"My wife is a monolithic concept in my life. It's been ruling my life. I'm going to fight it. I'm going to be weaned off it. I'm not going to grant it so much power over my life.
Why am I less concerned about what the items in a checklist of qualities in a wife are as compared to checklist items in that of a husband?"
I know why I wrote it. I just don't feel it as much now.
“Were not our hearts burning within us while he talked with us
on the road and opened the Scriptures to us?”
Luke 24:32b
Last week I was reeling from the impact of the sermon by Rev Moses Parmar.
I wrote about it last week, and it was at the back of my mind all week.
-:-
Sat down for lunch beside the tray return stand where Auntie Kim was working.
Shocked at our stupidity as students.
We packed the racks full of trays and plates, then started stacking them, and when they started falling over, left them on the tables beside the station. The whole place was a mess and Auntie Kim was working as hard and as fast she could. But how could she cope with cleaning the trays of the whole NUS arts canteen worth of students?
The irony was that the next tray return point a mere 15 meters away was perpetually empty, even though it was bigger than this one and had more than one cleaner.
When another tray fell from the rack, I went up to help pick up the cutlery and said I'll help bring it to the other station. Auntie Kim told me not to. "Let them fall," she said, "or no help will come."
I wished I could help, but she was right in stopping me.
What was the point? My effort is futile. Even if I manage to move enough trays for her to cope with the load today, what is going to happen tomorrow? This is no long term solution.
-:-
In sociology, there is a difference between social problems and sociological problems.
The social problem here is the mess in the canteen, or the inefficiency of the cleaners, or the stupidity of the students.
The sociological problem here is the structure and hierarchy that the system makes use of that exploits its workers that makes them do more work than they can and take the blame for failure.
The stress is giving Auntie Kim heart problems. She's going to resign.
If you really want to solve the problem, you need to tackle the root of it.
The structure itself needs to change.
-:-
This tiny example echoes the huge situation in India. We're talking about 350 million people oppressed far worst than this. If you cannot imagine how many people that is, it's the entire population of Singapore, with all its crowded trains and buses, multiplied 70 times over.
What hope is there?
What can one person like me do for so many?
Nothing.
But after hearing of the suffering of others, I cannot do nothing.
It's a sad paradox- I know I can't do anything that will make a difference, but I can't turn a blind eye to so many others suffering.
They need nothing short of a miracle.
Question is... do I believe in miracles?
Yes.
I cannot save the world, but I believe God can.
On Sunday I felt the call again, stronger than before, to go to India.
God is at work there, and I feel called to join the work.
This time, I have a general sense of where God wants me to be.
Let me use an object lesson to explain:
Take a look at the first minute, then you can fast forward to 2:15.
Incredible huh?
This is where I see myself, metaphorically of course.
The rainwater in the reservoir collected over the rainy season represents the developed world, including Singapore, with it's vast resources. The sea is the people suffering under oppression, like in India.
I'm the guy in the middle, digging a trench (like at the 1 minute mark).
It's a small trench only, but by the grace of God, it might help to change the whole environment.
-:-
In more specific terms, the best way for people to break out of poverty that we know of now is education- it's a long process but the next generation will not be as oppressed because they can stand up for themselves.
As with the tray collection point, I cannot be the one moving the trays, and here I cannot be the one representing them or the work will end when I stop. This is Batman's problem. He fights so hard, but after all those years, crime in Gotham is just as bad as (if not worst than) before.
So I shall be an advocate, an activist, and raise support for the people. Yes the locals are being educated and saved, and churches are being built, but they are so lacking in funds. And our money here goes a long way there. It almost does not make sense to buy a one room flat here when we can build a church there for the same amount, but I'm not saying there isn't a social structure to live by here too.
Maybe in God's sovereignty, I did not get into medicine or psychology. I'm now seeing the big picture with Sociology, and I'm sure God will use it. Along with my other talents he's given me like film making.
Well... it's going to be a tough life. But like Moses Parmar said, "I don't know what He is doing, but I've jumped onboard coz I knew it's better to be with God than against him."
And God himself says:
16 I will lead the blind by ways they have not known,
It will be a lonely life. But if this be God's will for my life, then let this be my portion- I am willing to forsake all others for Christ who saved me and gives me reason to live on. The world behind me, the cross before me; No turning back, no turning back.
21 The people remained at a distance, while Moses approached
It ended so aptly, in the way God spoke to me yesterday.
