Seek and You Shall Find

After searching every single DVD shop I came across, I finally found what I was looking for in Punggol Plaza. Greenridge was the name of the store. Er... Never heard of it before either.

If you can't find something anywhere else, try Punggol.

Can finally send Ming Choi her surprise present! Once the order arrives that is... Gah.

Since the 6th of this Month...

I have not been to the city.

I have not run.

I have not seen a sunrise.

I have not read any books.

I have not been open with anyone.

I have not been alone long enough to really pray.

I have not been happy.

So it seems that man cannot live on hugs alone.

Community Project Fund-Raising

We earned many many moneys from generous church members who supported our community outreach in Macpherson. Here are 2 behind the scenes shots.

All items to be sold at the fun fare underwent stringent testing to ensure they were fun.

Math: Pass.

Marketing: Fail.

I am tired

Physically, I have enough sleep.

Emotionally, I have enough friends and family and love.

But I have not had any time alone this holidays.

More specifically, I have not had any time to just talk to God.

And so I'm not entirely myself lately.

Go away

leave me alone

with God.

Gifts

I got to hug and say "I love you" to quite a few people today. Yay.

Was so happy with the gift from Becky, who gave me 3 gifts actually. I could not believe it when I opened it at home. There was only one thing I really wanted this christmas, and she gave it, to the exact colour. I wanted to hug her, but she was not in my house. I wanted to sms her, but she was out of the country.

One card had a nice quote. I must say this is my quote of the year.

Perhaps the sheer joy in the sound of your laughter is enough to make 1 000 000 emo kids smile (:

Oh Andrea, thank you.

Kota Tinggi

Returning from a trip to Malaysia. The fun filled few days can be summed up in 4 lines.

One crab can eat so many people?

-Desiree Boey

What you eat when young... Shapes you.

-Kimberly Tan

You are funny in a weird way.

-Samuel Soon

And last but not least, the one line to rule them all, the one line that could start a thousand essays, debates and wars...

Law is law.

-Chris Chua

(I do wonder if any of this is funny to people who did not go for the trip.)

Dreaming Drowning Screaming

The night after camp I dreamt I was in a swimming pool.

I was the only one at the deep end who realised someone was drowning.

I dived down to save him, but as hard as I tried, I did not have the strength to pull him up and the more I tried the more we sank.

I let him go and surfaced. I called for help. One guy and girl responded by running to the float attached to the rope and throwing it to me. I dived down again and put the float round the drowning guy and he was swung up to safety.

The night before camp I dreamt I was on the second floor of the school we were about to have camp at. There was a gap in the floor that I could jump over with some effort, but if I didn't make the distance I'd fall to the first.

Before I knew it, Rebecca jumped the gap. I was shocked as she rushed towards the gap and leapt but I remembered she had made the jump before so it should be okay. But to my horror she fell short of the other side and fell into the gap. And before I could react Annabel also made the leap and also fell short of the gap.

The absence of a scream were the only hope I had as I ran to the parapet to look down and check on the 2. Falling a single story would not be enough to seriously injure them, so the lack of a scream meant they were not injured or in pain. And indeed they were not, less for maybe a sprained ankle.

Camp

I'll keep this post simple. The past 4 amazing days were summed up in 3 expressions.

1. The final major activity in the camp was a game called da jie xiao xiang (Big Street Small Alley). When the KPC leaders asked the Toong Chai leaders why this simple game was given such priority they answered,

"Because Xi Dong really likes to play this game. He lives to play this game."

2. The expression on Li Sen's face when I unslung the bass guitar at the end of the song Welcome to the Black Parade and raised it up to smash it. He literally jumped out of his chair and shouted,

"No! NO! NOOOO!!!!!"

3. The look on Wan Jun's face when we were in the bus that got lost and Dominic cracked a lame joke ("Who do you call when you mi lu? Mi Lu Bing!").

She looked like she had lost all meaning in life just hearing that joke.

Ah yes, it was a gooood camp.

Silence Falls

There is so much that happened today that remains unsaid.

So many people misread me today, in so many different ways. I don't understand it, why were people asking if I was okay, or if I was crying, or what not when I was just absolutely neutral.

Then again, there were moments I was thinking stuff but people didn't notice any change.

Ah. Now this post sounds emo, unintentionally. Self fulfilling prophecy.

There is so much to post about. And I will not be blogging for a few days to come. But I'll just stop here and and exit without a bang.

Youth camp begins tomorrow morning. Time to get on my knees.

Happily Ever After

Ashley and Jeff's wedding.

I started to melt when I saw the bride enter the sanctuary. The dress was so plain, so white, and so, so nice.

I was a puddle on the floor when they exchanged vows and rings. I grabbed my sisters arms and knee in my attempt to curb my nua-ness.

Awww.

Okay enough about me. Ashley threw the bouquet to our church girls. As they clamored (dodged) for the right to get married next, one emerged the winner.

Unfortunately it was the 6 year old page boy Sean who caught it.

I know our church girls don't want to get married yet, but yeah... This is going to be a long and lonely next half of our lives waiting for Sean to grow up before anyone else gets married. Guys, time to change church.

His mom posted that night on FB:

Valerie Theng 's Sean caught the wedding bouquet and is mighty upset he can't make good on it for another 20 years. He thinks it is very unfair that KoKo Justin can get married and he can't

Yesterday at 18:08 · Comment ·

Heh, thanks to you dude none of us can get married and we'll all have to suffer with you.

But wait, there still is hope for the rest of us! The youth camp I'm about to attend this wednesday has girls from the other church we're working with coming!

Time to get my eyebrows done.

7 Days to 7 Years

My uncle's name is Lawrence.

In 7 days time, he would have spent 7 years without walking.

19 December 1996

My uncle accepted Jesus as his saviour. He gave the many Chinese idols he had at home to the temple. After which, he had nightmares that were demonic and oppressive in nature for a while.

19 December 2002

He had flown to Kazakhstan to be a missionary. He slipped on ice and hit his back. He had to be air-lifted home and needed surgery. He lost the mobility of most of his body.

19 December 2009

In 7 days time uncle Lawrence will have been bed-ridden for 7 years. After numerous treatments and therapy, he can only move his hands and legs slightly.

