"The plague of the 21st century
is absolute meaninglessness."
In church today, two young guys were telling me how they found life meaningless.
I found it sad. But... I found it true. I felt so.
This week has been the second week I nearly missed my sabbath because I was doing assignments 7 days a week. But I forced myself to stop for sanity sake. I needed time off, time alone.
I didn't even feel like having dinner with my family today even though Marianne had just gotten back. I just wanted to be alone. But they gave me time, and time enough.
I travelled down to city hall alone, and after dropping off Marianne's film for developing, took a long walk down to Bras Basar and Bugis.
Meaningless, meaningless, everything is meaningless.
I plugged in my mp3 player and walked past hundreds of people who did not give me a second look. Not that I was looking at them anyway. I walked on, slowly.
The sky was overcast. So overcast it had a tinge of yellow in it, as though the clouds were fighting to obscure the sun. Lightning, and strong thunder.
I walk alone because I need to be.
Life feels meaningless, most of the time.
Here in Singapore we have everything, but seem to lack the one thing that gives our lives purpose.
I stopped to look at the trees by the busy road, and feel the cold wind brush past my face, and let my senses tingle and remind me that I'm alive.
Switchfoot's "You" played on my mp3. I prayed so hard my mp3 would not die. Its battery was almost dead, but I was depending on it for my life.
"It's not me, it's you."
I was so lost I needed to be reminded that I'm alive. Being alone in a crowd and crying out to the Lord in desperation helped remind me of who He was.
The wrath of nature kicked in. I felt moved. I knew I was still alive. I knew I was living for something more than these for walls.
I want to be free.
I am free, but I often forget it.
I get lost in the comic book superheroes and haunting music and hilarious YouTubes and school assignments and cookies that I think make me happy that I forget they don't last and the more I try to run to them the more they run from me.
I need to stop and feel something real.
Life has meaning when I worship God.
That's about it.
Do understand. I depend on him so desperately because if I don't, I can't live on in this meaningless world.
I recently started taking Sundays off as well. It's really, really hard! Especially when you have so much work to do by a certain date. But I've been trying to keep to it as much as possible. I know that I need it; last sem I became so panicked and anxious that I didn't even have the energy to go boom, I just sizzled into nothingness. Shuqin said that I've become calmer since, so I suppose it helps.
ReplyDeleteHang in there Justin! You can do it :) Remember to have plenty of rest in God, yeah? Your big fluffy Stitch is waiting for its rightful owner to reclaim it. :D
It's good, and God's pleased, even though we don't feel the benefits immediately. I find it helps to go out and do really random stuff that you would like to do but never have time to.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad i took a sabbath though that leaves me with one day to do 2000 words, it's not abut the time i have, but how I'm able to use it. And being rested is the greatest way to start an essay. Goodness... if I had skipped my sabbath to do work this would be my 3rd straight week. I'll me much worst than now!