I'm done with being a man.
Since February I've been working on myself, reading this christian book and trying to be a better man- Treating women better, taking the lead in things, being more responsible at home... it's been difficult. But I think I've come to have done enough, and it's time to move on. I've learnt what I could from this book by Elizabeth Elliot, and I'm ready to move on.
I'm done with being a man.
Life is not just about being a man anyway. It's a part of life, but not all of it. My focus needs to be much more macro than that, so now...
Have you ever walked with clouds beneath your feet,
or run with water above your head?
Have you ever walked on unlit gravel roads in the dark,
seeing shadowy forms under the light of the full moon
that you cannot discern fleeing off the path as you approach?
Have you ever stood in the middle of nature,
realising you are the only human as far as you can see,
but keenly aware that you are not the only thing alive?
It is a sublime feeling.
You feel power, you feel fear. And in the mixing of the 2 you find beauty.
Thus is the awesome and terrifying nature of the God of creation.
By midweek, I realised I had problems getting to sleep.
I was in a state of semi-consciousness in class.
I could ask questions, but could not write anything down legibly.
Eczema started breaking out on my skin around my wrist.
I was locking my jaw without noticing, grinding my teeth down.
And I could not remember my dreams.
All signs of stress, and I think it is just because my phone is not working properly.
My weeks are packed to the brim, and I'm living life to the fullest.
But when my phone fails me, I cannot use Evernote.
When I cannot use Evernote, I waste my 1 and a half hour journey home.
I get home with that much less time to blog.
I only wrote one long post last week, but it got lost when the computer hung.
I slept later and later at home, and more and more in class.
Crash and burn I tell you.
Anyway, I took a good long weekend off.
I lay in bed from 10.30pm last night. Only managed to fall asleep at about 11 plus? But oh it was a good sleep. I dreamt of aliens and war and Yaoqi leading us to our death and glory.
"The wonders a good night's rest doth for the soul!"
So I'm refreshed for the week ahead.
Last week was one of the most important weeks in my life.
My life took a turn.
I shall attempt to write about last week this week, one day at a time.
I should never go into a shopping centre when happy.
I bought 20 yo-yo strings, Cheezels, a big roll of Oreo, Hello Panda white chocolate, Tom and Jerry BBQ potato chips, a pack of 8 snickers bars, and a tiny pair of scissors.
It's one of the most interesting classes I've ever been through.
I look forward to and enjoy Wednesdays so much.
How often do you see things like this in a lecture?
Guess my lecturer's name. Give up? It's John.
Today they returned us the scripts for our mid-term test.
Looking at the erased pencil marks, it looks like my marker wanted to give me 8.5/10 for my essay, but the final penned mark was 7/10.
When I read her comments though, I laughed out loud.
"Good work. Work a little on writing."
It really was very funny.
Much like the way I wrote.
Her comment on the first page asked:
"Why do you write in pass tense?"
All through my essay, she was correcting my English.
I spelt serve as surve.
Haha.
So tragic it's funny.
-:-
Sociology of Religion lecture immediately after, on what is offensive to religions.
We watched 3 clips from Monty Python's "Life of Brian".
I laughed out loud.
We had just watched the whole movie for Film and Religion class last week!
Then as the clip began, everyone else laughed out loud.
I had the last laugh of course. I'm presenting on this film on Friday for the Film and Religion module, but the teacher has not done the lecture on it yet. Today my Sociology of Religion lecture covered what I need to make the presentation!
-:-
In the evening I watched Martin Scorsese's the highly controversial 3 hour long "Last Temptation of Christ". It's still banned in Singapore.
I found it surprisingly less disturbing than Jesus Christ Superstar.
Given the fact that the content is not for younger people (there is nudity, sex and violence), I would not recommend it to any non-christian or young christian- simply because it does not portray the Jesus story with any accuracy. If your impressions of Christianity are shaped by this movie, then your idea of the religion is warped.
But I don't think it is all bad. In fact, some mature Christians in the audience found it rather reverent in it's portrayal of Christ and insightful in a few areas. Let me explain a little.
First- It is not intended to be accurate. The movie starts with a disclaimer saying it is not based on the gospels, but instead an interpretation of a work of fiction by a modern writer. And the movie clearly starts in the first scene with dialogue totally unrelated to the bible.
