Punggol for Dummies

For most of you who do not know, Punggol is located between Seng Kang New Town and the southern peninsula of the black lands of Mordor.

My cousin from Australia was standing at the LRT station and he thought he saw a cow.

We're not that backward okay... It's not a cow, it's a water tank in the middle of Punggol field. People in a civilized province like Punggol have access to drinking water. Who wouldn't know that!

Anyway if you look to the background you can see another barrage being built in Punggol. See, we're not lagging behind the rest of technologically advanced Singapore.

In other news, residents of Punggol celebrated the opening of the estate's first 7-11 store. The grand opening of the popular chain of convenience store's flagship in the estate was attended by over half of the province's population. The festivities were reminiscent of the opening of the province's first fast food outlet, Kentucky Fried Chicken, back in November last year. Many residents have been living in the area since 2001, thus the opening of such joints in recent years has been greeted with great jubilation and sighs of relief.

Technically, the 7-11 store is not in the residential area but located several kilometers from the nearest housing block. It made more economic sense to build it in a rural place for lower rent. After all, it being the only big convenience store in the area, it could choose where it wanted to be, and people would have no choice but to come to it for supplies. We sent our on the scene reporter to check out the biggest convenience store to be built in Punggol.

Signboards were put up very kindly leading travelers out of the residential area right to the store, which was located in a much more rural area.

After passing 3 signboards like the ones above and a very big banner closer to the store, our reporter finally arrived at the 7-11, and the carpark to the Marina Country Club where it was located was packed full of Punggol vehicles. Before this, the carpark had been consistently empty and was more a place for couples looking for a secluded place.

"7-11 has really brought in business to this area," said Mr Chan, the carpark warden. "We used to have free parking and no one would come, but now with the store we can charge people per hour for use of our carpark."

A comparison to other estates show that no other 7-11 has close to as many signboards pointing to it.

Skeptics (most of whom from SengKang New Town) have said that the 7-11 located off Punggol is still smaller than the one in SengKang. But to the local optimistic population, a little is better than nothing and they are still are feeling the euphoria of finally being seen as worthy of a 7-11 in their neighbourhood.

Punggol still does not have a McDonalds, even after letters to the editor, the management of McDonalds, and the province Member of Parliament. KFC still remains the only fast food joint in the area.

I've Made a Mess of Me

I just recovered from a week of having severe throat infection and inflammation.

I was on some medication and drank water like a fish.

But...

All the while, each time mom checked me, she said my throat was not red or inflamed. I had no temperature either. I wasn't coughing. In other words, though I felt sick, I did not have any real symptoms of sickness.

It's the exam week. I did not show any signs of anxiety though I was greatly stressed. Maybe this was my id's (my unconscious') way of releasing its tension.

I am my own affliction
I am my own disease
There ain´t no drug that they could sell
No, there ain´t no drug to make me well

Yesterday night though, my temperature surged, my face was flushed, my eyes were bloodshot, my heart pounded, my breathing became more vigorous and my head was throbbing. Rashes started to form and my previous insect bites started to act up again.

I think I'm allergic to alcohol.

There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
It´s not enough
The sickness is myself

Stop and Stare

If you can't stop to listen don't start to talk.

-Justin Hui, 20 Nov 09

Did anyone bother to notice the stars today? Did anyone realise how big the moon was tonight? Did anyone of you even look up and see that there wasn't a cloud in the sky this evening?

I just headed to the rooftop garden connected to my block of flats. I saw the huge smiling moon. I counted at least 54 stars. I got down on one knee, and I praised the Lord.

I was in full view of the 4 apartment blocks around the garden. I didn't feel self conscious even though 104 households were surrounding me.

Because no one even bothered to look out of their window to notice that someone was on the roof.

Broken People, Broken Arms

After living for over a month in the Caste system, Mom has been emancipated.

She's overthrown the shackles that have held her and is now free.

But she's an outcaste now. Untouchable too.

Yes yes I know, I've studied a little too much for my South Asian module on the Dalits. But try to stop me from raising awareness about their plight!