Yet in 7 days time, he would be giving his testimony in church. After all that he had been through, he could still smile and sing of God's faithfulness.

He prayed for Marianne and I.

Dad got down on his knees, and washed uncle Lawrence's feet.

I could not hold back my tears.

Winds of Change

The wind these 2 days have been so refreshing. We've had storms, we've had sun, but it's been a while since we had cool breeze like now.

When it hits me, I stop, stand, close my eyes, and smile.

It was quite cool when my family walked out of the lift today and all of us enjoyed the wind for a moment. Dad wanted to sleep at the corridor where the breeze was so nice. Mom fell over laughing when I imagined the neighbours finding him outside the door. "Some fight you must have had to have to sleep outside eh?"

I like my family. Yeah.

But well... yeah.

This is going to be the last month we stay all together in a long time. If I get into hostel I'm gone till May. And then I want to head for India for a month. By then, Marianne would have flown off to South Africa for her own take at missions, just as I had done at her age. So we all go our separate ways.

Come to think of it... It's like army again- staying away from home, seeing them just 2 days a week. It's been 10 months since army ended. Hmmm... when I look at the future there's a little sadness at the parting. But I'm glad for these 10 months. I've probably never been so close to my sister before.

I love her.

I guess I'll never realize what I have till I remember what I didn't.

PS: It's 1am. As I'm typing this she's playing some emo music on the piano. The song goes- "When God made you, he must have been thinking about me."

Davis

A person's identity is always a work in progress.

Divine Irony

So Carl Sagan was an atheist. Haha.

God FTW.

(If you're blur refer to one of my previous post here.)

GMH is the new FML

There's this website that is the complete opposite of FML. I will warn you though, once you click on the link, you'll probably spend a lot of time at this site.

www.givesmehope.com

MingChoi, thanks for this link you placed on your blog. Your link GMH and I hope it will give others hope too. And though I haven't contacted you in half a year, I'm going to do something special for you this Christmas.

Quote of the Week

Granted these people are egotists, or atheists, or agnostics, or emancipated, or whatnot, still I can't understand why he does this or she does that.

-Clement Scott, 1891

(Don't worry, I don't know what half the words mean either, but I kinda get the idea.)

If a face could launch a thousand ships...

Can you get millions of channel views and almost a hundred thousand subscribers on youtube by doing nothing? Well, this girl could.

How many people do you think watched this video?

If you guessed 4,493,844, you are absolutely correct! At least that was the figure when I watched it.

What about this one?

Just so you know, she got 5,281,933 views for this.

MRirian has 81 videos, all just like these 2, and each grossing 6 digit number of views.

Seriously, all the film making skills in the world can never triumph over the pretty face of a mysterious girl.

Marathon Entry

"Okay guys, ready? Go! Only 42,000 steps to the finishing line!"

And then some.

I don't want to bore you with this Marathon of a post. So I won't tell you about finding Guan Zhong at the starting line, about dad peeing in the city, about running next to a woman who looks so much like Yinhong, about bringing only enough power gel to last half the race and realizing that they did not give more than one packet at the mid point, about getting overtaken by the church uncle twice my age, about looking for Clarisse at every turning point in vain, about finding Suan Tze instead, about the knot in my pants that poked into my skin affecting my urinary tract and thus I cannot have babies any more, and about falling and finishing far far behind dad.

So don't worry. I won't tell you about those things. Not a word.

What I will tell you is...

I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran...

I ran when people ran, I ran when people walked.

I ran when I was smiling, I ran when I was in pain.

...and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran...

I stopped running at water stations, coz I'm clumsy.

Then I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran...

I ran when my legs were cramming, I ran when my knees hurt bad.

I ran when others were cramming, I ran when others stopped.

...and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran and I ran...

Then a casket passed, playing Namoamitafa.

And I started walking.

That was some serious warning.

(My original funny blogpost idea would have ended here. But some emo stuff happened towards the end of the race. So continuing...)

And then I ran some more.

28km. This was as far as I had trained, and the raw pain began to seep in. In my trainings I had increased the distance by 4km each week, and the additional 4km was always unbearable. I had trained up till almost 28km before this, so the marathon thus far was survivable. But now the body began to fail, and to make matters worst, I had just finished my very last power gel. I had carried 3, and had expected to replenish my supply at the halfway point, but they only allowed us to take one. That was bad news.

So physically I was pushing the limits now, having passed my comfortable distance and exhausting my electrolyte supply, but that was not the only thing I had to contend with.

Mentally I was struggling with the distance left. 14km is a long distance, even more so after your body has been worn out by 28. We were on the long straight stretch of east coast with no sign of ending and I was running alone. I was running, but everyone seemed to be overtaking me, even the ones I did not expect. I joined this marathon to say I've done something few others could. But 15,000 people ran with me today. And so I wondered, what in the world was I running for?

The answer didn't come for another 10 kilometers, during which some kind soul standing by the road gave me a power gel pack and I downed a banana to keep me going. When uncle Yak Jin overtook me, I realised I was running so slowly that a man twice my age could catch up. Yes I was fearful of the big 30km mark that everyone warned against, when the body starts to cram up and many people begin to walk, but the fear of it was stopping me from even pushing at all. I was already at the 30, and my body was not acting up the way the others were. So what was I waiting for? I began to pick up slightly.

Now I tried to pace people, and there was this girl who's name on her tag was Stephanie who was always overtaking me, which means we were averaging the same speed. I tried to follow her pace but I could not keep up. Sigh.

All this while, I was still running, but I had not found a reason to push it. "Just go with the motion, do the right thing," I thought. And so I ran and I ran and I ran. Painfully, and meaninglessly.

After an aimless 38 freaking kilometers, I had set myself to run the final 4km well, but still didn't have a good reason to. I found my purpose when I was overtaken by a girl at the water point. From the back I saw she was wearing a black bandanna on her head, with her right hand holding one end of a towel (the other end was held by a guy), and the back of her shirt said, "Close your eyes, Dream big, Race for it!" And then I noticed that the bandanna was covering her eyes. She was running blindfolded, and he was guiding her.

I kept up with the 2 and saw her name was Karen. So I cheered her on and kept pace with them. They were indeed running for a cause- to raise funds for the Kiwanis Down Syndrome Foundation in Malaysia. And well, I found my purpose through helping someone else (who was helping someone else).

