Videos have come to surface today of who I used to be. Just the mention of it was enough to freeze my blood.
I hated who I used to be. I'm talking about the pre-blogger me, way before my old self. I hated it so much I wanted to commit suicide. That was in primary school.
In secondary school, I changed. I swung my personality to the opposite side of the spectrum, becoming very passive and docile. I avoided leadership, I avoided responsibility, I avoided. I just lived in my own little world.
That old self has been put to death.
I'll be honest. I'm lost.
Everything inside me looks like everything I hate.
I feel like running away, but I'm not one to run away. Neither am I one to fight. I'm turning up for battle without a weapon hoping things will somehow work out.
Go away. Go away. Leave me alone.
No, that's what the old me would want.
Why am I talking to myself.
Fuck.
God, please help.
Friend, don't leave me alone.
But I will hurt you and hate you.
I spent all my life trying to be someone else.
In trying to be myself, I realise the awkward truth.
After all that crap,
I am nothing.
You're not nothing. You're Justin Hui Wenjie.
ReplyDeleteWhat that identity means is a journey only you can undertake yourself. I won't leave you alone, I'll endure the pain and hatred, but that's all I can do, to accompany you on your journey. Your nature and your self, only you will recognize it.
To me, you're Justin Hui Wenjie, and there is only one Justin Hui Wenjie that I know in the whole world. Stop asking yourself who you are, or stop telling yourself to stop being somebody you're not. Just do what you think you should do, act as you think you should, regardless of whether that's the "real" you or not.
I mean, who's to judge who is the real you, and who is not the real you? If you can't find an alternative to your identity crisis, just do whatever you want to do, and stop thinking so much. Justin is Justin, whether you act like an angel or a jerk, a leader or a follower. We will all remain your friends.
And you're not lost. You just haven't found your way yet. In fact, you're standing still on the road, unsure where to go. That's not lost. That's just goaless. You're just torn between two roads, and you're just relunctant to enter the path that is labeled "not the real me". But who named the path that? You? How reliable are you in recognizing what's the real you and what's not?
Take the road in front of you and move along it. Don't worry whether it's the right road or not. Don't worry whether it's the real you. Just take it and move along. If you want to change, there will always be a fork for you to take.
And I know God will answer your prayers. God bless, I know He will help you somehow.
So for now, stop worrying and start doing. Just be natural and feel comfortable about your decisions, regardless of right and wrong.
Just in case my first comment wasn't clear enough. I realize, once again, that it is imperative to always plan an essay before I write it, which I didn't, so I apologize for my lack of clarity earlier.
ReplyDeleteI guess what I meant to say that you are Justin. You are uniquely Justin. Justin is Justin, and nobody else. And basically, that means you're not anybody else. What being Justin entails, though, is something you have to find out on your own.
But how does one find out who he really is? Don't delibrately analyze your personality and decide that they aren't your true selves. Stop thinking so much. Just act naturally. Do whatever you want to do. It's that simple.
And if the problem is you don't know what's natural or you don't know what to do, then stop thinking and let your body do it. Instnct is related to gut feeling, which is in turn related to your heart. And your heart will never lie to yourself.
And God will guide you regardlessly, and stop you from straying, so you also should stop worrying about that too.
I hope this comment is clearer than the last one. Sorry for spamming. TT__TT
Thanks Chun Wai. I'm in the midst of making some big decisions. Should I stay in hall, should I join fencing, should I continue with salsa, should I return to N.E.India... I want to do all of these, but I also need to prioritise time and finances for them. So yeah in my current state it's a struggle to make such big decisions.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your reply man... It was just what I needed. I really like that line.
"And you're not lost. You just haven't found your way yet."
understood every single word you said. coz i've felt it too. love u, anyhow!=)
ReplyDelete(btw been meaning to tell you that i hope you're really really not offended by what i said at jeevan's party. it's just that everyone's teasing was getting a bit too much for me.)
Yes, you should stay in hall, join fencing, continue with salsa, return to Northeast India. If you don't have the time and money, then drop accordingly. But if you really have the passion for them (like mine for my manga class), you'll definitely find the time and money to do it, no matter what.
ReplyDeleteAnd if all else fails, flip a coin. Leave it to God. Otherwise, if your passion burns brightly enough, you'll already have your answer.
Kim, thanks. In both instances.
ReplyDeleteAnd yeah it sucked to hear, but I needed to hear it. Glad you could tell it to me lah. Coz I was doing it to someone else too but she was too shy to tell me off.
Chun Wai... When did you suddenly become so wise? Your replies are mature beyond what i would expect of anyone our age.
ReplyDeleteWhen you're going through difficulties and pain, those who love you go through the pain with you because they love you for who you are, and who you are to them. You mean much more than you realise and you've made a huge difference in people's lives.
ReplyDeleteI may not have been through an identity crisis before, but I have been through a very difficult and painful situation trying to change too, so I understand to a certain extent the frustration and disappointment you feel.
But no matter what, make sure you never give up trusting God and having faith in Him, because if you do you'll really regret it later.
Jesus loves you and died for you, even if you don't know your worth or who you are.
Your identity is in Christ, who was nailed to the cross because He loves you.
I love you too!
I have threaded the thin line between life and death (remember the times I got suicidal - that usually set me into philosophy mode and thinking about life). I used to be aimless too, until I decided on manga as my goal. So I guess I've been through all that.
ReplyDeleteAnd as for not showing up at Jeevan's party, he asked me when I was suicidal (coincidentally it was the day I posted the Goodbye post on my blog that sent Shuiqi and Desiree panicking and calling everyone to make sure I didn't do anything stupid), and so I told him: "Don't bother sending me the invitation. I will no longer be around then." I don't know whether he got the hidden meaning behind it (as in no longer be on earth = death) because he never got back to me and so...I pulled a no-show. HA HA HA HA! Thinking back then, I did something really stupid, but I learn from my mistakes and life goes on.
Who came for the party, anyway? Did anyone other than you guys show up? I'm sure he invited Nallu, his Temasek Secondary friends (one of them whom I must avoid at all costs) and Mano (if I spelled his name correctly). I hope you guys had fun, and I guess I saved some money. Ha ha!
It's okay to be lost and not know who you are. We're all like that until we sort of find our identities. We will never really be who we are because we are constantly changing. Our circumstances shape who we are by our response to our circumstances. We all are something. What we don't know is what that character or personality is. Life is this journey of discovering who we are (and a whole bunch of other things, among chocolate and candles). Don't try to BE something, because otherwise, your whole life, you are going to be that personality of "trying to be something". You can dictate that you will "try to be something" but you can never be satisfied because you will never attain that "something". I don't know if I make sense here, but it makes sense in my head. Justin, don't give up on discovering who you are. You're halfway there. Your friends can tell you that we know certain characteristics of you already. Like, you care about people, you are somewhat analytical (I say you are somewhat only because you analyse but no structure), and you are very hairy. Don't let yourself get down, otherwise you're letting the grumpy-monster get on you. Shake it off! Shake it off! But like Chun Wai said, don't over analyse. Just be yourself, and over time the obvious characteristics will emerge and be obvious to you too. It's really okay to be lost. We're all lost too.
ReplyDeleteNo, I already said this. We are not lost. We just haven't found our way. We're standing at crossroads, not knowing which road we should take. That's not lost. Being lost means that you do not know where you are. In Justin's situation, it isn't that he doesn't know where he is, but rather, he is indecisive of what path to take, as he is not confident whether it is the correct, or true, path.
ReplyDeletethere is always hope.
ReplyDelete