Mom is out of her cast but her arm is still very weak and painful to the touch. Thus I found it interesting to call it that. Hope this is not insensitive. Not meant to be.

So here's a picture of her cast when it was still on. Artwork my yours truly.

If you're wondering, it's a labyrinth. I learnt it from the illusive and mysterious Dr S. Basically, unlike a maze, if you follow the path of the labyrinth you would pass through every single path in the entire labyrinth before coming back to where you started. This modified labyrinth went round the whole arm. The original looked like the human brain.

What's even more cool- archeological findings from ancient civilizations from separate parts of the world have uncovered the same design- long before the time when these civilizations were even in contact. Freaky. How could they all know the same symbol.

Some say it was aliens who visited the different civilizations. Others say because the starting point of drawing the labyrinth is the cross and the 4 corners of the universe, that it was a universal symbol. Or maybe all civilizations did come from one place to start with.

Nice.

Psychology Finals

There before me the paper lay

Judging me in its cruel way

Asking what I had to say

On this cruel judgement day

I felt like walking out 20 minutes before the end of the psychology paper. 2 out of 5 structured questions I could not do. When all else fails, fail everyone else - my act of walking out of the examination hall would break the psychological focus of my competitors. But I was still struggling with the paper and could not finish the paper in time to walk out.

Staying might not have been so bad. I changed many of my MCQ answers during the spare time. Hehe.

When the paper was done, I felt like standing on my chair and telling my paper not to judge me any more. But people taking psychology would label me abnormal, people taking sociology would label me deviant, and people with philosophy would sigh. So I didn't do it. Sigh.

Coming out, I saw mixed reactions. Everyone could not do 1 or 2 of the structured questions, but their responses seemed to depend on whether they took the stats module. Smiling friends went, "that was so much better than stats!" while frowning ones thought it as their worst paper.

Yeah yeah I couldn't do 40% of the structured questions, but compared to stats, I'm quite sure I'll pass.

So I'm happy. Lalala.

Sleeping Around

So the Doulos is going to be scrapped.

There goes another bed I've slept in. There goes another ceiling I've slept under.

In my life, I've slept in many places.

I've slept in my bed, I've slept in my parents bed.

I've slept on my sister's bed, I've slept on the living room floor.

I've slept on reclaimed land, I've slept on a park bench.

I've slept under the moon and the bamboo on a mountain peak.

I've slept in the deserts of Australia and the dormitories in Myanmar.

I've sleep on safari beds in Assam and beds in a safari in Africa.

I've slept in my nephew's bed in Portsmouth.

I've slept on a bed in Eusoff Hall and the floor of Temasek Hall.

I've slept on a sofa at Exxon Mobil and on the bed of a half blood princess.

I've slept in a bunk in Tekong and 3 bunks in the west.

I've slept in 3 bunks in the east.

I've slept on a bed in Hong Kong and I've slept on a mattress in Singapore.

I've slept in a sleeping bag in 2 secondary schools.

I've slept on the floor of NUS and I've slept on the roads in Taiwan.

I've slept on my grandmother's bed and my cousin's tiled floor.

I've slept on the Doulos Ship,

The 747 returning to Singapore,

The Swiss double decker train,

And the Indian train with 3 bed levels.

But what's important is that I wake up.

Every morning I awake and look around at the surroundings, familiar or not. It takes a while for me to figure out where I am, and remember who I am. When I finally do, sometimes it makes me sigh. Then I pray for help to carry on. But some days I am happy when I remember who I am.

Every day, it's a miracle to me how I got here and how I remember how I got here. As long as I can remember who I am, there is hope in my today.

Yay.

By the way please don't suggest any ideas like making the ship into a church/monument/restaurant unless you have a few million dollars to spare.

I already tried.

One Month On

It's been a month since I began this new lifestyle.

Some things have come to light that I am really quite embarrassed about.

The first of which was that when I threw off my old self, the masks and pretense and nicknames and what not, I realised that the real Justin behind everything was nothing.

No I'm not trying to be humble, I really felt lost. Yes the old has gone, but it felt as if the new had not come. Thus the identity crisis. Without the old identity I didn't know who I was.