I ran ahead of them, I cleared the way for them, I took drinks for them. He lead her on the right, I cleared the way on her left. And we powered through the crowd.

The final 4 km was where more than half of the people were walking, as cramps and pain tore through their muscles. But we ran on, faster than I had run this whole race. The route marker signs came up to meet us so quickly. 39km... 40km.. 41km... No one was overtaking us. We ploughed through.

42km marker. Home stretch. Waved to Jon Ma faithfully waiting with the camera.

See... I'm telling the truth okay. And so the 3 of us came in together. Happily ever after. The end.

Post race...

Up to this point neither Karen or the dude guiding her knew my name (yes, yes, I didn't know his either). I was just a voice in the dark she was following. As she reached for her blindfold I felt a hint of anticipation. This would be the first time we'd see each other's faces, though we'd heard each other's voices for the past very interesting 4km. Then she lifted the bandanna and light flooded her eyes, temporarily blinding her.

I'll stop here for now. Just in case she reads my blog and freaks out. (Seriously now, in this day and age, getting hold of a person's name is getting hold of a whole lot of information on the internet. So I'm careful.) I'll let you know as the story unfolds. Yeah right.

I came across Stephanie later on. She was the small girl I could not catch up with so I called her by name and said she ran well. She was perplexed at not recognizing someone who knew her name, so I explained how she left me eating her dust.

"How old are you?" she asked.

"I'm 21," I replied.

"I'm only 18," and she sniggered, "train harder."

Thanks dear. Hahaha.

PS: I can't believe it. I crossed the finish in 5 hours 33 minutes. If I were to minus the first few minutes of waiting to get to the start line, the previous post would be spot on! FTW!

42km in 5hours 30minutes

That's the time to finish, hopefully.

That's the time to starting, definitely.

To Guan Zhong, Edwin, Owen, Clarisse, Zhi Kai, Dad and all the other suicidal people running with me, all the best.

To the rest going to church, don't drive. I'm running on the road.

To all those who survive if I don't- I love you. I really do.

I'm a little scared, but I'll live like I am dying.

Because I am.

Twitter Application Fail

To the right are the Tweets of username: undefined , not mine.

Big Scientific Concept Explained in Simple English

This dude is awesome. No one has ever come close to explaining to me what the 4th dimension is the way he did.

So building on what Carl said about the shadow of a 3 dimensional object being 2 dimensional (or flat), a shadow of a 4th dimensional object would basically be a 3 dimensional object that does not behave like one.

I wonder if you feel the way I feel watching this. I wonder what Carl Sagan's religious background is. If he's Christian, it makes sense. If he's atheist, this video is Divine Irony.

I should rename this entry Big Religious Concept Explained in Simple Science.

"Alone but lonely"

Realising that I've been hanging around girls all my life and needed some good male company, I worked on my friendship with Kenneth.

Kim said "Wah you 2 very gum now ah?"

I noticed a hint of jealousy in her voice. But of who?

I told Kenneth that Kim noticed we were closer.

"I wish you were a girl," he replied.

Quote of the week. Month. Year.

And in the words of others,

I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad.

-Gary Jules, Mad World

Am I just some chick you placed beside you

to take somebody's place?

-Avril Lavinge, Losing Grip

Punggol for Dummies

For most of you who do not know, Punggol is located between Seng Kang New Town and the southern peninsula of the black lands of Mordor.

My cousin from Australia was standing at the LRT station and he thought he saw a cow.

We're not that backward okay... It's not a cow, it's a water tank in the middle of Punggol field. People in a civilized province like Punggol have access to drinking water. Who wouldn't know that!

Anyway if you look to the background you can see another barrage being built in Punggol. See, we're not lagging behind the rest of technologically advanced Singapore.

In other news, residents of Punggol celebrated the opening of the estate's first 7-11 store. The grand opening of the popular chain of convenience store's flagship in the estate was attended by over half of the province's population. The festivities were reminiscent of the opening of the province's first fast food outlet, Kentucky Fried Chicken, back in November last year. Many residents have been living in the area since 2001, thus the opening of such joints in recent years has been greeted with great jubilation and sighs of relief.

Technically, the 7-11 store is not in the residential area but located several kilometers from the nearest housing block. It made more economic sense to build it in a rural place for lower rent. After all, it being the only big convenience store in the area, it could choose where it wanted to be, and people would have no choice but to come to it for supplies. We sent our on the scene reporter to check out the biggest convenience store to be built in Punggol.

Signboards were put up very kindly leading travelers out of the residential area right to the store, which was located in a much more rural area.

After passing 3 signboards like the ones above and a very big banner closer to the store, our reporter finally arrived at the 7-11, and the carpark to the Marina Country Club where it was located was packed full of Punggol vehicles. Before this, the carpark had been consistently empty and was more a place for couples looking for a secluded place.

"7-11 has really brought in business to this area," said Mr Chan, the carpark warden. "We used to have free parking and no one would come, but now with the store we can charge people per hour for use of our carpark."

A comparison to other estates show that no other 7-11 has close to as many signboards pointing to it.

Skeptics (most of whom from SengKang New Town) have said that the 7-11 located off Punggol is still smaller than the one in SengKang. But to the local optimistic population, a little is better than nothing and they are still are feeling the euphoria of finally being seen as worthy of a 7-11 in their neighbourhood.

Punggol still does not have a McDonalds, even after letters to the editor, the management of McDonalds, and the province Member of Parliament. KFC still remains the only fast food joint in the area.

I've Made a Mess of Me

I just recovered from a week of having severe throat infection and inflammation.

I was on some medication and drank water like a fish.

But...

All the while, each time mom checked me, she said my throat was not red or inflamed. I had no temperature either. I wasn't coughing. In other words, though I felt sick, I did not have any real symptoms of sickness.

It's the exam week. I did not show any signs of anxiety though I was greatly stressed. Maybe this was my id's (my unconscious') way of releasing its tension.

I am my own affliction
I am my own disease
There ain´t no drug that they could sell
No, there ain´t no drug to make me well

Yesterday night though, my temperature surged, my face was flushed, my eyes were bloodshot, my heart pounded, my breathing became more vigorous and my head was throbbing. Rashes started to form and my previous insect bites started to act up again.