So from the start, the Jesus we see in the film is not the Jesus we are familiar with, and this allows us to draw a clear line. This is not Jesus Christ. This is the actor who plays the green goblin in spider-man, playing an alternate Jesus. The actors don't even bother to hide their accent, which makes it even further from the Jesus we believe in and thus less disturbing. (People are most offended when you take a sacred symbol and treat it as profane, much like what happened with the Danish cartoon... So knowing that the movie is not even trying to make use of a symbol, we find it less offensive.)
We thus begin to feel for this character of Jesus differently. Unlike Jesus Christ Superstar that takes parts of the bible and adds music and stuff which scares me (sacred becoming profane), The Last Temptation of Christ uses more original material which I do not directly link to what I know (profane is still profane). It's like a self-contained narrative in an alternate world- so while watching, I really did not know if this version of Jesus would save mankind. Which made it exciting.
2nd, it is such an interesting interpretation of Jesus humanity! The bible focuses on much of what Jesus did, but not on what Jesus felt. This movie looks into that. Did Jesus know he was God all along, or was it revealed by God step by step? The answer is not crucial to the Christian faith, for we believe in the man for what he did for us, not what he felt for himself. So this is just a dramatization of his humanity, with all his struggles and pain.
One image struck me more than anything. Elsa, my Christian friend I made during this module also remembered this scene vividly: Jesus starts the movie as a carpenter working at home with a heavy heart. He knows not that he is the son of God in the movie at the beginning, but he is absolutely obedient to God. It's the time of the Roman occupation. He feels guilty about his trade. Why? Well... What do you think the Romans would want a humble carpenter to make for them?
That's right. Crosses for crucifixion.
He begins the movie leaning painfully on a cross he just made (emotional, not physical pain), measuring the arm span to see if it was just right to hang a person on. He feels the guilt of being a part of his own Jewish people's torture and death. But somehow he feels he needs to carry on. As hough God is telling him that there is a purpose behind all this, though he cannot see it yet.
Tragic irony to the max.
Not the Jesus I'm familiar with, but thought provoking none the less.
Still, dad prescribes a good read of the gospels now for me to make sure I'm not confused or unclear about what really is in them.
Last night I wrote this poem, because I needed to.
Mom and dad were gone for 2 weeks. Mom and dad will be gone for 2 years.
I now stand at the end of boyhood.
It is not a road I want to run off, but has run out from under my feet.
The past 2 weeks I've tried being the head of a house.
I could barely cope.
Soon I will have a sister to care for too.
I tremble. I really do.
Manhood is before me.
It's frightening.
I lay on my bed and held back tears.
I must be strong.
I must carry on.
Then came today. A speaker from India came to our church named Moses Parmar. He spoke of the work in India, trying to help those who society chooses not to help. The untouchables, the low castes. He spoke of the hardship and persecution.
Then he spoke of this missionary B who one day gave him a call. B was trembling with fear, knowing that that very day people were coming to attack the church he had planted, which his house was next to. After nightfall B called again to say an angry mob of about 200 had gathered outside the church and were breaking windows and smashing down the church walls next door. Moses asked if the family is okay. He said his 2 kids were crying in his lap and his wife was by his side, struggling to breathe under the immense fear. He asked Moses to pray for them.
Moses said he had no idea what to pray. B had been sent like a sheep to a pack of wolves. Quite literally this was the situation. Moses prayed for them in their desperation- it was such a hopeless situation. Moses said it was a prayer without faith. Such were the times. So real was the danger.
Habakkuk 1
1 The prophecy that Habakkuk the prophet received.
Habakkuk’s Complaint
2 How long, LORD, must I call for help,
but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!”
but you do not save? 3 Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?
Destruction and violence are before me;
there is strife, and conflict abounds. 4 Therefore the law is paralyzed,
and justice never prevails.
The wicked hem in the righteous,
so that justice is perverted.
And then Moses spoke of the oppression of the lower castes. How no one hears of them though they form such huge numbers. Living in absolute poverty, they had no one to speak up for them, and no way out of their pathetic state generation after generation. We've heard of the Dalits, the 250 million untouchables in the nation of India. Now we're hearing of the Shepherds, who are placed only slightly above the Dalits in the caste system, numbering some 150 million people trapped in repeating poverty.
The church is there. God is moving. But how lacking the Indian church is! Who can handle hundreds of millions of people? Who can save them? Nothing. It is impossible. There only hope is if God does exist. And Christians believe so, and they believe that God cares for the lost and lowly, thus they are reaching out to them.