But what was really going on, was that when the covers fell away, the Justin that was exposed was a frail, weak, undernourished and underdeveloped being. He lived through other names and characters but was never himself. As Artaud put it, "He wasn't entirely himself".

So the new self has come in the form of a blank slate, when you compare the two it seems like something was taken away because the new has nothing on it. But I guess that's the point of it.

Okay... the second thing. I hate to say this, but because of the nature of the characters I played, I was always seen as someone more mature. True I acted mature and as a good example, but... I missed a stage of development. Thus Justin was looking good on the outside, but was underdeveloped on the inside.

I am a 21 year old undergoing adolescence.

There, I said what I was trying to hide the whole of this blog's life. Desiree put it in simple words. "Adolescence is a natural stage of development where identity is the main issue of struggle. But this usually happens before a person is 21. At a later age they seek out more intimate relationships. You seem to have done this backwards."

It's true. I got a girlfriend, skipped lectures, stayed out late, used bad language and listen intently to Avril Lavinge's "Let Go" album, all for the first time in the span of the later half of this year. These were the things most people did in their teenage years. Yes... I had pushed back development in order to help others develop. And when everyone had moved on... I hadn't. No wonder I felt a lack of friends after JC. I felt no one at my level... And I had thought I was at a more advanced stage of development.

These are the feelings that have been in my heart, these are the thoughts that are in my mind. In the words of Avril when she was going through this phase in life:

It's always been up to you,
It's turning around it's up to me,
I'm gonna do what I have to do.
Just don't.

Give me a little time,
Leave me alone a little while,
Maybe it's not too late,
not today...

I don't know how I'll feel,
tomorrow, tomorrow
I don't know what to say,
tomorrow

Tomorrow is a different day.

And what she sang is what I'm saying to you. I need some time alone, I need some silence. I'm going to hostel, God willing, and I'm going to be a recluse. Prince George's Park Residences is as isolated and secluded as you could get and I knew once I saw it that this is where I need to be. This is going to be a few months of silence, of soul searching and meditation. When I say I want to live like a monk I meant it.

God has always been faithful. Now has come a time for me to go into the forest alone, and be with my maker, letting him write on my new blank slate whatever he want to.

I'm not running away. I need to go. I've been here too long. Goodbye.

I've Applied to Hostel

There are times in life when we will learn.

There are times in life when we will preach.

I've preached for most of my life.

But I'm out of date and out of things to say.

I need some time to be alone, do some self reflection.

I need to develop my faith into something that can thrive today the way it did yesterday.

I really hope I get the room in hostel.

Then I'll disappear for a while and live like a reclusive monk for a time.

And when I return I will have something better to say.

One Cor Six Twelve

If swearing always lets me evangelize the way it did today, I'd swear a whole lot more.

Today, I chose being real over being right.

I have changed.

12.10am

Came home and drew my curtains.

There were post-its on my wall forming 3 characters.

I Y U

Seriously lah, with a sister like this, who needs a wife?

Premonition

Yesterday I was wondering for the first time, will I have reservist this coming June holidays?

I have plans drawn up but I had not taken into consideration the possibility of a call-up.

I even checked the NS Portal last night, but forgot my password.

Then my bunkmate in army smsed me.

"Eh you got your letter yet?"

What the Fish?!?

Mom started singing a Barney song this morning, but I think she got the words mixed up with the lyrics from "If I were a Butterfly".

"When I grow up

I wanna be a fish,

But I wonder if I'll know how..."

Walking with Marianne to lunch not long after that. She said she was hungry, I asked if she was pregnant. She said pregnant with what? I said an octopus maybe. Then her reply:

"If I'm pregnant I'd rather be pregnant with a crab so when it comes out I can eat it."

I'm disturbed a great deal by the women in the house.

Talk and Listen

I was talking to Eva in her Z4 today.

For those of you who don't know what that is, imagine a car taken from the movie "Transformers", installed with an engine from "The Fast and The Furious", and piloted by a girl right out of the Japanese mecha anime "Neon Genesis Evangelion".