I think I'm allergic to alcohol.

There ain´t no drug
There ain´t no drug
It´s not enough
The sickness is myself

Stop and Stare

If you can't stop to listen don't start to talk.

-Justin Hui, 20 Nov 09

Did anyone bother to notice the stars today? Did anyone realise how big the moon was tonight? Did anyone of you even look up and see that there wasn't a cloud in the sky this evening?

I just headed to the rooftop garden connected to my block of flats. I saw the huge smiling moon. I counted at least 54 stars. I got down on one knee, and I praised the Lord.

I was in full view of the 4 apartment blocks around the garden. I didn't feel self conscious even though 104 households were surrounding me.

Because no one even bothered to look out of their window to notice that someone was on the roof.

Broken People, Broken Arms

After living for over a month in the Caste system, Mom has been emancipated.

She's overthrown the shackles that have held her and is now free.

But she's an outcaste now. Untouchable too.

Yes yes I know, I've studied a little too much for my South Asian module on the Dalits. But try to stop me from raising awareness about their plight!

Mom is out of her cast but her arm is still very weak and painful to the touch. Thus I found it interesting to call it that. Hope this is not insensitive. Not meant to be.

So here's a picture of her cast when it was still on. Artwork my yours truly.

If you're wondering, it's a labyrinth. I learnt it from the illusive and mysterious Dr S. Basically, unlike a maze, if you follow the path of the labyrinth you would pass through every single path in the entire labyrinth before coming back to where you started. This modified labyrinth went round the whole arm. The original looked like the human brain.

What's even more cool- archeological findings from ancient civilizations from separate parts of the world have uncovered the same design- long before the time when these civilizations were even in contact. Freaky. How could they all know the same symbol.

Some say it was aliens who visited the different civilizations. Others say because the starting point of drawing the labyrinth is the cross and the 4 corners of the universe, that it was a universal symbol. Or maybe all civilizations did come from one place to start with.

Nice.

Psychology Finals

There before me the paper lay

Judging me in its cruel way

Asking what I had to say

On this cruel judgement day

I felt like walking out 20 minutes before the end of the psychology paper. 2 out of 5 structured questions I could not do. When all else fails, fail everyone else - my act of walking out of the examination hall would break the psychological focus of my competitors. But I was still struggling with the paper and could not finish the paper in time to walk out.

Staying might not have been so bad. I changed many of my MCQ answers during the spare time. Hehe.

When the paper was done, I felt like standing on my chair and telling my paper not to judge me any more. But people taking psychology would label me abnormal, people taking sociology would label me deviant, and people with philosophy would sigh. So I didn't do it. Sigh.

Coming out, I saw mixed reactions. Everyone could not do 1 or 2 of the structured questions, but their responses seemed to depend on whether they took the stats module. Smiling friends went, "that was so much better than stats!" while frowning ones thought it as their worst paper.

Yeah yeah I couldn't do 40% of the structured questions, but compared to stats, I'm quite sure I'll pass.

So I'm happy. Lalala.

Sleeping Around

So the Doulos is going to be scrapped.

There goes another bed I've slept in. There goes another ceiling I've slept under.

In my life, I've slept in many places.

I've slept in my bed, I've slept in my parents bed.

I've slept on my sister's bed, I've slept on the living room floor.

I've slept on reclaimed land, I've slept on a park bench.

I've slept under the moon and the bamboo on a mountain peak.

I've slept in the deserts of Australia and the dormitories in Myanmar.

I've sleep on safari beds in Assam and beds in a safari in Africa.

I've slept in my nephew's bed in Portsmouth.

I've slept on a bed in Eusoff Hall and the floor of Temasek Hall.

I've slept on a sofa at Exxon Mobil and on the bed of a half blood princess.

I've slept in a bunk in Tekong and 3 bunks in the west.

I've slept in 3 bunks in the east.

I've slept on a bed in Hong Kong and I've slept on a mattress in Singapore.

I've slept in a sleeping bag in 2 secondary schools.

I've slept on the floor of NUS and I've slept on the roads in Taiwan.

I've slept on my grandmother's bed and my cousin's tiled floor.

I've slept on the Doulos Ship,

The 747 returning to Singapore,

The Swiss double decker train,

And the Indian train with 3 bed levels.

But what's important is that I wake up.

Every morning I awake and look around at the surroundings, familiar or not. It takes a while for me to figure out where I am, and remember who I am. When I finally do, sometimes it makes me sigh. Then I pray for help to carry on. But some days I am happy when I remember who I am.

Every day, it's a miracle to me how I got here and how I remember how I got here. As long as I can remember who I am, there is hope in my today.

Yay.

By the way please don't suggest any ideas like making the ship into a church/monument/restaurant unless you have a few million dollars to spare.

I already tried.

One Month On

It's been a month since I began this new lifestyle.

Some things have come to light that I am really quite embarrassed about.

The first of which was that when I threw off my old self, the masks and pretense and nicknames and what not, I realised that the real Justin behind everything was nothing.

No I'm not trying to be humble, I really felt lost. Yes the old has gone, but it felt as if the new had not come. Thus the identity crisis. Without the old identity I didn't know who I was.

But what was really going on, was that when the covers fell away, the Justin that was exposed was a frail, weak, undernourished and underdeveloped being. He lived through other names and characters but was never himself. As Artaud put it, "He wasn't entirely himself".

So the new self has come in the form of a blank slate, when you compare the two it seems like something was taken away because the new has nothing on it. But I guess that's the point of it.

Okay... the second thing. I hate to say this, but because of the nature of the characters I played, I was always seen as someone more mature. True I acted mature and as a good example, but... I missed a stage of development. Thus Justin was looking good on the outside, but was underdeveloped on the inside.

I am a 21 year old undergoing adolescence.

There, I said what I was trying to hide the whole of this blog's life. Desiree put it in simple words. "Adolescence is a natural stage of development where identity is the main issue of struggle. But this usually happens before a person is 21. At a later age they seek out more intimate relationships. You seem to have done this backwards."

