sighed.

"Yes. But not in the way you... um..." I fumbled through.

"See I have a personality disorder too," I finally continued,

"have you heard of the saviour complex?"

Discrimination

You've heard of sexism. You've heard about racism. You may even have heard of ageism.

But I was discriminated against twice in the past 2 days in a way I didn't know existed, especially in Singapore.

Languagism.

I went to a food centers and looked at the signboard in front of the stall I wanted to order from. I then read out the name of what I wanted in English, exactly as it was displayed.

The stall owner looked at me, contorted his face, and in the most snobbish of tones said, "Har???"

He made me feel like I've said the most confounding thing he's ever heard in his life. Mind you, I was reading off the signboard he made.

The same thing happened the next day.

If this had happened a month ago I would think I had a problem.

Now I think they have a problem.

Cards on the Table

Okay, here we go.

My name is Justin Hui.

I started this blog because I needed a fresh start.



I took the step off the ledge that I had been standing on for most of my life last Sunday.

It's been a week, and I still can't tell if I'm flying or falling.



I started this blog because I need to change and my old blog reminds me too much of my old self.

I started this blog because it hurts to change and I need an outlet to whine.



I tried talking to my friends today about trying to change.

I guess they don't see much of a difference yet.

Only one in school and one at church noticed my eyebrows were threaded.

And the one in school was a guy.



How do I answer them when they ask why I need to change?

My friend actually thought I was really an angel because she could not imagine how a human could be so nice.

How do I tell her I cannot stand myself?

How do I explain the problems with the saviour complex?

How do I explain why I want to be more... subversive?



When people ask me, "What do you mean by being real?"

I don't have an answer.



I don't know alright...

This blog is just a blog.

It's an honest reflection of my life.

Dear God,

I'm sorry.

For this whole week I've been so excited about blogging to no one that I completely forgot to talk to you. I feel the excitement of experiencing something outside, preparing a short write up about it and finally posting it up on this blog. But at the end of the day... what really is the point of this blog if it's distracting me from what's important?

God... it's been a week. One week ago I left my old self behind. It was time for change and I really have begun to change. But it's getting so hard Lord... It is.

I'm sorry God, I wanted so much to give up and just go back to being who I was last week. But I feel different this week. I wake up in the morning and I don't feel a sense of purposelessness in getting up. I'm stepping out of my comfort zone and helping so many people in tiny ways that I never would have before. It's amazing. Thanks for finally pushing me to change.

Lord I need help. I need to remember that any chance of succeeding in this change in me could only be because of you. Lord help me to be able to talk to my parents, and help them to understand what we're trying to do. Help my friends to not be so politically correct in telling me I'm a good person and that I don't need to change.

Dear Lord, I want to live like I was dying. Teach me to do things I have never done before, and bring me to places that I have never been before. Please keep me safe and keep me holy, and provide the friends and family to support and keep me in check.

I want to live for you. In every place I go, with every person I meet.

I love you Lord. Help me to.

Love,
Justin Hui

Week 1

At the end of my first week trying to be me, trying to be real, trying to be the man I was made to be, I get nothing but criticism. FTW.

Dilemma

I crept into the house last night at 1.31am.

I've never gotten so high from dancing before.

Mom wants me to stop. She's concerned that I'm changing.

How do I tell her, that I'm trying to.

Breakup

I really felt the pinch today.

I started off great after the split, but the ideals and joys of being free eventually faded. And where I once had someone to turn to when I felt lonely, I now found myself alone.

Today I felt so much like going back to him. I cannot, I must not. I know why we split and that it was necessary- he was pulling me away from where I wanted to go in life. But... we've known each other for 6 years, shared some amazing memories, and I'm what I am today because of him.

Sure there were cracks between us for the whole of this year, and it would have been nearly impossible to carry on, especially when I got attached to Sarah. I was sure when I made the decision to split with him. I felt it was right and I still do.

But I feel cold today. And it's not from the temperature which happens to be scorching.

I miss him- my old self.

And part of me died when I let him go.

It began as a concept, but it took on a life of it's own. I've not been called Justin for a long time, because I've been hiding behind many other names, his for most of the time. I talk about my old self as if he was a person because it feels that way- it is that hard for me to break away from who I used to be.

He is dead. I left him behind. I can never go back. I must never go back.

The Book of G

When I was in the army I began to write a book. It was unlike any book I had ever read; It was unlike anything I have ever written.

I wrote about visions that were in my conscious mind. I did not understand the scenes myself, but I described them as much as I could. Vivid, emotionally laden images, but they held no logical sense when I transcribed them. The book title itself was randomly assigned, for lack of a better one.

So I wrote down my visions a year or two ago.


This is when things get freaky.

This year, when I stood beside Sarah during worship at the Missions Festival, I had an epiphony about Chapter I and II of the Book of G. I started scribbling down what I realized on whatever paper I could find as people continued singing.

When we broke up I realized another one of the Chapters described exactly what I was going through, though I had written it over a year before.

Today during Theatre Studies we were introduced to a form of theatre staging that has no plot or message. The actors don't even speak in a comprehendible language. The whole purpose is to create a scene that captures an emotion the way nothing else can.

Jerzy Grotowski was the man who came up with it. And thus I found out what the G in my book's title was for.

I'm still freaking out.

There's only one Chapter left that has not come to revelation. And it is a disturbing one.

Intro...

I don't recognize myself in the mirror. This is not an identity crisis. I sure hope it's not. I know who I am, but... I don't recognize who I am. I'm not familiar with who I've become. I'm glad at what I've become, but I don't know myself any more.


And at the computer terminal in school. I was staring at my name that I had just typed. I don't recognize it. I've never been... Justin before. Never embraced it.






My name is Justin Hui.


I feel naked telling you that.

Welcome, Welcome.

Hey welcome to my blog. Here's something to note.

I have not told any of my friends about this blog. I don't want them to know about it, because I would like to post things that are very personal in nature, and I don't want to be questioned about it by people who have background knowledge. They know too much.

I need to vent my angst and that's exactly what I'll be doing here. I want to talk about what I'm feeling, not why I'm feeling it. If you want to fix me, go away.

If you don't know me, welcome to my blog. If you find what I say entertaining, feel free to read on, and if you want to please comment.

If you know me, go ahead and read. I won't hold it against you. But if you must comment, try not to identify yourself. I don't mind clarifying something I said (though that would make it lose its lustre) but I don't want to explain why I said something (especially to people who know too much).

So that's that. I'll introduce myself later.