Churches are springing up. 3000 churches. 1000 pastors. How can this need ever be met?
I do not know. But I do know God is moving. It's exactly what Luke 7:22 says of the time Jesus walked the earth, "The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy are cleansed, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is proclaimed to the poor."
Moses Parmar ended saying, "I don't know what He's doing, but I've jumped onboard coz I know it's better to be with God than against him."
I did not hold back my tears this time. This was it.
All my heart goes out to India, time and time again, but I tend to forget, living in the sheltered Singapore. I forget the bigger things in life. 350 million people. People.
I asked Moses about this B missionary. Who was he. His name sounded familiar. That was because he was working in the slums in Kolkata in 2007. That was when I was there. That was when his son was as hyper as Jadon is now. That was when I first carried his infant daughter.
They were the most hospitable family I have ever come across. I love them. And to suddenly hear what they went through welled up so much emotions within me. Yes, they were safe- the mob only destroyed the church and left their house standing... But still... Oh my dear friend B...
I thought being a man was going to be tough yesterday.
I hardly ever imagined this would be so impossible.
John 6:67-69
67 “You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve. 68 Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. 69 We have come to believe and to know that you are the Holy One of God.”
I believe in you God. I believe in your work. I believe that your servants such as B and his house do not serve or suffer in vain because you are at work through them.
I entered the train today on my way to the marina barrage. I was carrying 10 kites.
The train carriage was empty, except for one older man sitting at the last seat.
I went up to him to ask for his seat.
Seriously. In the entire train, there was only one spot I could lean my giant kite on, which was on the last seat in the train, and he was sitting there.
2.
Marina Barrage, and the kites flew wonderfully. Too wonderfully.
When a kite flies too high and the winds change, oh dear.
The kite I was helping to fly got entangles with 4 kites.
I pulled one of the other kites down and tried to remedy the knot.
Meanwhile the kite I was using that was still in the air got entangled with another 3 kites.
These 3 were bigger kites, like mine, and one of which was doing loops around the knot and spiraling down towards a group sitting obliviously on the grass.
I ran forward and with my bare hands grabbed the kite string of all 4 kites.
Mind you, when it comes to big kites, people use big reels so they will not need to touch the string and cut their fingers with the high tension produced. I was not pulling at not one, not 2, but 4 kites between my fingers, desperately trying to maneuver them apart and away from this group. I felt like spider-man almost getting torn apart as he tried to stop a train with webs coming out of his hands hands.
Then I saw that one girl in the group was a very pretty friend from my film and religion tutorial. I called her name and she looked back to see me in a strange position.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Saving your life." I replied and signaled her to look at the kite spiraling directly over her head.
3.
I went to Cathay after that with my gigantic kite.
I felt weird carrying something as big as Cloud's Buster Sword from Final Fantasy VII.
Then as I entered the building I realised there was some cosplay event happening and people were dressed up as anime characters.
I felt totally at home and even carried my kite sword a little more prominently.
It stars the unfathomably hot Aishwarya Rai and Indian superstar Rajinikanth who plays an android that looks like a cross between Steven Segal and an Indian Elvis impersonator.
It will change your life forever.
(It’s also dubbed in Russian, which only adds to the hilarity.)
We were asked to draw what we think the social class hierarchy looks like in our country.
Most people had diagrams like this one.
But that leaves us of course in a difficult position when it comes to definitions. What are the indicators of an upper or lower middle class? How can you tell? It's like drawing a line in the sand.
I went up to the board and drew society as I see it:
This one is easy to understand and simple to classify people.
Just ask them how much they earn and whether they are happy lor.
Oh and poor people are outclassed and not part of the society.
"There are no homeless, destitute or starving people [in Singapore]…Poverty has been eradicated."
Kishore Mahbubani, Singapore's permanent representative to the UN
People in my class get jaded realising how difficult it is to climb the social ladder.
But in my view of society, what is important is not how high we are, coz only so few can be on top, but how happy and satisfied we are with our lives.
We watched "Jesus Christ Superstar" today for the module.
I am so glad it was not allowed to come into Singapore on stage.
It's terrible.
Okay here's a scene that to me is the most palatable. Everything else is just over the top for me and I felt quite uncomfortable.
"Always hoped that I'd be an apostle
Knew that I would make it if I tried
Then when we retire we can write the Gospels
So they'll still talk about us when we've died"
I LOLed at this line.