It's true. I got a girlfriend, skipped lectures, stayed out late, used bad language and listen intently to Avril Lavinge's "Let Go" album, all for the first time in the span of the later half of this year. These were the things most people did in their teenage years. Yes... I had pushed back development in order to help others develop. And when everyone had moved on... I hadn't. No wonder I felt a lack of friends after JC. I felt no one at my level... And I had thought I was at a more advanced stage of development.

These are the feelings that have been in my heart, these are the thoughts that are in my mind. In the words of Avril when she was going through this phase in life:

It's always been up to you,
It's turning around it's up to me,
I'm gonna do what I have to do.
Just don't.

Give me a little time,
Leave me alone a little while,
Maybe it's not too late,
not today...

I don't know how I'll feel,
tomorrow, tomorrow
I don't know what to say,
tomorrow

Tomorrow is a different day.

And what she sang is what I'm saying to you. I need some time alone, I need some silence. I'm going to hostel, God willing, and I'm going to be a recluse. Prince George's Park Residences is as isolated and secluded as you could get and I knew once I saw it that this is where I need to be. This is going to be a few months of silence, of soul searching and meditation. When I say I want to live like a monk I meant it.

God has always been faithful. Now has come a time for me to go into the forest alone, and be with my maker, letting him write on my new blank slate whatever he want to.

I'm not running away. I need to go. I've been here too long. Goodbye.

I've Applied to Hostel

There are times in life when we will learn.

There are times in life when we will preach.

I've preached for most of my life.

But I'm out of date and out of things to say.

I need some time to be alone, do some self reflection.

I need to develop my faith into something that can thrive today the way it did yesterday.

I really hope I get the room in hostel.

Then I'll disappear for a while and live like a reclusive monk for a time.

And when I return I will have something better to say.

One Cor Six Twelve

If swearing always lets me evangelize the way it did today, I'd swear a whole lot more.

Today, I chose being real over being right.

I have changed.

12.10am

Came home and drew my curtains.

There were post-its on my wall forming 3 characters.

I Y U

Seriously lah, with a sister like this, who needs a wife?

Premonition

Yesterday I was wondering for the first time, will I have reservist this coming June holidays?

I have plans drawn up but I had not taken into consideration the possibility of a call-up.

I even checked the NS Portal last night, but forgot my password.

Then my bunkmate in army smsed me.

"Eh you got your letter yet?"

What the Fish?!?

Mom started singing a Barney song this morning, but I think she got the words mixed up with the lyrics from "If I were a Butterfly".

"When I grow up

I wanna be a fish,

But I wonder if I'll know how..."

Walking with Marianne to lunch not long after that. She said she was hungry, I asked if she was pregnant. She said pregnant with what? I said an octopus maybe. Then her reply:

"If I'm pregnant I'd rather be pregnant with a crab so when it comes out I can eat it."

I'm disturbed a great deal by the women in the house.

Talk and Listen

I was talking to Eva in her Z4 today.

For those of you who don't know what that is, imagine a car taken from the movie "Transformers", installed with an engine from "The Fast and The Furious", and piloted by a girl right out of the Japanese mecha anime "Neon Genesis Evangelion".

Naturally, being seated next to a being of such high intelligence and technological wizardry, my conversations took to much more intellectual topics.

Justin: I feel hungry.

Pause

Justin: And I think I know why.

Pause

Justin: I ate vegetarian food for lunch.

Eva: But isn't vegetarian food supposed to fill you up?

Justin: Well it did for a while, but I got hungry soon after.

Eva: But it's 9pm now- If you haven't had your dinner, of course you're hungry.

Oh yeah. Didn't realise that.

When Justin starts to work, he forgets most everything else.

Then the radio came on: "And the next song is dedicated from Sarah to Justin..."

I jumped up because the DJ actually mentioned what sounded like the Justin's surname... but I didn't catch it. Blame it on the loud engine of the convertible BMW coupe I was in with the sunroof off. Made me miss the message after that too.

=)

Identity Crisis

Alright God hit me. Boo hoo hoo.

Videos have come to surface today of who I used to be. Just the mention of it was enough to freeze my blood.

I hated who I used to be. I'm talking about the pre-blogger me, way before my old self. I hated it so much I wanted to commit suicide. That was in primary school.

In secondary school, I changed. I swung my personality to the opposite side of the spectrum, becoming very passive and docile. I avoided leadership, I avoided responsibility, I avoided. I just lived in my own little world.

That old self has been put to death.

I'll be honest. I'm lost.

Everything inside me looks like everything I hate.

I feel like running away, but I'm not one to run away. Neither am I one to fight. I'm turning up for battle without a weapon hoping things will somehow work out.

Go away. Go away. Leave me alone.

No, that's what the old me would want.

Why am I talking to myself.

Fuck.

God, please help.

Friend, don't leave me alone.

But I will hurt you and hate you.

I spent all my life trying to be someone else.

In trying to be myself, I realise the awkward truth.

After all that crap,

I am nothing.

Questioning the Body

I know there has been much talk about the size of a man's penis.

But that might not be the most important question for us to be asking.

At BodyWorlds, I found out that the vagina's normal length is from 8 - 11cm, and at most an additional 5cm during arousal.

Which basically means that the average vagina can barely take the size of the average penis.

So the next question we might want to be asking now is:

How long is your vagina?

2 Ways

I just realised that living like you were dying could go 2 ways.

You could go burning out bright, or you could go down with a vengeance.

21 Days Later...

3 weeks after changing my life, I feel empty.

I feel like I'm trying to be someone I'm not.

I feel like what my old friend described as...

Turning away from who I used to be,

But not turning to God.

I've poured myself out.

But I have not gotten refilled.

What am I waiting for?

Sigh.

Alright God... hit me.

Bye bye everything.

Last Night

Sitting in the bus.

I realised a man was staring at me.

So I stared back.

He backed down.

Justin 1, Man 0

FTW.

Grrr...

I hate people saying that's just the way things are. I hate it especially when it is regarding matters pertaining to themselves. Fears, hesitations, obstacles, barriers. It's just me, I'm like that, I can't do anything about it.

Crap.

That means I hate myself.

I can't change my background colour to a more reddish shade. It's so pink.

Woman Warrior

I was blown away by Peter Bright's book in the light of all the feminist notions I've been hearing in school. In his fantasy novel he basically subverts the usual patriarchy.

