Coming Out

I did not do any reflection at the end of December last year. It did not feel like the end of the year anyway, with the uni term following such a different schedule from the normal calendar.


But we've come to the end of yet another school year and I do feel it is time for some reflection on the things I've done.




Uni year one was a year of screw ups and recovery. Semester 1 could be summed up under two major headings: Bad Romance and Bad Grades. Semester 2 was spent practically entirely in the library in a bid to recover from the damage done.

Uni year two was a time of new experiences. Having pulled my grades back up, I finally joined the fencing team and took part in two competitions, and joined NUS Stage and took part in two performances. I also changed major from psychology to sociology.

I have finally become the man I have wanted to be. 

See, in year one when I was still studying psychology, I took a module on personality. And we learnt that personality is largely what we are born with, more than what we are nurtured to become. There are elements of both of course in the formation of personality, but either way by the time you're 30, your personality is more or less set in stone. And back then I was not really the person I wanted to be, so I decided to change.

And change I did. I tried so many new things, and made so many new friends, and did all the things I wanted to do but never dared to. I have finally become the man I have wanted to be. 

But...

I still feel absolute meaninglessness.

It's not something I just started feeling. I've been feeling it for so long. In the entire process of change I hoped by the time I reached the end, life would have some semblance of meaning in it, but it hasn't.

I used to look at this verse and wonder how Paul could ever say life was worst than death.

²¹ For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. ²² If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! ²³ I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; ²⁴ but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. ²⁵ Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, ²⁶ so that through my being with you again your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound on account of me.  (Philippians 1:21-26, New International Version, ©2011)

But now I feel exactly the way he feels. 

For night after night, this song has been ringing in my head.

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I'm tired and I
I want to go to bed

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
And then leave me alone 

Don't try to wake me in the morning
'Cause I will be gone 

Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart 

I will feel so glad to go

It is in dreams that I hope to find solace in days like these.

Anyway, it came to me last night, a possible reason why I'm feeling this way. I know why I'm so tired and frustrated. 

It's because I've tried so hard to be someone I'm not. I am exactly who I wanted to be, but I am not myself. 

I've been trying to be someone I am not. I was not born this way.

I guess I need to accept that who I am is not who I want to be. There will be release when I can accept myself for the way I was made instead of trying so hard to be who I want to be. 

I shall say it here. I shall try to.

I've never said this aloud before, with this kind of weight behind it. But I think I need to get it out. You may laugh when I say it, or take it lightly, or find it absurd, but it is true and I know it but I have not been able to accept it of myself.

Or you might laugh because you've always known, but I was trying to hide the facts from myself.

Here goes:

Speaking in purely scientific and psychological terms...

I am an introvert.

That basically means that a little stimulation goes a long way with me. Thus I cannot take too much stimulation or my brain shuts down. I cannot survive at long parties. You'll see my quiet and anti-social after a while, but I'll try to hide it. I cannot be around people for long periods. I cannot talk to too many people in a day.

Scientists have discovered the difference between the brains of introverts and extroverts. I can't find you the youtube link and it's frustrating the life out of me.

Whatever the case. I have been a closet introvert.

It's freaking tiring trying to be an extrovert when you are not. I try not to be alone and emo, but I am drained when I don't have this kind of time alone. Okay I found a link on wiki to what one of my favorite psychologist said about this topic:

According to Carl Jung, introversion and extraversion refer to the direction of psychic energy. If a person’s psychic energy usually flows outwards then he or she is an extravert, while if the energy usually flows inwards, the person is an introvert.^[10] Extraverts feel an increase of perceived energy when interacting with a large group of people, but a decrease of energy when left alone. Conversely, introverts feel an increase of energy when alone, but a decrease of energy when surrounded by a large group of people.

There we go. Right on the mark.

The thing is... Our society values extraversion. Speaking up gets you points in school. Frankly, I love to shut up and shut off. Leave me alone in a room for 3 days and don't talk to me. Some people may die, but I'll live. In fact, I did it before in India, keeping myself in a room with little more than a candle, a piece of paper, and a pen for 3 days. I emerged with the most wonderful piece of fiction I had ever written.

Why is this even an issue? It seems something small, slightly surprising, but what difference has it made on my life? Everything. So many of my decisions that I made were based on the desire to be extroverted. I dare say, even back when I was with Sarah Smith, I wanted to be with her only as much as I wanted to be like her. 

My life needs to change.

I need to stop trying to be the way the world wants me to be, and start being the way God made me.

Biological introversion is not a bad thing. Being easily stimulated means I cannot take large groups for long, but it also means that I can notice small actions and body language very easily. That made me an effective counsellor, because I knew what a person was saying, as well as what the person was trying not to say- I was so sensitive I could tell the mood of a person on MSN by just looking at the length of time the person takes in typing a reply. I can't cope well with team sports, but I do some detailed fine art. Like really, will an extravert carve pencil lead sculptures? And I can't do street-e; it really kills me, but I love talking to my friends about God.

It's not going to be like, no I'm not going to talk to people any more. It's just that I'm going to give myself a break when I need it. I may not be as friendly as you, but I'll live with it. My strengths are in other areas.

Saying I'm an introvert is just saying "I'm not trying to be cool any more. I will be true."

But then again, I'm not your normal stereotyped introvert. I use my time alone to come up with things to show people. I've always been difficult to classify, and sometimes am the only exception. However, I'm closer to being an introvert than being an extrovert.

Oh come on, why do you think I blog so much?

PS: Here's the song.