Young Adults Weekend Away

This is going to be one of those posts that I am trying to put a strong emotion to words. It's not at all easy and sometimes not possible, so I need to be honest and unguarded in this post. Don't take what I say at face value but try to appreciate the idea I'm trying to share.


We went to Melaka with our young adult group over the weekend.

Highlights for me included shooting the wing of a fly and letting Yaoqi dig out a splinter/piece of dirt embedded in my bruised hand. It hurt a lot, to say the least.


On the second night, we all sat together in a close circle had a time of reflection and prayer. But something was not very right on my side.

I could not focus properly.


Maybe it was the fact that I'm not used to bearing my heart before God in the presence of so many. I cry out to him when others are not watching. I knew I wanted to talk to God, but I felt I was out of sync.

Or maybe it was the fact that I was sitting between beautiful girls. I don't discount that. It probably was the main reason.


So I got up in the middle of the prayer meeting, and left to sit on my own behind everyone else.


Then I felt guilty that I was away from the group and not showing solidarity and unity or encouraging people to bond and be in the fellowship.

I actually forgot why I left the circle in the first place.


But I cried out to God. My guilt and my desires were all distractions and both tore me apart in different directions. I did not know what I was doing, or if what I did was right, but I did it so I could worship God better, and all I wanted to do was worship him.


Then he gave me enough peace to remain sitting behind the rest and pray from there.

And as the rest prayed and sang, I began to write.



I wrote about the biggest mistake in my life.

How I did not know what I was doing back then, and how I had no idea what was the right choice when I had to make that decision.

And how I carry the guilt of the memory of my biggest mistake.


But...

Back then...

Though I did not know what I was doing, or if what I did was right, I did it so I could worship God better, and all I wanted to do was worship him.

It all fell apart later, but my heart was right with him when I made the decision.

I was reminded of that. I had forgotten that.


And for the first time in my life, I felt that in God's eyes...

When it came to what I felt was the biggest mistake in my life...

I didn't fail.


And as I wrote that last line down, I began to cry.