Naturally, being seated next to a being of such high intelligence and technological wizardry, my conversations took to much more intellectual topics.

Justin: I feel hungry.

Pause

Justin: And I think I know why.

Pause

Justin: I ate vegetarian food for lunch.

Eva: But isn't vegetarian food supposed to fill you up?

Justin: Well it did for a while, but I got hungry soon after.

Eva: But it's 9pm now- If you haven't had your dinner, of course you're hungry.

Oh yeah. Didn't realise that.

When Justin starts to work, he forgets most everything else.

Then the radio came on: "And the next song is dedicated from Sarah to Justin..."

I jumped up because the DJ actually mentioned what sounded like the Justin's surname... but I didn't catch it. Blame it on the loud engine of the convertible BMW coupe I was in with the sunroof off. Made me miss the message after that too.

=)

Identity Crisis

Alright God hit me. Boo hoo hoo.

Videos have come to surface today of who I used to be. Just the mention of it was enough to freeze my blood.

I hated who I used to be. I'm talking about the pre-blogger me, way before my old self. I hated it so much I wanted to commit suicide. That was in primary school.

In secondary school, I changed. I swung my personality to the opposite side of the spectrum, becoming very passive and docile. I avoided leadership, I avoided responsibility, I avoided. I just lived in my own little world.

That old self has been put to death.

I'll be honest. I'm lost.

Everything inside me looks like everything I hate.

I feel like running away, but I'm not one to run away. Neither am I one to fight. I'm turning up for battle without a weapon hoping things will somehow work out.

Go away. Go away. Leave me alone.

No, that's what the old me would want.

Why am I talking to myself.

Fuck.

God, please help.

Friend, don't leave me alone.

But I will hurt you and hate you.

I spent all my life trying to be someone else.

In trying to be myself, I realise the awkward truth.

After all that crap,

I am nothing.

Questioning the Body

I know there has been much talk about the size of a man's penis.

But that might not be the most important question for us to be asking.

At BodyWorlds, I found out that the vagina's normal length is from 8 - 11cm, and at most an additional 5cm during arousal.

Which basically means that the average vagina can barely take the size of the average penis.

So the next question we might want to be asking now is:

How long is your vagina?

2 Ways

I just realised that living like you were dying could go 2 ways.

You could go burning out bright, or you could go down with a vengeance.

21 Days Later...

3 weeks after changing my life, I feel empty.

I feel like I'm trying to be someone I'm not.

I feel like what my old friend described as...

Turning away from who I used to be,

But not turning to God.

I've poured myself out.

But I have not gotten refilled.

What am I waiting for?

Sigh.

Alright God... hit me.

Bye bye everything.

Last Night

Sitting in the bus.

I realised a man was staring at me.

So I stared back.

He backed down.

Justin 1, Man 0

FTW.

Grrr...

I hate people saying that's just the way things are. I hate it especially when it is regarding matters pertaining to themselves. Fears, hesitations, obstacles, barriers. It's just me, I'm like that, I can't do anything about it.

Crap.

That means I hate myself.

I can't change my background colour to a more reddish shade. It's so pink.

Woman Warrior

I was blown away by Peter Bright's book in the light of all the feminist notions I've been hearing in school. In his fantasy novel he basically subverts the usual patriarchy.

The prince was taken captive by the dragon. The king was deeply troubled by the loss of his only son and heir to the throne. He sends a message throughout the land that whoever can kill the dragon and save the prince will be greatly rewarded.

A woman comes forth, amidst the many men, and appears before the king. Some of the greatest quotes since LOTR appear in this chapter. The king asks:

"How can a man ever win a fight against a dragon?"

"I'm a woman. And I don't fight conventionally."

And indeed Rhonda doesn't. She uses a longbow and well, to cut the long story short, kills the dragon and rescues the prince.

The king wants to reward her with the hand of his son in marriage.

She declines, not liking the distressed and helpless prince as a spouse.

But this story is completely fiction.

Justin, Stop Talking To Yourself!