The prince was taken captive by the dragon. The king was deeply troubled by the loss of his only son and heir to the throne. He sends a message throughout the land that whoever can kill the dragon and save the prince will be greatly rewarded.

A woman comes forth, amidst the many men, and appears before the king. Some of the greatest quotes since LOTR appear in this chapter. The king asks:

"How can a man ever win a fight against a dragon?"

"I'm a woman. And I don't fight conventionally."

And indeed Rhonda doesn't. She uses a longbow and well, to cut the long story short, kills the dragon and rescues the prince.

The king wants to reward her with the hand of his son in marriage.

She declines, not liking the distressed and helpless prince as a spouse.

But this story is completely fiction.

Justin, Stop Talking To Yourself!

Yesterday I felt I was freaking a girl in school out.

Okay that sounds bad. I probably perceive it worst than it is...

"Justin... I can help you... You know I've always been good in these situations..." It was my old self speaking, enticing me to go back to him.

No. I will resist. I'd rather freak a girl out by being myself than attract a girl by being something I'm not.

Right?

o.O

We were at Psychology Tutorial today. Mental Disorders was the topic.

What abnormal behaviors do you have? We discussed in groups and shared with the class.

One girl must arrange her colour markers in rainbow order.

Another has to wash her hands the moment she touches her shoes.

It came to my turn. I said I talk to myself.

"I already mentioned that," my tutor with hair as black as Professor Snape's said.

No, it's different. I talk to all 3 of me.

Now the whole class suddenly turned towards me.

I quickly explained.

When I'm happy I'd just converse with myself, like in the mirror- how are you Justin, oh I'm feeling great. Or I would psychoanalyse myself- So Justin, why did you do that? I don't know... Normal stuff like most people do.

But when I am stressed I start having other voices shouting with angst...

Now the whole class was staring at me.

Erm... Please stop staring guys. You're making us feel uncomfortable.

o.0.O

The guy next to me opened up too. I was diagnosed with schizophrenia when I was in JC and very stressed. I would hear an angel me and a devil me. The devil would ask me to give up and just go and jump.

So when did you first get help?

When I dashed out of my house to jump off and my dad grabbed hold of me. My mom panicked and they brought me to hospital.

Wow.

I'm surprised he could share it actually. I thanked him for doing that.

Want to conclude with something intelligent but I don't have anything.

Slippery Slope

It poured in Punggol.

I left the house and the moment I opened my umbrella...

The rain stopped.

I arrived in NUS in scorching heat.

Then suddenly...

I was getting wet, but I was so in awe of the water features I just started snapping away with my camera phone.

Quite pleased at how my E71 shots came out this good!

Feels so unreal! By this time people walking past were staring at me kneeling by the drain taking pictures. But I didn't care. I'm terminal so I'll do whatever I want if it doesn't hurt people.

Running Water

Pouring Rain

Peace and Violence

Intertwined

To be honest. I felt weird too.

I felt the awe and splendor of nature's force just staring at a drain.

But I felt the judging eyes of people seeing me as abnormal.

Welcoming Tour

Hello!

My name is Justin and welcome to my blog. It's new and it's pink and it deserves some form of introduction so I will now show you around on a special guided tour of my blog!

To the top right you will find a very quotable quote. I might change it in time to come, but I probably won't because it fits the theme of my blog rather well.

Just below that are my blog Comments! In here you'll find familiar names like Desiree, Kimberly, Marianne and Yinhong (in alphabetical order, not order of importance). Don't let these names scare you from commenting though! I've changed the method of commenting on this blog so comments are tied specifically to posts instead of having a central tag-board, so more of you can comment without feeling daunted by the idea of changing the topic on a tag-board.

Special mention of my blog's biggest fan and my most loyal friend Tobias! Who else would walk 2km while having a stomach flu just to deliver a birthday present to my home, arriving pale and in cold sweat? Without this guy my blog is mostly a monologue. Round of applause please!

Okay I only have 6 links because I don't want to overwhelm you (and I don't read many blogs).

The Dead is my previous blog of my previous self who did not live like he was dying, so his blog (and him) were put to death.

The Living are my church youth group.

The Poet is my favorite blogger of all time. A close friend too.

The BFFFLF stands for the Best Freaking Friend For Like... Forever! I've known this guy for 15 years already, and he's my best friend. Like duh.

The Art is something I'm still working on. It's basically my artwork gallery.

So there you have it, the new blog. It's sleek, it's stylish, and it won't give you a headache (I've not included any music in the background that screws up your brain trying to decipher my writings). Do come by regularly and comment freely. I blog quite often now and nothing encourages me to blog more than seeing several comments for me to publish.

Love you all!

Justin Hui

To be or not to be?

Consulted our Theatre Studies instructor today- we told her how difficult it was for the 6 of us to get enough stage time for the final test.

We were given 20 minutes, and the play only had 4 major roles.

"Why don't one of you get examined as a Director instead of an actor?" She asked.

I know I'm a good actor. I know it's a safe option to do acting for me. No way would I take on the directing role just for the sake of the group.

But.

If there's a skill I should learn... This is it. Not because I'm good at it so it's a safe option, not because I'm bad at it so it's sacrifice for the group. I feel I might have some potential here that needs developing.

But what if I'm wrong there?

How badly do I want to live like I'm dying?

Well...

It looks like I am willing to risk the grade to try something new.

The Lady in the Train

Sat next to me.

Breathed heavily.

Listening to headphones, watching a video on her phone.

I felt like telling her she was breathing as loudly as people snore.

In a nice way.

Phone rang.

She answered in a strange voice.

"Daddy made me very angry. I don't want to go home."

She sounded angry.

She sounded like she was talking to her child.

She got off at my stop, the last stop.

I remained seated for a while after she left.

Late Night Run

6 dogs in front.

1 stick in hand.

How badly did I want to complete my run?

How much did I want to live like I was dying?

'(-..-)'

After 4 rounds of Punggol and 20.33km covered, I returned home to find a worried mom dressed to leave the house in search of me.

2.30am.

Sheesh. I run slow.

Sorry mom.

Lotus and the Cross

Finally, it's over.

I was the last presenter of the last tutorial.