Then I squirmed all the way to the end.
(You don't need to watch beyond 1:14 if you feel uncomfortable, like me.)
I was talking to the canteen cleaner auntie in school some time back.
It was late and she asked me how I was going home.
In my broken Chinese I tried to reply...
Me: My mom and dad are coming to pick me.
Auntie: So late?
Me: Yes. My mom works in church.
Auntie: Orh. She's a cleaner ah?
I was taken aback for a moment.
My mom is a church elder okay!
But when I tried to explain what my mom actually does in church... hmmm...
She comes early to set up and stays on late to clean up.
Which, technically, means she does the exact same job as a cleaner.
Ai yo these Christians ah... why got this kind of servant leader thing.
Make things so difficult to explain to the outside world!
ˆ-ˆ
Last night, Rachel asked me when dad and mom were coming back.
I had no idea.
You know what... I'm not even sure when they left...
Or why...
Hehe kidding about the last one, but I really am not sure when they are returning.
Mom and Dad, if you can hear me, please come home. It's tough running the home without you guys. I am going nuts. You know I actually started liking a girl in school? I think it's because she reminds me of you mom. Please come back and give me a slap or two and ask me to wake up my idea.
-_-
Today Hong Ling caught me buying rings at the school bazaar for a girl.
I had lunch with her and Melanie. Good times.
I told Melanie about the girl I wanted to introduce to my parents. (Don't worry mom and dad, Melanie gave me a slap already.)
I know I'm not functioning properly, so at times like this I need to trust my friends. They shall tell me what I need to hear, though I do not want to hear it, and save me from cognitive dissonance. It's kinda like how Superman gave Batman a Kryptonite ring to keep the man of steel in check should something happen to him that makes him lose his senses. Batman did use it once in a fistfight with Superman, and Superman was ultimately thankful. He was mind controlled or something.
Okay. This is not about rationalizing things. If not, there is no reason why I should not pursue a girl I'm interested in. This is just about... sticking to my guns. I am avoiding anything with girls for the sake of avoiding anything with girls. Enough of all the chasing. I need to live my life without them as a reference point.
I've loved Libya since I first saw their flag years ago.
It's the most unique flag of all.
No sign or emblem, no lines or shapes.
Just plain green.
Anyway, people don't seem to like the ruler now.
They are targeting him online for all his strangeness. Everything from his all female virgin bodyguard, how his diplomatic travels require countries to give him space to pitch his tent to live in, along with his calls for the UN to abolish Switzerland.
Yeah. Strange dude.
Alright but before we are too quick to judge others, let's look at ourselves first okay?
I want something that requires less time or effort, and has big returns, so I can have time for other things. I know I sound like i want the easy way out, but it's a part time job anyway. I can choose what I want. And if it's not making much, I have better things to do and people to meet with my time.
I've considered everything. I want to hone my talents and skills.
For example, I'm good with my hands. I can make balloon sculptures. I like to make people smile too. Friends and family have said I could make a great party clown. I am seriously considering this. It pays very well- per hour. Heh.
Or I could invest my time in studying a lot about a certain field. Sure I can be well versed in the names of Pokemon, but to sell toys like that will be to earn peanuts. Why not spend my cognitive energy learning all about something that cost more, like jewelry or watches, and use my auntie killer tactics to sell the stuff to rich and wealthy older women? If I earn by commission, I could make a decent living!
Or I could sell gifts. I know where to buy all the weirdest, cheapest, coolest and expensive looking things you might want to give people. But I fear very much going into business. Handling money. I can't count... gah.
I could sell my art... but who would... wait... this might work. Oh but I must charge a lot or it would not be worth anything. Eh wait... Okay I need to hone my skill to the max. I must make art in a form few others can and sell it for a bomb.
Gah.
Money.
Meh. What do you think I could do as a part time job?
Up ahead was a big and well built man with a tattooed arm, holding a wooden stick and standing beside the open front door of a car. He looked like he was threatening the person inside, but I was not sure.
I continued walking (though slower now) in the direction I intended, which was towards him and the car.
This guy was big. Way heavier than me, and definitely stronger- His arms were thick.
I stopped for a moment to flip my shoe straps backwards, so my slip-ons would not slip off so easily.
I continued towards him as he stared into the car.
His face changed to a smile as I walked past and I saw that the people in the car were laughing at his antics. I had judged wrongly, but that was still a relief.