Yesterday I felt I was freaking a girl in school out.

Okay that sounds bad. I probably perceive it worst than it is...

"Justin... I can help you... You know I've always been good in these situations..." It was my old self speaking, enticing me to go back to him.

No. I will resist. I'd rather freak a girl out by being myself than attract a girl by being something I'm not.

Right?

o.O

We were at Psychology Tutorial today. Mental Disorders was the topic.

What abnormal behaviors do you have? We discussed in groups and shared with the class.

One girl must arrange her colour markers in rainbow order.

Another has to wash her hands the moment she touches her shoes.

It came to my turn. I said I talk to myself.

"I already mentioned that," my tutor with hair as black as Professor Snape's said.

No, it's different. I talk to all 3 of me.

Now the whole class suddenly turned towards me.

I quickly explained.

When I'm happy I'd just converse with myself, like in the mirror- how are you Justin, oh I'm feeling great. Or I would psychoanalyse myself- So Justin, why did you do that? I don't know... Normal stuff like most people do.

But when I am stressed I start having other voices shouting with angst...

Now the whole class was staring at me.

Erm... Please stop staring guys. You're making us feel uncomfortable.

o.0.O

The guy next to me opened up too. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia when I was in JC and very stressed. I would hear an angel me and a devil me. The devil would ask me to give up and just go and jump.

So when did you first get help?

When I dashed out of my house to jump off and my dad grabbed hold of me. My mom panicked and they brought me to hospital.

Wow.

I'm surprised he could share it actually. I thanked him for doing that.

Want to conclude with something intelligent but I don't have anything.

Slippery Slope

It poured in Punggol.

I left the house and the moment I opened my umbrella...

The rain stopped.

I arrived in NUS in scorching heat.

Then suddenly...

I was getting wet, but I was so in awe of the water features I just started snapping away with my camera phone.

Quite pleased at how my E71 shots came out this good!

Feels so unreal! By this time people walking past were staring at me kneeling by the drain taking pictures. But I didn't care. I'm terminal so I'll do whatever I want if it doesn't hurt people.

Running Water

Pouring Rain

Peace and Violence

Intertwined

To be honest. I felt weird too.

I felt the awe and splendor of nature's force just staring at a drain.

But I felt the judging eyes of people seeing me as abnormal.

Welcoming Tour

Hello!

My name is Justin and welcome to my blog. It's new and it's pink and it deserves some form of introduction so I will now show you around on a special guided tour of my blog!

To the top right you will find a very quotable quote. I might change it in time to come, but I probably won't because it fits the theme of my blog rather well.

Just below that are my blog Comments! In here you'll find familiar names like Desiree, Kimberly, Marianne and Yinhong (in alphabetical order, not order of importance). Don't let these names scare you from commenting though! I've changed the method of commenting on this blog so comments are tied specifically to posts instead of having a central tag-board, so more of you can comment without feeling daunted by the idea of changing the topic on a tag-board.

Special mention of my blog's biggest fan and my most loyal friend Tobias! Who else would walk 2km while having a stomach flu just to deliver a birthday present to my home, arriving pale and in cold sweat? Without this guy my blog is mostly a monologue. Round of applause please!

Okay I only have 6 links because I don't want to overwhelm you (and I don't read many blogs).

The Dead is my previous blog of my previous self who did not live like he was dying, so his blog (and him) were put to death.

The Living are my church youth group.

The Poet is my favorite blogger of all time. A close friend too.

The BFFFLF stands for the Best Freaking Friend For Like... Forever! I've known this guy for 15 years already, and he's my best friend. Like duh.

The Art is something I'm still working on. It's basically my artwork gallery.

So there you have it, the new blog. It's sleek, it's stylish, and it won't give you a headache (I've not included any music in the background that screws up your brain trying to decipher my writings). Do come by regularly and comment freely. I blog quite often now and nothing encourages me to blog more than seeing several comments for me to publish.

Love you all!

Justin Hui

To be or not to be?

Consulted our Theatre Studies instructor today- we told her how difficult it was for the 6 of us to get enough stage time for the final test.

