Long Day

As of today, I hate traveling.

I spent over 2 hours in the train and 2 hours in the bus and another hour waiting them both.

Traveling is not the problem, it's the stress that comes with it that gets to me.

Being around so many people I don't know makes me feel lonely.

Being pushed around makes me feel worst.

I was carrying 15kg today, mind you.

I was walking home from the bus stop as lightning flashed across the sky again and again and again. I prayed hard that it would not rain. Both my hands were full of electronic items and I had no way to hold an umbrella. My worn out shoes didn't help on the slippery floor, but God provided and I got home dry.

Today, was the first time in a long time that I went out with God alone.

It was an uncomfortable day, in all aspects of the word.

The traveling, the lack of familiarity in the places I went to or the people I came across.

Most of all, the things I was talking to God and myself about.

You might not have realised, but I've been very withdrawn for almost a year, living like a hermit, communicating through but facebook alone. I could confide in no one and confided in no one and... Yeah I lived a very solitary experience.

Learnt helplessness.

In India, 3 years ago, I felt so alone, but what could I do?

In the army, 2 years ago, I felt so alone, but what could I do?

Now I feel so alone, and though there's much I can do about it, the failures of the past hamper me from trying. I have learn to live with solitude.

Or have I?

I've not been doing well, and by my own diagnosis, I'd say I'm beginning to exhibit several antisocial behaviours, which could soon turn to full blown mental disorders.

Today was a reality check.

The main thing I need to come to terms with was that I needed to stop looking for someone who I can share my life with; my emotions, my fears, my joy and my pain. I needed to stop searching for a soulmate the way girls have to stop waiting for their prince charming to come.

In The Dark Knight, Rachel said to Bruce Wayne, "Don't make me your only hope for a normal life."

This sums it all up. I figured the source of my pain yesterday, and today God led me change my solution.

I lack friends.

I lack people I can talk to.

Sure I have many people to laugh with, while I search for one person's basket to put all my eggs into, but I had completely forgotten about the middle ground. I could share some eggs with my casual friends! 

Well, easier said than done though.

I had to grow up much faster than others- I was already counseling in secondary school. I skipped a step or two in my development.

Thus, I have a major problem I need to face- I don't know how to keep my friends close.

I've never been able to actually.

At least now I know what I need to work on next semester.

I wonder, have I resolved the Identity Crisis, or has it just descended to a new low?