Walking on I thought about what had just happened. I was actually quite surprised by what I had done. Here before me was a huge guy, and I had sized him up and prepared myself for a confrontation- My shoes were now stuck on tight, ready for either fight or flight.
Would I really have approached him if he was threatening someone? Would I have really challenged this huge guy?
I don't know.
But one thing I knew. I was not just about to walk away.
My courage surprised me. I often talk as though I'm awesome, but I rarely do anything brave in real life. I didn't expect myself to react like this today. Wow.
I'm doing a big group project on comic book superheroines for Gender Studies, and I should be denouncing the way the female form is presented.
Ahhh but I really like this cover leh.
For one, I'm a fan of Batman ever since I fought for him 5 years ago.
JC debates- This house believes Batman is more of a superhero than Superman.
We won. Batman ruled.
I bought Batman comics with the prize money.
Secondly, she's portrayed unlike all other comic super-heroines.
Our gender studies group that met up today noticed something different about Batgirl's image when compared to all the other heroines we were studying.
For most female heroes, their slim, sexy and voluptuous bodies are emphasized, in costumes that are revealing and totally impractical in real life. Take for example the Jean Grey in X-Men comics vs. the Jean Grey in the X-Men movies.
Notice any differences?
But this cover of Batgirl doesn't subscribe to these negative ideas. Her costume's in dark realistic colours, and most importantly the focus of the picture is not on her body but her face and her blue eyes.
For once, the artist makes the focus who the girl is, not how she looks.
(If the picture focuses attention on the face, it's so your attention will be on the identity and character of the girl. If it focuses on the body and not the face, then she's just there as an object of sexual appeal.)
Here are some examples of the usual covers I'm talking about.
I don't think her face is the focus here.
The "X" marks the spot just in case you got distracted.
Okay good. I've reasoned why I am drawn to this image though most comic books are bad representations of women's bodies- coz this one is different. Now on to why I like this image more than just for its artistic value but for the symbolism it holds.
I'm a sucker for a kick-ass warrior princess- especially one without super powers. She's so mortal, so vulnerable, so weak, yet so willing to risk everything just for a chance to fight for all she believes in.
I empathize more with such characters you know?
I look up to the likes of male heroes like Batman, but these heroes are so distant from me. I am not your usual strong-built and tough masculine guy. For me to follow after Batman is to aspire for impossibility- it's very depressing.
I can never be anything like this.
But I don't want to give up just like that. This is why I've been drawn to warrior women. I might have long mistaken it for the kind of girl I like.
No, now I'm sure it's not the case.
She is weak, but works and trains to be strong.
She is scared, but she finds her courage to face her fears.
She is not the prime candidate for heroics, but she still became a hero.
She is a girl, but she manages to hold her own in a very masculine environment.
I don't want her. I want to be her.
Comic books draw men and women so differently there seems to be no middle ground between sexy feminine beauty and strong masculinity. But I cannot identify with the hyper-masculine male heroes. So I am drawn to the female heroes who represent a greater balance in soft and hard power.
The real world of course is a different story. But as far as the comic world is concerned, Batgirl is my hero, whom I emphasize best with and want to be like.
I am weak. Yet I try to defeat monsters bigger than me.
Yesterday I watched A Serious Man for my film and religion module.
It was quite a movie.
I thought it was well made and depressing.
Which means the film-makers wanted it to be depressing, and made it so effectively.
A Serious Man in a modern take on Job in the Bible, who loses everything.
I finally know which movie this picture comes from.
I was thinking about the movie.
So the Job character loses everything he holds dear, one at a time.
All he's left with are his moral beliefs.
But why should he be faithful to his unfaithful wife, especially when his sexy neighbour likes to sunbathe naked in her lawn that his house overlooks? Why should he not take the money that a Korean student leaves behind in his office as a bribe after asking him to change his failing grade so as to not lose his scholarship, especially now that he's running short of cash?
Why does he still try so hard to remain and be... a "serious man"?
Why should I?
I struggled with this last night.
But I eventually came to it that well, it's really not about reasoning. Morals are not something you can explain. It's coming down to faith. Do I believe in God? And if I do, do I love God enough to follow his rules for my life in sickness and in health?
My answer was yes.
In theory at least.
This morning I woke up to an sms from this really pretty girl in class who was so nice that she helped me print and submit my assignment that I did not have the time to hand in. She asked me if I was going to today's lecture on film and religion. I was. She told me she had to rush an assignment and asked if I could help her mark her attendance.