We were given 20 minutes, and the play only had 4 major roles.

"Why don't one of you get examined as a Director instead of an actor?" She asked.

I know I'm a good actor. I know it's a safe option to do acting for me. No way would I take on the directing role just for the sake of the group.

But.

If there's a skill I should learn... This is it. Not because I'm good at it so it's a safe option, not because I'm bad at it so it's sacrifice for the group. I feel I might have some potential here that needs developing.

But what if I'm wrong there?

How badly do I want to live like I'm dying?

Well...

It looks like I am willing to risk the grade to try something new.

The Lady in the Train

Sat next to me.

Breathed heavily.

Listening to headphones, watching a video on her phone.

I felt like telling her she was breathing as loudly as people snore.

In a nice way.

Phone rang.

She answered in a strange voice.

"Daddy made me very angry. I don't want to go home."

She sounded angry.

She sounded like she was talking to her child.

She got off at my stop, the last stop.

I remained seated for a while after she left.

Late Night Run

6 dogs in front.

1 stick in hand.

How badly did I want to complete my run?

How much did I want to live like I was dying?

'(-..-)'

After 4 rounds of Punggol and 20.33km covered, I returned home to find a worried mom dressed to leave the house in search of me.

2.30am.

Sheesh. I run slow.

Sorry mom.

Lotus and the Cross

Finally, it's over.

I was the last presenter of the last tutorial.

Strange thing though.

I wrote so much in the handouts I expected the class to bury their eyeballs in the texts, which means I could bury my face behind my paper too.

But when I started reading from my handout, they looked up at me.

Er... God, why are they looking up?

I stopped reading from the text. I looked up at then too.

And so I stopped reading and started presenting.

Thus for a few good minutes I spoke about the Dalits. When I saw the student's shocked expressions upon hearing the atrocious discrimination Dalits face, I knew why God put me where I stood, and why he had gotten me their attention.

So I spoke passionately, passing on the fire Joseph D'souza had for the oppressed.

When I finished, the class smiled. Someone said I sounded more like I was promoting than presenting. I smiled.

Now they all think I'm Buddhist.

0-_-o

At last week's lecture on South Asian religion, I really thought I'd make a great Buddhist, even a monk. Buddha's "Middle Way" ideology I completely subscribe to. It's basically the logic of neither craving nor aversion. What the Bible would speak of as living a simple life.

See... too much craving is not good, and neither is too much abstinence.

I basically derive big joys from small things. For example, I love:

-Riding in fast cars

-Talking to pretty intelligent girls (pretty refers to the intelligence)

-Cookies in milk

(In no particular order.)

So I take them when I get them and I enjoy them while I can.

But if I don't get them I'm fine.

Anything is permissible, but I will not be mastered by anything.

I agree with the Buddhist way of life.

Just that I can only attain such peace through Christ.

WTF

I'm clocking 12.30am and I'm stuck at stats.

Freak lah, my sister comes in and she has more idea of what's going on than my year 3 seniors. But she uses the graphic calculator that I have no idea how to use.

Sure we can get an answer, but I need to show working.

Worse, I need to type it all out.

How in the world do I type multiple big-ass fractions?

To think I wanted to clear the easier assignment first.

I still have a presentation tomorrow that I have not started working on.

Oh crap. My tutor could not open my file. She asked me to resend it.

2 days ago.

FTW.

20 Second Play

Act 1 Scene 1, Justin on the Train

Justin: Mom, can I stay in hall?

Mom: Don't ask me over the phone.

Act 1 Scene 2, Justin and Mom at home

Justin: Mom, can I have a kitten?

Mom: No. You could have tried asking for a tiger first, and then reducing your demands to a cat, then maybe to a fighting fish and I might have said yes.

Justin: But I started by asking to stay in hall mom... then I reduced my demands.

Mom: Your father does not like cats.

Act 1 Scene 3, Dad Returns Home

Justin: Dad, can I get a tiger?

Dad: Yes.

Justin: How about a cat?

Dad: Get in line. I wanted a dog, but mom won't let me.