Strange thing though.

I wrote so much in the handouts I expected the class to bury their eyeballs in the texts, which means I could bury my face behind my paper too.

But when I started reading from my handout, they looked up at me.

Er... God, why are they looking up?

I stopped reading from the text. I looked up at then too.

And so I stopped reading and started presenting.

Thus for a few good minutes I spoke about the Dalits. When I saw the student's shocked expressions upon hearing the atrocious discrimination Dalits face, I knew why God put me where I stood, and why he had gotten me their attention.

So I spoke passionately, passing on the fire Joseph D'souza had for the oppressed.

When I finished, the class smiled. Someone said I sounded more like I was promoting than presenting. I smiled.

Now they all think I'm Buddhist.

0-_-o

At last week's lecture on South Asian religion, I really thought I'd make a great Buddhist, even a monk. Buddha's "Middle Way" ideology I completely subscribe to. It's basically the logic of neither craving nor aversion. What the Bible would speak of as living a simple life.

See... too much craving is not good, and neither is too much abstinence.

I basically derive big joys from small things. For example, I love:

-Riding in fast cars

-Talking to pretty intelligent girls (pretty refers to the intelligence)

-Cookies in milk

(In no particular order.)

So I take them when I get them and I enjoy them while I can.

But if I don't get them I'm fine.

Anything is permissible, but I will not be mastered by anything.

I agree with the Buddhist way of life.

Just that I can only attain such peace through Christ.

WTF

I'm clocking 12.30am and I'm stuck at stats.

Freak lah, my sister comes in and she has more idea of what's going on than my year 3 seniors. But she uses the graphic calculator that I have no idea how to use.

Sure we can get an answer, but I need to show working.

Worse, I need to type it all out.

How in the world do I type multiple big-ass fractions?

To think I wanted to clear the easier assignment first.

I still have a presentation tomorrow that I have not started working on.

Oh crap. My tutor could not open my file. She asked me to resend it.

2 days ago.

FTW.

20 Second Play

Act 1 Scene 1, Justin on the Train

Justin: Mom, can I stay in hall?

Mom: Don't ask me over the phone.

Act 1 Scene 2, Justin and Mom at home

Justin: Mom, can I have a kitten?

Mom: No. You could have tried asking for a tiger first, and then reducing your demands to a cat, then maybe to a fighting fish and I might have said yes.

Justin: But I started by asking to stay in hall mom... then I reduced my demands.

Mom: Your father does not like cats.

Act 1 Scene 3, Dad Returns Home

Justin: Dad, can I get a tiger?

Dad: Yes.

Justin: How about a cat?

Dad: Get in line. I wanted a dog, but mom won't let me.

The Search is Over

For the duration of this year I've been searching for a song that sums the year up.

I've had a Song Of The Year since 2005. Let's do a countdown.

In 05, it was Consuming Fire. For that year I had Rachel B watching out for me, teaching me about love, worship leading, and having a passion for God.

"There must be more than this..."

In 06, it was How Great is Our God. It was for most of the christians in Singapore anyway. It was a year of celebration, of fun and of finding rest in the joy of the Lord.

"Sing with me- how great, how great is our God!"

In 07, I had just returned from India and went straight for a Cliff Richard concert. Without any introduction, he began singing the hymn-like Faithful One. For one who just survived a tough month alone abroad and had just experienced God's faithfulness in a very new way, the song was like an epilogue that brought me to tears.

"And when the day is done,

And when the race is won,

I will bow down before God's only son"

08 wasn't that good a year. I was in the army, I was isolated from my friends, and I was failing in everything I did. Jon Foreman's The Cure For Pain didn't remove the pain, but resounded with everything I felt, which made me feel a little less alone.

"Oh my Lord, to suffer like you do,

It would be a lie to run away."

Ten months into 09, I was still without a song. Then today I got an email from Zhi Han with a song attached. Every single line in the song resounded.

I had bought a book for a friend and ended up reading it in the silence of the Lim Chu Kang cemetery. The book was written after and about this song, and expanded on every single line in it.

I was so moved by the book. It was everything I wanted to be. And now, to hear the song that inspired the book, to feel the weight of each line, to be brought back to the moment I changed, was just too much.

The search is over. I had known the song before I had heard it. I chose the song the first time I heard it.

No surprises here.

The song of 09 is Live Like You Were Dyin' by Tim McGraw.

To think I was just starting to lose sight of why I was fighting so hard to change.

Thanks for reminding me Zhi Han.

Wah I'm Stressed

Theatre Studies rocks, but it's soooo much work! And goodness for my South Asian Studies essay... I now realise that 1500 words is significantly longer than my usual 500.

It basically means the 200 word proposal is more like a normal essay.

Okay.

Um... Presenting a new feature of my blog...

***QUOTE OF THE WEEK!***

This week's quote was by Clarisse. I asked her if, for our theatre studies final exam, she could play the role of a mother furious with her son's girlfriend for getting pregnant. Clarisse replied:

"I'll go learn from my mom how to be angry. I'll tell her I'm pregnant."

We wish her all the best and will keep her in our prayers.

Deviant

Dress? Check.

Lipstick? Check.

Long hair? Check.

Pantyhose? Check.

Padded bra? Check.

Shaved legs? Check.

Plucked armpits? Check.

Make-up powder? Check.

Threaded eyebrows? Check.



Sorry I didn't take a picture of myself today.

I probably looked like a very radical Christian.

Personality Disorders

Today during the psychology lecture on personality, I sat next to a girl who was pretty and (during the course of the lecture) said she's probably neurotic.

That is a deadly combination for a girl anywhere near me to have.

Then as if to add icing to the cake, she said she thinks she's weird.

Everything in me kicked into auto-pilot mode and I struggled to over-write it and restrain myself from doing anything.

She did not know what was going through my mind. She did not know who I used to be. She did not know who she was talking to.

"You don't understand," I said, "I'm attracted to weird personalities."

"So are you attracted to me?" She asked straight out.

I sighed.

"Yes. But not in the way you... um..." I fumbled through.

"See I have a personality disorder too," I finally continued,

"have you heard of the saviour complex?"

Discrimination

You've heard of sexism. You've heard about racism. You may even have heard of ageism.