I was going to reply immediately "sure!"
But then I hesitated.
Wait, wasn't this... lying?
Nah, it's just returning a favor. And everyone does that, and it's no big deal anyway, and the lecturer doesn't ever mark attendance anyway.
But it's still... lying.
I was stuck. On one hand I wanted to be right. But on the other hand I wanted to not be an idiot. This girl had helped me so much and I had the nerve to turn her small request down? What was I going to tell her my reason was? My love for God is something I take seriously, but it looks to others like folly.
The words I posted on my blog just yesterday came back to haunt me.
"I'm impressed by you. How you can be so in your face, so yourself, so fearless. Not caring what people think of you, absolutely comfortable with who you are.
I wish I could do that too. I've always wished I could.
But I wished I could be so fearless in being not myself, but in being who I want to be.
Oh Lord, why do I falter in my steps following after you."
If I was looking for a chance to be "In your face" for God, this was it.
Do I love God enough to lose a friend and look like an idiot in front of a girl I wanted to please on His account?
With encouragement from the likes of Kimberly, I picked up the phone, and replied her...
Ai yo why you make me face this kind of moral crisis when I'm trying to be a... a... (for lack of a better expression) "a serious man"?...
In the train I was doing my QT after all was said and done. It spoke of moral uprightness, and I was very moved. I guess this summed it all up.
"Here I stand. I can do no other."
-Luther
As I think about everything that happened before and after the incident, I am so thankful that God intervened.
I don't know if it's the void that's expanding, or something else fading.
I don't want to be emo, I don't want to cry for help.
I'm okay.
I'm just a little lost.
-:-
I put up my first play on Thursday.
I did my second play on Friday.
I went out to play and pray on Saturday.
I was offered a possible film project on Sunday.
I went to watch my film played in the city on Monday.
I'm doing my first local sermon this weekend. Pray.
-:-
I'm impressed by you. How you can be so in your face, so yourself, so fearless. Not caring what people think of you, absolutely comfortable with who you are.
I wish I could do that too. I've always wished I could.
But I wished I could be so fearless in being not myself, but in being who I want to be.
Oh Lord, why do I falter in my steps following after you.
So I took Dino the dinosaur for a walk on Saturday.
At Hwa Par Villa.
It's actually quite a nice place.
Full of strange juxtapositions.
Yeah.
And though my dinosaur is of Jurassic proportions...
It still looked small in the hands of the animals here.
To be honest I felt weird carrying the balloon dinosaur around alone.
Yes it was it's final few days on earth, and I owe dinosaurs my existence...
But I still felt a little stupid.
And I asked myself why I was doing this.
Yes it's random, but every single passer by made me feel stupid.
So I stopped dragging Dino around and sat down somewhere to read the Bible.
And as I calmed down, I noticed people walking past.
They were smiling when they saw Dino.
Some even came up to ask me where I got it from.
I then began smiling back.
Only then did I remember why I was doing this random act.
If I was awkward, people would not dare to laugh.
But if I smiled when they look at me, they would too!
And that's what I did for the rest of the day, walking around Hwa Par Villa.
Eventually I was at Kent Ridge Park to watch the sunset.
I sat down at the benches with the fantastic view of the harbor and watched the sun slowly set, while catching spiders and meeting some weird insects- like one that I thought was a leaf which had landed on my foot.
It was so beautiful and jumped so far I could not find it once it jumped onto the grass patch.
But here's what I loved most about the day.
Everyone who walked past, young and old, stopped for Dino.
Older folks asked me about it, young kids came to pat it, dogs came curiously towards it, and parents took pictures of their children with it. Laughter abounded in the evening at Kent Ridge Park to the backdrop of a glorious sunset.
Later on I drove down to Funan the IT Mall, crossing the ERP Gantry 5 minutes before it was disabled (RAH!!!) and walked Dino from Parliament house to the second story of Funan. At one point I was about to cross the road when I saw 4 Malay boys in black outfits. Upon seeing my balloon, they smiled, one commenting that he thought it was a dog and wanted to run. I replied humorously to them and we had a good laugh.
And then I had my first KFC meal in a long time... I had stopped eating fried food since the production reached the final stages and my voice needed conservation.
BTW, the tank display at the top of Kent Ridge Park seems to have been stolen.
