Gender studies one again.
Getting confused once again.
I found one of my seniors studying in the library.
Actually no, Amy found me.
And she gave me some help with the issues I was dealing with.
Dinner at the deck with another senior I found.
Actually no, Yaoqi found me.
And he gave me some help with the issues I was dealing with.
You remember a time last year (oh my goodness I posted it today last year!) when I was in year one and taking gender studies for the first time and getting mind-freaked? I thought I had figured out my gender back then, but on hindsight I was confused still, just unaware.
Before I continue let me just make a distinction between sex and gender. In academic circles, "sex" is what you are born with- your biology. My sex is male. As for "gender", gender is how we behave, masculine and feminine, and this is where I was confusing myself.
Now I did not fit into stereotyped categories of masculinity the way most guys did. I did hama beads and origami, avoided team sports, and never put up much of a fight, at least physically. So what was I?
At that time I thought I was inclined more towards the female gender.
Okay before you get too excited, let me add another dimension to the confusion and hopefully qualify myself. Other than sex and gender, there is also another category called sexuality. This is your sexual inclination. So my sexuality is heterosexual because my sex is male and I like the opposite sex- females. In simpler language, I'm not gay (that would be referred to as homosexual).
That is not the issue here, but I'm saying it explicitly just in case I'm misquoted somehow and shit hits the fan.
So what is the issue? Like Melanie says, "You're such a girlfriend!" And I think she's right. Most of my friends are girls, and I am more attune to girl issies than most guys seem to be. So what... Is my gender feminine? For a while I thought so... (which, come to think of it, complicates the issue of sexuality- if I am an effeminate male, then what does it mean to be heterosexual? Dating a butch? More on this another time maybe) But today I figured myself out.
Or at least I tried to.
I have a rather freudian inclination when it comes to analysing people because it works in figuring myself out. And since Freud traces everything back to childhood, I began to think back to the time I was in primary school, and then it all made sense.
You see back then, as always, I really liked girls.
But I wasn't your usual guy who could run faster or be stronger. Come on man, Jon Ma was my classmate since Primary 1 and was already way ahead of me at sports. This made it difficult to impress girls.
Goodness this reminds me of what Mike Myers said in one of his comedies when he was asked why he wants to learn the ways of love, "So girls will like me, then I will like myself."
Back to my point, thus for the very impressionable young boy I was, I headed in the opposite direction to try to win girl's attention. If I can't be someone they are impressed by, I'll be someone they can relate to. So instead of being masculine, I became more effeminate. Well, back in secondary school, the gay identifying boys did have the prettiest girl friends. I found middle ground there.
And it worked. Too well perhaps.
I made a whole lot of girl friends in secondary school and JC and Uni. In fact, all my close friends for most of my life were girls, other than Jon Ma of course.
All's well for a long time. I got what I wanted. Kinda.
No. Not really.
They see me as a girlfriend.
Not as boyfriend material.
So this leaves me in a peculiar position. This might well be the brink of another identity crisis.
I have everything, but nothing.
So... is it time to grow up and change my ways?
I don't even know what that means by the way, but should I head down this path?
I quote what mommy said because she knows everything.
"Are you willing to give up all the other girls for one?"
I never thought of it that way.
Oh dear...
All my girl friends. Putting all my eggs in one basket.
It's a matter of time, but should the transition begin now?
Getting confused once again.
I found one of my seniors studying in the library.
Actually no, Amy found me.
And she gave me some help with the issues I was dealing with.
Dinner at the deck with another senior I found.
Actually no, Yaoqi found me.
And he gave me some help with the issues I was dealing with.
You remember a time last year (oh my goodness I posted it today last year!) when I was in year one and taking gender studies for the first time and getting mind-freaked? I thought I had figured out my gender back then, but on hindsight I was confused still, just unaware.
Before I continue let me just make a distinction between sex and gender. In academic circles, "sex" is what you are born with- your biology. My sex is male. As for "gender", gender is how we behave, masculine and feminine, and this is where I was confusing myself.
Now I did not fit into stereotyped categories of masculinity the way most guys did. I did hama beads and origami, avoided team sports, and never put up much of a fight, at least physically. So what was I?
At that time I thought I was inclined more towards the female gender.
Okay before you get too excited, let me add another dimension to the confusion and hopefully qualify myself. Other than sex and gender, there is also another category called sexuality. This is your sexual inclination. So my sexuality is heterosexual because my sex is male and I like the opposite sex- females. In simpler language, I'm not gay (that would be referred to as homosexual).
That is not the issue here, but I'm saying it explicitly just in case I'm misquoted somehow and shit hits the fan.
So what is the issue? Like Melanie says, "You're such a girlfriend!" And I think she's right. Most of my friends are girls, and I am more attune to girl issies than most guys seem to be. So what... Is my gender feminine? For a while I thought so... (which, come to think of it, complicates the issue of sexuality- if I am an effeminate male, then what does it mean to be heterosexual? Dating a butch? More on this another time maybe) But today I figured myself out.
Or at least I tried to.
I have a rather freudian inclination when it comes to analysing people because it works in figuring myself out. And since Freud traces everything back to childhood, I began to think back to the time I was in primary school, and then it all made sense.
You see back then, as always, I really liked girls.
But I wasn't your usual guy who could run faster or be stronger. Come on man, Jon Ma was my classmate since Primary 1 and was already way ahead of me at sports. This made it difficult to impress girls.
Goodness this reminds me of what Mike Myers said in one of his comedies when he was asked why he wants to learn the ways of love, "So girls will like me, then I will like myself."
Back to my point, thus for the very impressionable young boy I was, I headed in the opposite direction to try to win girl's attention. If I can't be someone they are impressed by, I'll be someone they can relate to. So instead of being masculine, I became more effeminate. Well, back in secondary school, the gay identifying boys did have the prettiest girl friends. I found middle ground there.
And it worked. Too well perhaps.
I made a whole lot of girl friends in secondary school and JC and Uni. In fact, all my close friends for most of my life were girls, other than Jon Ma of course.
All's well for a long time. I got what I wanted. Kinda.
No. Not really.
They see me as a girlfriend.
Not as boyfriend material.
So this leaves me in a peculiar position. This might well be the brink of another identity crisis.
I have everything, but nothing.
So... is it time to grow up and change my ways?
I don't even know what that means by the way, but should I head down this path?
I quote what mommy said because she knows everything.
"Are you willing to give up all the other girls for one?"
I never thought of it that way.
Oh dear...
All my girl friends. Putting all my eggs in one basket.
It's a matter of time, but should the transition begin now?
So are you transgendered?
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