Some things have come to light that I am really quite embarrassed about.
The first of which was that when I threw off my old self, the masks and pretense and nicknames and what not, I realised that the real Justin behind everything was nothing.
No I'm not trying to be humble, I really felt lost. Yes the old has gone, but it felt as if the new had not come. Thus the identity crisis. Without the old identity I didn't know who I was.
But what was really going on, was that when the covers fell away, the Justin that was exposed was a frail, weak, undernourished and underdeveloped being. He lived through other names and characters but was never himself. As Artaud put it, "He wasn't entirely himself".
So the new self has come in the form of a blank slate, when you compare the two it seems like something was taken away because the new has nothing on it. But I guess that's the point of it.
Okay... the second thing. I hate to say this, but because of the nature of the characters I played, I was always seen as someone more mature. True I acted mature and as a good example, but... I missed a stage of development. Thus Justin was looking good on the outside, but was underdeveloped on the inside.
I am a 21 year old undergoing adolescence.
There, I said what I was trying to hide the whole of this blog's life. Desiree put it in simple words. "Adolescence is a natural stage of development where identity is the main issue of struggle. But this usually happens before a person is 21. At a later age they seek out more intimate relationships. You seem to have done this backwards."
It's true. I got a girlfriend, skipped lectures, stayed out late, used bad language and listen intently to Avril Lavinge's "Let Go" album, all for the first time in the span of the later half of this year. These were the things most people did in their teenage years. Yes... I had pushed back development in order to help others develop. And when everyone had moved on... I hadn't. No wonder I felt a lack of friends after JC. I felt no one at my level... And I had thought I was at a more advanced stage of development.
These are the feelings that have been in my heart, these are the thoughts that are in my mind. In the words of Avril when she was going through this phase in life:
It's turning around it's up to me,
I'm gonna do what I have to do.
Just don't.
Give me a little time,
Leave me alone a little while,
Maybe it's not too late,
not today...
I don't know how I'll feel,
tomorrow, tomorrow
I don't know what to say,
tomorrow
Tomorrow is a different day.
And what she sang is what I'm saying to you. I need some time alone, I need some silence. I'm going to hostel, God willing, and I'm going to be a recluse. Prince George's Park Residences is as isolated and secluded as you could get and I knew once I saw it that this is where I need to be. This is going to be a few months of silence, of soul searching and meditation. When I say I want to live like a monk I meant it.
God has always been faithful. Now has come a time for me to go into the forest alone, and be with my maker, letting him write on my new blank slate whatever he want to.
I'm not running away. I need to go. I've been here too long. Goodbye.
Adolescence, huh...I skipped that stage entirely. I never stay out late (usually rush home straight after school, and if I need to stay late, it's because of project work, nothing else), never skipped lectures, never had a girlfriend in my entire life, and never listen to what-her-name's album. Well, the last shouldn't be counted because I only listen to Japanese Anime songs, but you get the gist.
ReplyDeleteSo according to you, I haven't undergone adolescence yet! Ha ha ha! And having no identity is not so bad because I don't need one. How do you define identity? An identity is a man-made concept to define yourself as an individual and differentiate yourself from others. That's all. So what kind of identity crisis are you having? Do you even need to worry about it?
And who cares, anyway?
We see you as Justin, we recognize you as Justin. Every time we see your familiar visage pop out in our radar, we go "HEY, JUSTIN! How ya doin', man?" That's all the identity you need. An identity is merely for others to recognize you from a crowd, and while it can prove imperative to your self-esteem and psychology, it isn't necessarily indispensable, i.e. you can live without worrying about it. Instead of trying to define yourself, why not ask everyone how they identify you as Justin? Maybe they'll be a better judge of character of the real you than you yourself would be. Even if you think that's still not the real you, it can provide a stepping stone or a starting spot for you to begin your journey of self-searching.
As for me, I live without bothering to define my identity. I just do what I want or what I think is right. I don't let others dictate my decisions (except my parents, probably) and I don't care what they think either. I have a goal and I live working toward it.
Maybe what you need is a goal too. A goal to work toward, something to distract your mind from wandering around to find your identity.
In fact, I don't think you're lost. You already have an identity, and it's not a blank slate. The only reason you think otherwise is because you haven't identified what it is yet. You already have all the characteristics present to define your real identity. It's just that in your tendency to over-think and over-analyze, you overlook it. It's like you're searching for a book, you know you have it, but just because you can't find it you think it's lost. Little did you know, it's actually in the shelf right in front of you. In your haste to find it, you overlooked the most obvious place. Sometimes we take our most basic characteristics for granted that we don't even know they're there until someone points them out for us.
Now, as I have said, maybe instead of looking for your identity on your own, you should go around asking others how they identify you. Sometimes, even if it's not the real you, they can spot the most fundamental characteristics that you often overlook because you took them for granted.
Sorry for the long comment. But I felt the need to say all this. As a friend, I wish to help as much as possible, but this is as far as I can go. If you ask me, how I identify you (other than your face) is not really your maturity. Maybe, if I were to put it this way, I remember you most for your ironic humor. And your love for God. Everyone probably has similar characteristics that overlap with at least one other person, so don't be afraid if the real you isn't very different from your old self, or someone else. Just be confident and move ahead. There's nothing hard work can't conquer.
Why do you think the old you isn't the real you, anyway? Do you feel a void or emptiness or something when you do something you don't want to do? Or is your perspective like third-person; as in everything you used to do seems so surreal and distant that you feel it isn't you?
Oh, and one last thing. Good luck for the exams. And maybe you won't fail your statistics, but...I hope you tried your best and not regret anything. Just move on and concentrate on your other subjects for now.
haha. now is our turn to follow you into the dark.
ReplyDeletebtw. i really think its a common phenomenum tt ppl go through when they enter uni. dissonance. (rmb my blog in yr 1..)
pgp is nice & can be phantom. yay when u get a room we can jio kenneth also to eat sheares supper.
& yep, u can take retake the mod again next sem if u need to. but pray tt u can make it through..
hong
Yeah. Hey Chun Wai I think we might be talking about the same thing. Yes I know my personality and things that I have not thrown out like my faith and all, but the way in which I relate to people and myself has got to chance with the times. In other words, there is a goal I'm going for, and it's an identity.
ReplyDeleteSo in the current state the question is not so much "Who am I" but "Who do I want to be". And to answer that question I'm asking "Who does He want me to be". So I find I'm in a good place.
Wah hong. That's not easy for me to hear it the other way around. You're right to say I'm going into the dark, but I'm not sure if I'm one to be followed. Because when Justin goes into the dark, he disappears into the night.
I'll probably be seeing you 2 a lot more, and being a recluse at the same time. Haha. Via Negetiva.
I don't live in hostel, so I don't know about that, unless you mean you run out of your room every time I come to school.
ReplyDeleteAs for God, let nature take its place. God isn't going to tell you directly, He will send subtle messages through other mediums. Watch out for those.