But I was discriminated against twice in the past 2 days in a way I didn't know existed, especially in Singapore.

Languagism.

I went to a food centers and looked at the signboard in front of the stall I wanted to order from. I then read out the name of what I wanted in English, exactly as it was displayed.

The stall owner looked at me, contorted his face, and in the most snobbish of tones said, "Har???"

He made me feel like I've said the most confounding thing he's ever heard in his life. Mind you, I was reading off the signboard he made.

The same thing happened the next day.

If this had happened a month ago I would think I had a problem.

Now I think they have a problem.

Cards on the Table

Okay, here we go.

My name is Justin Hui.

I started this blog because I needed a fresh start.



I took the step off the ledge that I had been standing on for most of my life last Sunday.

It's been a week, and I still can't tell if I'm flying or falling.



I started this blog because I need to change and my old blog reminds me too much of my old self.

I started this blog because it hurts to change and I need an outlet to whine.



I tried talking to my friends today about trying to change.

I guess they don't see much of a difference yet.

Only one in school and one at church noticed my eyebrows were threaded.

And the one in school was a guy.



How do I answer them when they ask why I need to change?

My friend actually thought I was really an angel because she could not imagine how a human could be so nice.

How do I tell her I cannot stand myself?

How do I explain the problems with the saviour complex?

How do I explain why I want to be more... subversive?



When people ask me, "What do you mean by being real?"

I don't have an answer.



I don't know alright...

This blog is just a blog.

It's an honest reflection of my life.

Dear God,

I'm sorry.

For this whole week I've been so excited about blogging to no one that I completely forgot to talk to you. I feel the excitement of experiencing something outside, preparing a short write up about it and finally posting it up on this blog. But at the end of the day... what really is the point of this blog if it's distracting me from what's important?

God... it's been a week. One week ago I left my old self behind. It was time for change and I really have begun to change. But it's getting so hard Lord... It is.

I'm sorry God, I wanted so much to give up and just go back to being who I was last week. But I feel different this week. I wake up in the morning and I don't feel a sense of purposelessness in getting up. I'm stepping out of my comfort zone and helping so many people in tiny ways that I never would have before. It's amazing. Thanks for finally pushing me to change.

Lord I need help. I need to remember that any chance of succeeding in this change in me could only be because of you. Lord help me to be able to talk to my parents, and help them to understand what we're trying to do. Help my friends to not be so politically correct in telling me I'm a good person and that I don't need to change.

Dear Lord, I want to live like I was dying. Teach me to do things I have never done before, and bring me to places that I have never been before. Please keep me safe and keep me holy, and provide the friends and family to support and keep me in check.

I want to live for you. In every place I go, with every person I meet.

I love you Lord. Help me to.

Love,
Justin Hui

Week 1

At the end of my first week trying to be me, trying to be real, trying to be the man I was made to be, I get nothing but criticism. FTW.

Dilemma

I crept into the house last night at 1.31am.

I've never gotten so high from dancing before.

Mom wants me to stop. She's concerned that I'm changing.

How do I tell her, that I'm trying to.

Breakup

I really felt the pinch today.

I started off great after the split, but the ideals and joys of being free eventually faded. And where I once had someone to turn to when I felt lonely, I now found myself alone.

Today I felt so much like going back to him. I cannot, I must not. I know why we split and that it was necessary- he was pulling me away from where I wanted to go in life. But... we've known each other for 6 years, shared some amazing memories, and I'm what I am today because of him.

Sure there were cracks between us for the whole of this year, and it would have been nearly impossible to carry on, especially when I got attached to Sarah. I was sure when I made the decision to split with him. I felt it was right and I still do.

But I feel cold today. And it's not from the temperature which happens to be scorching.

I miss him- my old self.

And part of me died when I let him go.

It began as a concept, but it took on a life of it's own. I've not been called Justin for a long time, because I've been hiding behind many other names, his for most of the time. I talk about my old self as if he was a person because it feels that way- it is that hard for me to break away from who I used to be.

He is dead. I left him behind. I can never go back. I must never go back.

The Book of G

When I was in the army I began to write a book. It was unlike any book I had ever read; It was unlike anything I have ever written.

I wrote about visions that were in my conscious mind. I did not understand the scenes myself, but I described them as much as I could. Vivid, emotionally laden images, but they held no logical sense when I transcribed them. The book title itself was randomly assigned, for lack of a better one.

So I wrote down my visions a year or two ago.


This is when things get freaky.

This year, when I stood beside Sarah during worship at the Missions Festival, I had an epiphony about Chapter I and II of the Book of G. I started scribbling down what I realized on whatever paper I could find as people continued singing.

When we broke up I realized another one of the Chapters described exactly what I was going through, though I had written it over a year before.

Today during Theatre Studies we were introduced to a form of theatre staging that has no plot or message. The actors don't even speak in a comprehendible language. The whole purpose is to create a scene that captures an emotion the way nothing else can.

Jerzy Grotowski was the man who came up with it. And thus I found out what the G in my book's title was for.

I'm still freaking out.

There's only one Chapter left that has not come to revelation. And it is a disturbing one.

Intro...

I don't recognize myself in the mirror. This is not an identity crisis. I sure hope it's not. I know who I am, but... I don't recognize who I am. I'm not familiar with who I've become. I'm glad at what I've become, but I don't know myself any more.


And at the computer terminal in school. I was staring at my name that I had just typed. I don't recognize it. I've never been... Justin before. Never embraced it.






My name is Justin Hui.


I feel naked telling you that.

Welcome, Welcome.

Hey welcome to my blog. Here's something to note.

I have not told any of my friends about this blog. I don't want them to know about it, because I would like to post things that are very personal in nature, and I don't want to be questioned about it by people who have background knowledge. They know too much.

I need to vent my angst and that's exactly what I'll be doing here. I want to talk about what I'm feeling, not why I'm feeling it. If you want to fix me, go away.

If you don't know me, welcome to my blog. If you find what I say entertaining, feel free to read on, and if you want to please comment.

If you know me, go ahead and read. I won't hold it against you. But if you must comment, try not to identify yourself. I don't mind clarifying something I said (though that would make it lose its lustre) but I don't want to explain why I said something (especially to people who know too much).

So that's that. I'll introduce myself later.